The Week in Crappy Pictures

I have seen that some legitimate journalistic endeavors have a week in pictures segment. Well, since I don't really have much to say, but do have some crappy pictures from my crappy phone I present to you 'The Week in Crappy Pictures'.

And by week I mean the past month or so.

I ride past the garden city post office every time I ride my bike to work. I have been seeing this for a while...



Every time I see it I think to myself that yes, if I wanted to rent a box garden city is where I would start looking. And yes, I know I didn't capitalize garden city - they don't deserve it.

I did notice that some people in garden city have a lot of balls though...



Have you ever heard the Jeff Foxworthy bit where he says you might be a redneck if your home is mobile but your car is not. Well garden city is the only place I can think of where most of the homes they sell are mobile, and most the cars they sell are not. Seriously, drive down Chinden sometime.

Anyway, most of my days have looked like this lately...



Yup, new snow in the mountains and dreary in the valley.

This is some dude playing hooky from work. Bastard.



A friend told me about a precariously perched column on the broadway bridge the other day. I checked it out while I was rocking through.



So someone put a chain around it so when whatever is holding it up gives the column doesn't fall straight down and hurt, well, the dirt. Yeah, instead the chain will catch it and swing it over the gb where inevitably it will come loose from the chain and take out a pesky cyclist or pedestrian. Triumphant.

I'm no engineer, but I think it may be bad when you can see the re-bar in your bridge supports. I think someone is carving out a living space. Literally.



Umm, go fast anywhere near the main street bridge. Come to think of it, go fast around them all.

Speaking of looking for living space, the angry duck is back.



Little pecker. Didn't get enough last year.

And um, I saw the wiener mobile parked in a random parking lot the other day.



That's not me standing by it - you know, in case you were wondering. Dangerously close to me, but not me.

Right. Peace out.

Biscuits and Gravy

If I am riding along and give you the bike rider wave, and then you pretend that you are riding so hard that you didn’t notice or couldn’t possibly reciprocate I am just going to assume that you are an arrogant bitch/bastard.

If you ride by and stare at me and my bike like I have two heads and my bike has 4 wheels, and I wave, and you fail to reciprocate I am just going to assume you are a full on wanker. Maybe even an asshat. And then after you are past I will give myself and the bike a once over to make sure everything is kosher.

I just wanted to get that straight.

You know what always surprises me about riding my bike? All the things I smell. Like on my way to work I can smell breakfasts in the houses I ride past. If I stop at a light I can smell peoples perfume or cologne from outside their car. I can smell a smoker when they drive past. Seriously, I might not detect them all – but definitely some of them. If I can smell you from outside your car (especially at 20 mph) I am guessing you stink.

And sometimes I swear that I am the only one in this town that doesn’t drive a F-350 deisel. You know, to power through the asphalt of the commute. I think I inhale about $4.00 worth of diesel fumes on each commute. Thanks for that. I might as well smoke.

When I ride past Centennial or Capital High I can smell the despair. It used to be the students, but now it is the teachers.

When I hop on the gb in Garden City in the morning I can smell Pastry Perfection. That sucks.

When I ride past the horse stalls by the fairgrounds I can smell the dankness that remains from the horses that used to live there. Soon I am sure I will be able to smell the poo from the bums that are hiding out there now. I can’t smell them there yet but definitely can smell them by the Shilo Inn.

The bum smell is worse than the wastewater treatment smell (also on the commute) and is a bit depressing, but I get over it quickly because soon after the Shilo I can smell biscuits and gravy at The Pantry.

Actually that isn’t true – I can’t smell The Pantry, but I do think about biscuits and gravy when I see it. Mmm, biscuits and gravy.

I love biscuits and gravy.

Speaking of biscuits and gravy, after that sometimes I can smell the Arid Club – no I don’t think the Arid Club ever serves biscuits and gravy, definitely not pretentious enough grindage for that joint – but I needed a segue.

The Arid Club smells crappy compared the to The Cottonwood Grill which always smells tasty, but I gotta say that The RAM in the afternoon smells better.

Sometimes there is some goodness to be smelled from the concessions at baseball games at Centennial on the way home, and if I time it right the fresh bread at the Albertsons smells good for a half mile. If I am really lucky my house smells good when I get home.

Glorious Skills

So there I was rocking down the gb and I see this guy riding a big blue cruiser bike. I use the term riding loosely, and, for that matter I use the term rocking loosely too. You see I was running – and by running I mean trundling which is my angry equivalent of running. Technically I don’t think I have been able to achieve an actual run yet, but I am way past waddling.

By the way, running? It still sucks, and it is still a survival skill – not a sport. For me anyway.

