Who Invited Coleslaw?

So at work today we had a morale building Oktoberfest at work. Except they took out all the morale building stuff, namely the beer and work inappropriate costumes. So in the end I am thinking morale isn’t any better. Maybe a little worse, because now everyone has gas from brauts, and sauerkraut. And oh yes, my favorite coleslaw.

Does anyone like coleslaw ? I mean really? Yeah I am sure that some people eat it, but does anyone really, you know, like it?

I was lying. Coleslaw is not my favorite. I pretty much hate it. I think it may be my dislike of mayonnaise. Which stems from my extreme dislike of vinegar. Which stems from my disdain of the smell of vinegar.

Have you ever gone to a restaurant and seen something that sounds good on the menu, but then you see it comes with coleslaw, and it ruins the entire meal. Its like when you go somewhere really cool, but there is that one guy there – the guy that no one invited, he just like followed you there – and the cool thing isn’t quite as cool as it could be because that guy is there? Yup its like that. That guy is coleslaw.

Who invited coleslaw?

Depressing

Something about New Hope being a Dead End just depresses me.

Like

You know on Facebook they have that little 'Like' link? Yeah, well, they need a 'Don't Like' link. Thats all I've got to say about that.

The Season For New Friends

So I made two friends today when I was out for my noon time ride. It doesn’t happen very often, and honestly I usually do my best to steer clear of it. I mean, not to be rude, but I sorta got a schedule you know?

I ran into these two on the greenbelt out by Lucky 13 – you know, the bumpy ass section. Anyway, yeah, run into them out by Lucky 13. My first instinct to extract myself from the situation immediately. But deep down I know that my chances of being happy at the end of the ride will be much greater if I finish it with these two.

I kind of thought they might get dropped in one of the rough sections, or around some of the corners, or surely on a hill. Nope. They were right on my tire all the way out to Lucky Peak, across the dam, to the boat ramp and all the way back to Municipal Park. At that point I thought it was my lucky day. It was looking pretty good that I was going to be happy at the end of my ride.

Then they broke off and disappeared. Ah hell, I just pedaled back to work and hoped for the best. Despite losing my 2 new friends and going back to work I still felt pretty good.

I didn’t get any pictures of my friends but I found this picture on the internet of some similarly endowed…

Speaking of friends. It came to my attention today that in order to be good at the Mafia Facebook game that more friends is better than less friends. I am going to have to get over my fear of making friends and start being nice to people. I just read The Godfather, so I think it might be kind of cool to be a Don.

So yeah, I need more friends so I can be better at killing people (in a game). I’m sure there is a message in that somewhere, but I don’t have time to explore it.

I wonder if Goatheads will be my Facebook friend? Probably not.

Don Elmer sounds kind of stupid anyway.

The Prodigal Son

The other day my 6 year old son decided that his homework wasn’t challenging enough – so he made up his own…

Yeah there is an error or two, but what do you expect from a six year old that has to make up the questions AND the answers.

He also got in trouble the other day at school for playing tackle football (I’m so proud).

Which behavior do you think he inherited from me?

No need to answer that.

Summer Insults 2009

I was riding my bike the other day and had a little run in with a motorist. It got me reflecting on some of the things I have been saying lately. I realized that I keep going back to the same insults, my top 3 insults of summer 2009. Here they are…

Wanker. Wanker is one of my favorites every year, not just 2009. I picked it up when I was in college and lived with a British guy. Yeah, he didn’t speak American –just English. Wanker was one of his favorite words. That ‘crazy bird’ and ‘bloody hell’.

I like that one too; bloody hell. He always said ‘bloody hell mate’. A lot of times he would mix em up like ‘bloody hell mate, what crazy bird’, or ‘bloody hell mate, that guys a bit of a wanker –isn’t he?’

I remember the first time I met him. He asked me if he could ‘bum a fag’. I was like, yeah, that’s your business man – leave me out of it.
Anyway, yeah, wanker. Definitely top 3.

Recently I have been calling people republicans a lot. You have to understand, I live in the most republican state on the planet – or at least it seems that way. Our state leaders set a great example.

The republican governor comes out and says he wants the first hunting tag for a species which at that time was on the endangered species list.

His opponent in the next primary election one ups him by saying he would buy an Obama tag and follows up by refusing to apologize.

The highlight or our last republican congressman’s short stint in D.C. was trying to repeal the law of gravity.

Then our most esteemed republican senator, well he went to the bathroom in Minnesota but didn’t go potty. He did something else. Then he admitted he did. Then he changed his mind and he didn't. Then he didn't run for re-election and gave up saying that he didn't (because he did). Yes, I am confused too.

Yeah, I don’t know what would give me the impression that republicans are otherwise intelligent people who are blinded by faith, ambition, and tradition. I don’t know why I call narrow minded statements and behavior ‘so very republican’.

I don’t know why, but it is in the top 3 this year.

My favorite new insult this year was ‘ass hat’. I don’t really know where I picked that one up, I think from one of my friends. Honestly, I didn’t know what it meant until I googled it. I know, what an ass hat I am, huh? I really just like the way it sounds. It just feels right to say it.

