Cyclobeater

I have gnarly tan lines. If I were a farmer they would kick ass. But I am not, so they don’t. I guess I really only have two choices: I could become a farmer or try to make some of my other bits tan as well so I don’t have lines. While collecting government subsidies and complaining about everything sounds intriguing to me I don’t think that I am cut out for farming. I am pretty sure there is manual labor involved. That part doesn’t sound so good. So really my only choice is to make some of my other bits tan.

I decided to start with my arms. I have been rolling up the sleeves on my jersey for a week or so to give the sun access to some previously virgin flesh. I am not sure how it is working really. Actually, I am pretty sure it isn’t working. Instead of having two colors of flesh, now I have three. I am like the French Tricolor of human flesh. Instead of red white and blue though, my arms are brown – my shoulders are creamy – and my chest is pasty.

It isn’t easy being multicolored like me. My physique doesn’t make it any easier. In the past six months I have been called disgustingly boney and been favorably compared to a holocaust victim. I thought that I just had a fast upper body. If only I could get the lower half as fast I would be golden.

Desperate times call for desperate measures so I cut the sleeves off one of my cycling jerseys yesterday. That’s right, a cycling wife beater. A cyclobeater if you will. So I made my own cyclobeater. When I tried it on though, there were still little sleeve like protrusions where the real sleeves used to be – like mabe ¼ sleeves of 1/8 sleeves. Like one of those shirts you wore when you were a break dancer in the 80’s – you know what I talking about.

While I’m on the subject of break dancing in the 80’s can we please turn the page on Michael Jackson. Did everyone forget that the dude was an alleged pedophile (like OJ is an alleged murderer)? Enough about the mystery surrounding his death too. It was drugs, drugs I tell ya – haven’t you ever seen Behind the Music? Ugh.

Enough of that. So yeah, I had to make my cyclobeater a little beaty-er today. Thats beatier in French, for those who are French this month.

My new cyclobeater. Wednesdays Tool.