Right, so anyway, dude on the cruiser wasn’t really riding the bike. I’m actually not sure what he was doing. He had his feet on the pedals and the cranks in the horizontal position. He was standing up, and wait for it, wait for it – going no hands. In fact, not only was he going no hands he was doing some kind of yoga dance shit with his arms.

In the short time that our paths crossed he slowly put one arm out to the side and looked along it. Then he put it down and slowly put the other arm out to other side and looked along it. It was all kind of zen-ish, and I have to say – freaking glorious. It makes me all calm just thinking about it.

Yeah, those are the kinds of skills that make chicks want him and make dudes want to be like him.

I am totally going to try that the next time I am on my bike.

Umm,no I’m not.

I do want to see someone do it on rollers though.

Miscellaneous Baggery

So the local bike racing season started a week or so ago without me. I haven’t been able to get my collective crap together well enough to act like a bike racer yet this year. I’ve had a number of lame excuses, and some not so lame, but ultimately it doesn’t matter and I have been left observing the first few races from afar.

No, I didn’t go watch. For me watching bike races that I could be in is kinda like watching your kid get circumcised. Yeah, I stand there with my knees locked together holding my junk in my hands and my breath in my lungs. Right, so I have issues.

Well anyway, yeah, didn’t watch – I just looked at who signed up and checked the results afterwards.

One of the most interesting parts of spring racing is seeing what has changed from the prior year. There are all kinds of different guys in the first few races…

There is ‘oh thank god that guy cat’ed up guy’ – yup sometimes there is mercy in cycling and it comes when the guys that made your lungs and legs burn the previous year move to a new category. Of course there are all the other ‘oh thank god that guy cat’ed up guys’ that just moved up into your category to make your lungs bleed this year.

Then there is the ‘OMG that guy cat’ed up guy?’ – when someone cats up and it clearly will not end well. You know, unless they got a new doctor in the off-season.

And of course there is t‘sandbagger guy’ – you know, the guy that won three spring series races last year and looks o do the same thing in the same category this year. Yeah, mix in an upgrade bagger. Not that it particularly matters to me – I will finish 13th regardless who is racing – but If I were finishing like 2nd- 4th I might be hunting your pets. Just saying.

Of course there is also ‘OMG that guy cat’ed down guy’. Usually this is accompanied by an unfortunate turn in health or situation, either of which is sad to hear about. Sometimes however the move appears to be related to a shuffle in the racing groupings – which rings of miscellaneous baggery.

Oh yeah, and there is also the ‘that guy is racing for them now? guy’ when someone changes teams from the previous years. It is usually tied to one of the first two guys above, but can also sometimes be tied to miscellaneous baggery.

Anyway, it has been interesting to watch from the outside looking in this year. In the Jason Broome TT I was pleased to see that Kristo Jorgneson was ‘oh thank god that guy cat’ed up guy’ and has moved on to kicking other peoples asses. Actually I think I only raced against him once or twice last year, but I definitely remember him being ‘oh god that guy is on the front again guy’ during the Slammer last year.

And speaking of the Slammer, props to anyone who showed up to this years Slammer yesterday. I couldn’t even seem to get my bike out of the garage yesterday. It was a bit breezy. I am pretty sure if I were racing that the minute the race turned into the wind I would have flipped the u-turn and rocked that tailwind all the way home and come back for my car later. I have to admit that it cracks me up a little bit that we got an email earlier in the week pimping the forecasted good weather for the race. Yup, light wind, like I said I wasn’t there but I am guessing it was a light 40 mph, with an occasional kiss of 50 mph? Refreshing.

So I am planning on integrating into the racing seen sometime around the Chicken Dinner RR. Yeah, I think I am going to go for a solid DNF in that race and try to follow it up with another stellar 13th or so at Emmett-Roubaix. Of course I haven’t ruled out any miscellaneous baggery myself yet.

Above Grade Level Manipulation?

My 7 year old son has been trying to get me to buy him more Pokemon cards for the past week or so.

Today he came home and told me he wants a hamster.

I told him no.

He reiterated that he really wanted a hamster because they are cool.

I told him no.

He dejectedly told me that maybe he could just get some Pokemon cards instead.

I told him 'well played'.

He smiled.

Will I Always Be 10?

The cascading disasters in Japan are nothing short of a horrific tragedy.

I have to admit though, every time I see the word Fukushima the 10 year old boy english speaking boy in me giggles a bit - as in 'who is this shima guy and why do..." Um, never mind.

What? Like I am the only one.

Use the Force...

My wife's latest ebay purchase came in the mail yesterday...



Yeah, thats right. Over $8 in star wars stamps.

Well actually there are some boat stamps on there too.