Go ahead. Try it. What an ass hat.

You know you liked it.

Snake River Handicap

As a bike racer if you lose your will to suffer, you pretty much got nothin.

Saturday I lost my will to suffer. I lost it somewhere between the steep hill and the field of goat-heads at the end of the first lap. The next couple laps I went as fast as I could without, you know, suffering.

Near the end of lap 3 I ran out of water so I stopped where I saw some friends out on the course. They offered me beer - or water.
Two roads diverge in a field of goat-heads.

Me? I chose the one less travelled.

I may not have won the race (or even finished), but I am pretty sure that I am the only one who stopped to drink beer with friends in the middle. Did you know dos equis helps make you the most interesting man in the world?



Stay thirsty my friends.

Have A Nice Day and Other Stuff

Feeling the caffeine uglies a while ago, I rolled down to the vending machine for a bit of liquid refreshment. When I get there this is what I find…

So they had a batch of ‘Have a Nice Day’, but as you can see the light is on indicating that they are fresh out. Son of a bitch! I could have really gone for some have a nice day. Some selfish bastard came along and bought it all up for himself I bet.

Here I am stuck with at stupid Pepsi.

Speaking of stupid, here is a blog I wrote last week while I was banned. I saved it, you know, in case I ever got unbanned. Well, the man still has me in banned purgatory – but I can post, so here you go. I can assure you that it was much funnier when I wrote it last week. Don’t blame me. Blame the man.

I was out riding my bike the other day. Doing some intervals. Intervals in September. Why the hell am I doing intervals in September. It led to me reflecting on my racing season. It went something like this…

Interval

Breathing hard – intervals in September suck. Suck like when that time trial I trained for all winter got cancelled.

Interval

Breathing hard, and heart beating fast – then there was the first race when my teammate stopped to pee.

Interval

Breathing hard, heart beating fast, and sweating – that rescheduled tt would have gone better if I hadn’t stopped training for it when the original date was cancelled.

Interval

Breathing hard, heart beating fast, sweating, getting phlegmy – then there was Chicken Dinner. I was good for Chicken Dinner – till I got that flat tire.

Interval

Breathing hard, heart beating fast, sweating, getting phlegmy, and legs burning – Emmett-Roubaix, that was pretty good. Fun at least.

Interval

Breathing hard, heart beating fast, sweating, getting phlegmy, legs burning, and going a bit cross eyed – Then there was the left turn series, God I need to learn how to turn left better.

Interval

Breathing hard, heart beating fast, sweating, getting phlegmy, legs burning, going a bit cross eyed, and lung butter forming – State championship RR I lost to everyone who sprinted, but beat everyone who didn’t! Gotta learn how to sprint.

Interval

Breathing hard, heart beating fast, sweating, getting phlegmy, legs burning, going a bit cross eyed, lung butter forming, and back hurting – you train for months only turning left, then in the state championship crit they throw in a right.

Interval

Breathing hard, heart beating fast, sweating, getting phlegmy, legs burning, going a bit cross eyed, lung butter forming, back hurting, and holding head at an odd angle – forgot the LP200, that time handicap thing sucked ass.

Interval

Breathing hard, heart beating fast, sweating, getting phlegmy, legs burning, going a bit cross eyed, lung butter forming, back hurting, holding head at an odd angle, and going bleary eyed – I would have been happy with that state time trial championship if so many guys hadn’t gone faster than me.

Then I did some more intervals. Yes, intervals in September. One race left for me, the Snake River Handicap. Then what?

Not real sure, but I know there won’t be intervals involved for a while.

My Cat Haiku

I do not like cats
My in-laws know I do not
They gave me this one…

Republican cat
I believe they are mocking
I do not like cats

Cartwright Fence Guy

If you ride a bike and live in Boise you have ridden Cartwright Rd. I should say if you RIDE a bike and live in Boise you have ridden Cartwright Rd. If you have ridden on Cartwright Rd you have seen the Cartwright Rd fence, and by association know about the Cartwright Rd fence guy.

In case you have no idea, that’s ok I guess. Heres the deal. At the top of a gnarly little hill out on Cartwright Rd there is a stretch of fence where someone (the Cartwright Fence Guy – CFG) sticks all these bits of stuff that he picks up off the side of the road.

He is the loggerhead shrike of the stuff picker uppers. There is usually a hat, some bike junk, or other paraphernalia neatly hung on the fence where it can be seen and collected. Right now there is a hat and a key in a key hider box thingy. They have been there for at least a month.

Anyhow, also hanging there for the last several months is this sign. As you can see the text is pretty small, so I normally just blow on past – figuring it is a rant about bikers and their trash. Well over the weekend I road past the damn thing several times and I couldn’t help but to stop.

Turns out I was right, it is a rant about bikers and their trash. But little did I know it was a well written and witty rant about bikers and their trash. I might also mention it is a spot on rant about biker trash…

Bicyclists – If you can pedal a full GU pack to the top of Cartwright, you can spend an extra nanocalorie coasting home with the empty. Visit the website listed on the bottom of the pack. Even GU wants you to be a responsible ‘green’ rider. You look great in Spandex on your ultra-light carbon fiber bikes, but your tossed Gu pack is, well, just trash.

