It's a Trap

Now I’m no trapper survivalist guy, but I know a dead fall trap when I see one.



Actually, this is the first one I have ever seen. You know, other than the ones I tried to build when I was a kid to, um, ‘catch’ the neighborhood animals.

Don’t worry. I never really ‘caught’ any of them.

Yeah well, I am pretty sure they are using this one to get cyclists behind Ben’s Crow Inn. Ride fast and you should be ok. I suppose Parks and Recs would fix the dead fall trap, but they are too busy tearing up the gb in Boise.

I was rocking to work on the gb the other day and I see this little sign, it says ‘gb closed ahead’ – but it was all folded up on the side of the path so I thought surely it didn’t mean it. Then a little further there was another sign, it said ‘gb closed’ – but all the yellow tape and cones were in a pile over on the side so I thought surely that doesn’t mean closed for me. Then the path turned to dirt. It was kind of packed so I used my mad road bike on dirt skills to ride Roubaix section.

Well I rode the Roubaix section till I came around the corner and saw angry contractor guy with his heavy equipment. Me being the angry cyclist I was not intimidated by angry contractor guy, but I am intimidated by heavy equipment so I abandoned the gb and did the Tour de Parkinglots the rest of the way to work. The whole thing was a bit asshatish of me.

Anyhow, speaking of signs I saw this guy the other day…



Worst. Job. In. The. World.

Not only could you be replaced by a stick at any given time, you have to dress like banana.

But I guess times are bad so the banana should just be happy to have a job. I wasn’t aware just how bad it is until I saw a begger down town holding up an imaginary sign – yup, sitting on the corner holding up his hands as if there were a sign in it.

I would have taken a picture, but I was too busy dodging Jaialdi revelers. I think jaialdi may be Basque for ‘walk in traffic like an arrogant prick and just assume all the cars will stop for you’. That appeared to be what it meant to a lot of people downtown anyway.

Twilight Crit '10

The twilight crit was the other week. It’s definitely the biggest bike race in the area every year. I think it has something to do with the time of day, the location, and the proximity to beer. And then there is the likelihood of crashes. Everyone loves beer, and everyone but those involved love bike crashes – so it’s a perfect storm.

Twilight is and expensive crit. Not expensive in that it costs a lot to race in it. Expensive in that it costs a lot to crash in it.

See, I have this theory, ‘the theory of criterium expensiveness’. The theory is that it costs more when you crash while turning right than while turning left. See, when you are turning right and crash your bike falls on its bits – and bike bits are expensive to repair. Indeed, some bits can’t be repaired at all – you just have to hope for a transplant.

Transplanting bits can be a tricky and expensive proposition, and should be avoided at all costs.

It’s interesting that almost all of the criteriums in town leading up to the twilight crit are of the less expensive left turn variety. So many left turns in fact, that I refer to it as the ‘left turn series’. So you practice turning left all spring, then all of the sudden the biggest race of the year only has right turns. Ugh.

And then there is the fact that one of the right turns is sharper than 90 degrees. So yeah, not only do you suddenly have to learn to turn right, you have to learn to turn sharp right. Throw in the fact that there are a bunch of new fast guys from out of town that you haven’t raced against before and you have to learn how to turn sharp right quickly while surrounded by dudes you don’t really know.

Yup, all that makes for an excellent place for a beer garden.

Now I am a mediocre bike racer at best, and somewhat less than mediocre at criteriums – so for my and all the other racers well being I generally avoid the Twilight Crit. Riding in it anyway. I like to watch it – you know, to see if anyone I know crashes, err, I mean wins. Yeah, wins. That’s what I meant.

My favorite part of the Twilight Crit is the 4/5 race early in the evening. I like to watch all the first time racers there. I love to watch the looks on their faces as they realize that bike racing is harder than it looks, and it looks pretty hard.
Yeah, they figure that they have ridden the Bob LeBow charity ride a few times, and even won the Greenbelt Roubaix in their imaginations – so they are ready for the Twilight Crit.

The last time I rode the Twilight Crit a guy showed up wearing cut-off levi’s. I wish I had a picture, but I was too busy turning left (it used to be a left turn race). Anyhow, yeah, I spent my entire race just making sure that I didn’t get beat by the cut-offs guy.

Not that I have anything against first time racers, I am all for new guys (and gals) racing bikes – I just think that the Twilight Crit is an unfortunate choice for a first race. Especially when there is a race the very next day designed for first time racers. I guess it does make for a better beer garden though.

Well anyway, I don’t really know what happened or who won – I only watched the 4/5 crit and part of the masters b. I am thinking that there were a bunch of right turns, a handful of crashes, and some dudes from out of town won.

Oh yeah, and there were some beers consumed.

I Saw a Logo Similar to This Once

Now that's what I'm talk'n about...

They're Better on S'mores

If you took a marshmallow, you know, a normal size one – not one of those giant ones and not one of those little ones and definitely not one of those tiny ones that you get in cereal or hot cocoa; I love those ones. Especially the clover shaped ones.