I'm guessing if your ebay purchase comes postaged like this it's a not a good sign. You know, unless you ordered Star Wars underwear or something.

Bikes Are Smarter Than Trucks.

So normally when the time changes I just leave the clock in my car an hour off for several months. Not this year baby! Yeah at a stoplight I got an unforeseen surge in ambition and was able to correct the time before the light changed.

Yeah, I know. I rock.

But hey, how come my bike computer is smart enough to change the time for me - but my truck, which is like 10,000 times larger and 1,500 times more expensive is not? I'm just saying...

Oh, but daylight savings still sucks. I am leaving the lights on all day in protest. Those bastards.

That Was Close

Whew that was close! I didn't have anything to write about so I was going to write about the 'education reform' in Idaho.

Yeah, I was going to say how education reform was a thinly veiled opportunity for the legislature to go all BOHICA on the teachers union - the only organization in this backassward state with the strength to stand against the GOP for the last 20 years or so.

Then I was going to say that as disappointing as the performance by our legislators, governor, and education superintendent were - the performance by the teachers union was worse. I mean, this shouldn't have been a surprise - the only new idea presented this year was the trading teachers for laptops thing - and that was just a distraction. The other stuff has been lurking since Luna took office, what - 4 years ago?

And then I would spout for a while about while they should have been extolling the benefits of the teachers union and formulating their own plan to cut budgets the, teachers union goes all junior high girl and starts coordinating wardrobes, and having candlelight vigils. Seriously? Is that the best you could come up with? We know from past experience (term limits) that when the legislature has BOHICA on it's mind it doesn't matter if 95% of people are against it.

Right, then I would write a bit about how I am only an in-law of the teachers union and I am embarrassed. Yeah, someone was asleep at the wheel. Someone should be looking for ways to capitalize on this uproar and start shopping for new leadership too.

Damn, I was afraid I would have to go into all that until I saw this guy going Fabian Cancellara on the way home.



So I see this guy weaving through traffic behind me down Front St. I'm thinking the dude must be doped up like Contador to be passing all those cars on a mountain bike. I took the picture when he raced past me.

Bloody hell dude. If you are going to be boner and ride a motorized bike maybe you should rock it down the shoulder of the road. And if you must rock it in the middle of the road maybe you shouldn't weave between cars. In the rain. In low light. During rush hour. And if you must do all that the least you could do is wear a freak'n helmet so when you crash they don't have to spend as many of my tax dollars to put your uninsured ass back together.

Actually I don't know if he has insurance, but I am thinking there is probably an inverse relationship between motorized bicycle riding and insurance purchasing. I am just guessing.

I'm just guessing, but motorized bikes and 4 or 5 lane roads probably won't mix well for long. Maybe you should try the gb. Maybe we could race.

Anyhow, whew, glad I didn't have to write about that education thing.

Halfway There

The halfway point on my bike commute between home and work is on the Isle of Alternative Lifestyle in Garden City. Sometimes when I go past there - and by sometimes I mean every freaking time - I think to myself, ‘self, I’m halfway there’.

And then I think to myself - and by think to myself I mean singing out loud - ‘WHOA-O living on a prayer datta datta da da…’ I would sing more but I don’t know the words. Knowing the words of a Bon Jovi song is a violation of man law.

Freaking Bon Jovi.

I realize that singing Bon Jovi ballads while wearing spandex on the Isle of Alternative Lifestyle is probably a bad idea, but somehow I just can’t help it.

If you don’t believe me you could come down and loiter on Isle and wait for me to go past – but I think that might be a misdemeanor.

You should all try it. I mean singing out loud at the halfway point, not loitering on the Isle of Alternative Lifestyle. Unless, you know, that’s how you role.

Making Progress

I remembered this morning why I was going to buy fenders for my commuter bike. I don’t really know why I never did buy fenders, but I think it probably has something to do with me being a cheap bastard. And likely a vain bastard.

All wet diaper wearing aside though, it was a good commute. I only got buzzed by one school bus – Meridian #710 (yes, I was watching ass hole), and didn’t flip anyone off. Yeah, today was better than yesterday. See yesterday I found out that my favorite football player was going to be on dancing with the stars. Damn it! You better as hell win Hines Ward.

As bad as that is the day before was worse. Yeah, my son said that to be a man you have to be rocking a mustache. Someone pointed out that his dad didn’t have a mustache and his response was something like ‘oh, that’s too bad’.

Right, and the day before the day before was worse than that. Yup. My son reiterated that he wants to be a snowboarder next year. Ugh. All those years of calling snowboarders knuckle draggers and gays on trays is coming back to bite me in the ass.

Well at least things are headed the right direction.