Way to go CFG. Your next beer is on me (if you read my blog, which isn’t likely).

So yeah, take your crap with you loser. I know it makes a mess in your pocket, and sometimes on your digits. That’s why you wash the damn things stinky sticky guy.

Oh yeah, and when you get that flat tire – take the freaking tube with you. No wonder people think we are pretentious a-holes.

Banned!?!

So I get this email the other day. Says my blog has been flagged as a SpamBlog, and that if it isn’t a spam blog I need to request that it be reviewed. WTF? What’s a spamblog? Perhaps anticipating this question (or maybe just dumb luck) there is a link on ‘request review’ page for what is a spamblog.

I follow it.

Up comes a page of gobbledygook. Two things jump out. First this sentence…
“Blogs engaged in this behavior are called spam blogs, and can be recognized by their irrelevant, repetitive, or nonsensical text, along with a large number of links, usually all pointing to a single site.”

Hmm.

Irrelevant – yeah, well, mostly I guess.

Repetitive - Well, yes. It is part of my shtick. It’s a small world after all.

Nonsensical – Check.

Large number of links – Nope, not me. Definitely not me. Links require research. Research requires effort. Effort requires will. My will for blogging is mediocre at best. So yeah, I don’t have a large quantity of links to one location, but it doesn’t sound like a bad idea.
Anyhow, the second bit that jumps out at me…

“The Flag as Objectionable button in the Navbar lets you notify us of problem blogs that you find, so we can review them and take appropriate action.”

Aaahhh! Now I get it. Someone could flag me as objectionable and perhaps trigger a review. I don’t know how it could happen, but maybe I ticked someone off? Maybe it was the other day when I encouraged karma to bite someone’s left nut. Maybe it was the time I made fun of fixie hipsters – ok, one of the times I made fun of fixie hipsters. Maybe it was the other day when I was not so nice in regard to cats, people are defensive about cats. Maybe it was the cheese eating, wine swilling reference a month or so ago. Maybe it was violin kid. Damn you violin kid.

Huh, blog flagging guy? How very Republican of you blog flagging guy – find an opinion or idea that you disagree with so you try to suppress it. May karma hunt you down ant bite your left, and, right nut (or equivalent).

If I am mistaken blog flagging guy, I apologize. May your nuts stay intact (or equivalent). Blogger, you are bitches.

By the way, how sweet would it be to have a job where you got to read blogs all day and decide if they were offensive. Blog reviewer guy. I think I may want to try that when I grow up.

Greivous Wounds

So I went out for a ride today. When I took my bike off the hook in the garage I noticed a new scratch. And a new chip in the paint. Then another. And another. Oh the horror! My bike is all scratched up!

The pisser is I don't remember doing it. I am pretty sure that it happened last week at the BBHC last week - I leaned it against a brick wall when I went to take a leak. Someone must have bumped it and scratched the hell out of it in the process. WTF. Should have peed the chamoix.

No wonder I went so slow up bogus. The fresh injuries on my bike were draining my mojo, the sweet lifeblood of the soul. At least I have an excuse for my suckitude.

Whoever scratched up my ride - may karma sneak up and bite your left nut (or equivalent).

Cats and Dogs

I promised I would get back to this...

So cats don’t get lost (or found). If you think they do, your cat is smarter than you. Cats do whatever the hell they want. If it isn’t around anymore its because it didn’t want to be, and went somewhere else. Not lost, just gone. Similarly, you don’t find a cat. It finds you. It identifies something that you have that it wants and proceeds to take it. That’s just how they operate. Cats are arrogant, self serving, and definitely not lost. If it wants to come back it will.

Dogs on the other hand, dogs get lost. They get so excited they lose all track of what is going on and find themselves somewhere new with no idea how to get back. Most of the time they want to get back, and sometimes they have a ‘Homeward Bound’ moment and do get back. But mostly, I think they just get lost.

That’s it. That’s my theory on lost cats. I also have a theory that if your house cat could figure out how, it would kill you and eat you. Just a theory, take it for what its worth.

My New Phonera

So I finally got a new phone. Just a phone. And a camera. I don’t think you can get a phone without a camera. Besides, I use the camera more than the phone.

I decided against the smart phone/pda thingy. Less time on the internet and more time interacting with the people around me might make me a better me. I am thinking the internet has become more insidious than television. I wonder if there are bumper stickers that say ‘Kill Your Internet’?

Which is more ironic, me writing that the internet is insidious in my blog - or - me googling “Kill Your Internet” as soon as I get done with this. Maybe ironic is the wrong word.

So anyway, my technophile friends will make fun of me and say my phone sucks. That’s ok. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t care what other people think, I just get over it quickly. What I really needed was a good camera that also has a phone. They don’t make those. Pretty much any device that is a combination of things is mediocre at everything it does. I mean, look at the spork. Despite its popularity it is a crappy ass fork and a mediocre spoon at best.

Anyhow, the first thing that I did was take a picture with the camera…

I’ll tell you what I think about lost (or found) cats tomorrow.