Anyhow, so yeah, if you take a normal sized marshmallow and then you take a pretzel stick – a normal sized pretzel stick, not one of those rold gold pretzel twists; if you take one of those and shove it through the middle of the marshmallow – it was just like that.

So when you first hit it it’s a little mushy. Not a lot mushy just a little soft. But then the outer part of the mallow breaks and it gets a little bit greasy. Actually a lot greasy but only for a second. And somewhere in that second you feel the pretzel break – you know, feel it, not hear it. And then your back wheel there is a bit of displacement – not a lot, just a little because it is only a normal sized marshmallow not one of those big ones. Disturbing, but not scary.

So yeah, if you run over a marshmallow with a pretzel in it while riding your bike it would be almost exactly like running over a chipmunk. I know because I did it on Saturday. Ran over a chipmunk, not a marshmallow. I never thought of my bike as a weapon, but, well, there you go.

It’s not like I meant to. I was coming down Bogus going at about 35 and the little bastard runs across the road in front of me and then at the last second changes its mind and goes back – under my front wheel. That’s when the marshmallow analogy kicks in. It was just like that only a little less sweet. And with a tail.
He’s still up on the road around milepost 12ish I think right about tree line.
You don’t see that every day.

Speaking of things you don’t see every day – I saw this the other day.



Actually I guess you could see it every day if you hung out with 12 year olds, but you don’t see 30 year olds rocking bitch on the handlebars every day. The best part was that the chick was screaming “Run it, Run it” in regard to the red light that they were approaching.

They were also approaching the homeless shelter. Not surprising. The route to the homeless shelter is littered with unfortunate decisions – decisions like riding bitch on the handle bars.

Now you might think I am being mean. You are probably right, I am being mean. It’s payback for when I rode past said homeless shelter the other day and the clientele mocked me for my nice bike and cute bike outfit. Seriously. If you are rocking all your worldly belonging on your body and waiting in line for your next free meal you have no room to mock dudes.

I wanted to say “Hey guys, guess where I am going? Hooommmmeeee.” But I didn’t. I wrote this instead.

I should go back by today and tell them I know where there is a free chipmunk.

Life is Crap

My wife saw this shirt and it reminded her of me...



I'm not really sure why. I mean, it doesn't make you think of me does it?

So she bought it and gave it to me. Yeah, well, I know the picture sucks. I took it after I drank a bunch of day old coffee that made me a little jumpy.

That's ok though, because the less you see of my man boobs the better off we both are.

Speaking of things I don't understand, I don't know why Lego started making a Laura Silsby character.



But they did.

Actually not really. That's just who I thought of when I saw that picture.

Ok, that's about all I have time for today. I have some things to figure out.

Professional Angryness

I hit the velocache jackpot this morning, check it out...



That’s right, an angrycyclist coaster. Perfect for beers and other beverages too.

Oh yes, I know you covet it – and that’s ok.

Speaking of angry cyclists, you may have seen this the other day at the TDF…



After seeing that I have to question whether I am really angry at all. I mean, I have never even thought about taking off my front wheel and whacking someone with it! Damn, I wish I would have thought of that.

I have always been a Carlos Barredo fan, but now? Now he is up there with Ben Day in bad assedness.

Think about it, you are pissed off at the end of the stage and someone is going to pay – most normal people would walk away or just get up in the guys grill and spew expletives. But Carlos? Well he deliberately removes his front wheel and tries to wrap it around a guys head – that is just awesome. I gotta say though, hitting someone with a race wheel, the front one in particular, is probably roughly equivalent to hitting someone with a wiffle bat. You know, like ouch! What did you do that for? It probably doesn’t even weigh a pound.

Maybe the other dude didn’t speak the same language so he had to go to the front wheel to the head – the international language.

You have to love the TDF. If you get stung by a bee and your face puffs up like this…



You can’t take cortisone without getting kicked out. But apparently you can try to wrap your wheel around another racers dome after a stage and stay in.

I’m thinking that I should change my logo to something like this in honor of Carlos…



That’s right ya bastards, how would you like a Spinergy Rev-X to the head! Now that’s a wheel to attack with – it’s also easy to draw – but that’s just a coincidence.

Angry Camping

So my wife went out of town to a conference for the week. I decided that I would take advantage of the opportunity to take my son camping and do other man things. We loaded up the truck and drove to eastern Idaho.

Eastern Idaho is many things, and far away from Boise is one of them. Another of the things is smelly. Well, actually, most of eastern Idaho is not smelly, but Pocatello has pretty much enough stink for that whole side of the state. Kind of like Lewiston has enough for all of northern Idaho, and Nampa has enough for all of southwest Idaho. It's like that old saying, 'all it takes is one stinky apple'. Or something like that.

Anyway we drove past beautiful Dubois up to Spencer and camped near there. I know, its a long ways to drive just to camp, but I also wanted to look at moose which is another blog post entirely.

Yeah we rocked over there and did a little tent camping.

Because trailer camping is for wimps.

And people who don't want to tow a trailer across the state.

So we rocked over and set up the tent-ster. I will admit that we had to set up shop in the Forest Service campground. Normally I would avoid that, but it seems my son hasn't yet embraced his birthright of championship camp pooping and prefers to use a camp bathroom.

See, I don't want to sound vain or anything but one of the things I am best at is camp pooping - location selection, log identification, execution, cover up - the whole bit. Yeah, if there were a camp pooping Olympics I would be golden. Maybe multiple times golden. I don't like to brag, but I am good.

Anyhow, yeah, my son hasn't embraced his heritage yet so we stayed at a campground. The first night was ok. The second night we had an invasion of idiots.

I was instructing my son on the finer skills of s'mores making when a few other campers rolled in. One with a woosy pop-up trailer, and the other with a weak land yacht. While one was popping up the other was firing up the generator - you know, so he could catch Glee on t.v. and fire up the climate controls. Wankers.

I hated them both immediately. It's in my nature. In nature.

Nice. I just typed that out loud.

Pop up lady almost immediately lost it when she saw a mouse. A little brown one with black and white stripes and bushy tail. Yeah, I nodded, the whole place was pretty much infested.

A little later the pop ups made hot dogs. Their 2~ish year old son (quite possibly the loudest, most annoying kid ever) immediate started babbling about 'dogs!', and 'eating!'. Mother pop-up was pretty much incensed by the thought of eating dogs and went on ad nauseam to her little boy about how they weren't eating dogs.

I don't think he was listening. He seemed more interested in the little striped mice. You know, I thought it was entertaining though. Some people need to get over their hang ups.

I would eat dogs if the tasted good, but I really don't think they would. I mean, I have a dog that eats poop! I'm just saying.

The rest of the night was uneventful. Generator guy stopped generating and pop-up people turned in. Around 2 a.m. though I woke up to foot steps just outside my tent. I decided to make some noise hoping that whatever it was would go away - well, I did, and it did, right to the bathroom.

Pop up wanker walked right between my tent and pickup to go to the outhouse. Really? Seriously? I decided that's what I would say in my best tent voice when the dude came back by 'seriously?' It was either that or shoot him.

Unfortunately he didn't come back by - he took the trail on the way back. Asshat.

I thought of getting up and taking a leak by their trailer. Not to be a smart ass, mind you. Just to show them you don't have to walk all the way to the outhouse. Yeah, but I didn't want to start a pissing match. I was in a tent remember.

Oh God, I just typed that out loud too.

Instead I just got up early and made a lot of noise. It made their kid cry. Does that make me a bad person?

Nevermind.

The best part is my son slept through it all - generator, pop-up people, and me getting up early. Yup, doesn't like pooping by a log but sure does sleep like one.

Well, this is dragging so here are the rest of what I learned on the trip...

1. For such a big animal moose are incredibly hard to locate.
2. The Pontiac Grand Am is pretty much the official pace car for white trash. I used to think it was the Mustang, but I was wrong. This trip proved it.

Not that I am calling you white trash if you own a Grand Am. It's just that your vehicle selection indicates a possible predisposition to trashy-ness.

Ok. I'm stopping now. Bye.

The Fiddler

Oh joy! Just heard that they are releasing salmon into the Boise River again. Good times! You know how I love to share the gb with triple wide stroller lady and extendo leash dog guy, yeah, well 8 foot salmon rod carrying, baggy wet wader wearing, looking at the river and not where you’re going salmon fisher guy is the best.

You know, I understand the desire to catch a big fish and all, I have caught one or two before and have tried to catch more than that – it is kind of fun. Actually, not just kind of – it is fun. But salmon fishing, salmon fishing I just don’t get.

Well, I get the fishing part I guess, but that part where you stand shoulder to shoulder with other fishermen – that part I don’t get. And that part where you have to try for hours to catch a fish – yeah, I don’t get that either. Um hmm, pretty much anything that you measure success in hours per – I’m not interested. Fish per hour I can do. Hours per fish – not so much. I mean really, if I wanted to stand shoulder with a bunch of guys and wait for an hour and a half for someone to score I would go to a bar and watch world cup soccer.

At least there your hands are free to drink beers. Yeah, I am pretty sure world cup soccer is better than salmon fishing.

Besides, you know those fish that they dump in the Boise River? Well, they are hatchery rejects. They swam up to the hatchery trap and the hatchery didn’t want them. I have worked at fish hatcheries before. There are fish there with two heads. Its not uncommon, and hardly worth mentioning to hatchery people.

Yup, they are ok with two headed fish – but those ones they just dumped in the Boise River? Well, they didn’t want those. Ruminate on that one.

Yeah, if they had hatcheries for deer the deer they released in the Boise River would have five legs. All the better to swim with I guess.

If they had hatcheries for cyclists they ones the released into the Boise River would be this one.



So the picture sucks. It's not like I get paid for this or anything.

Yes, with aero bars mounted up high so he can use them while sitting up (I love that), and of course the violin case on his back, you know, in case he wants to stop and do some fiddling. Yeah, he's the fiddler.

Good fishing everybody. Happy 4th.