The Angry Cyclist Has Voted: Now Leave Me Alone

You know what really throws people off?

When you answer the door decked out in full spandex regalia. Yeah, that really throws people off. Especially when they are trying to sell you something or get you to vote for their candidate – because, you know, they can’t laugh at you. They have to be nice.

You know what makes people downright uncomfortable?

When you answer the door in full spandex regalia, then they ask you a question you just stare at them.

They just leave after that.

Really. I know because I did it on Saturday. I was on my way out for a little ride when some wanker knocked on the door. I could tell he wanted to laugh when he saw me rocking my cycling kit (like I just hang out in spandex all weekend). It kind of pissed me off because it was my house and if I want to be a spandex superstar full time in my house, well then, its none of his business.

He apparently liked to spend his free time going door to door pimping Steve Berch, so who is he to judge me if I like to spend my free time rocking spandex. Yeah, so when he asked me if he could count on me supporting Steve Berch in the election I just stared at him… Then he left.

That was weird.

I did vote for Steve Berch on my absentee ballot though. Mostly because he is less republican than the other guy – not because I made his campaign guy go away by looking at him.

Speaking of the absentee ballot, I made the mistake of the using the ballot request form that came in the mail attached to some republican propaganda. Apparently they rigged that form to alert every republican candidate in the state that I had an absentee ballot. I promptly got phone calls and propaganda asking me to vote for Tom Luna on my absentee ballot.

Well that was a dirty trick. Kind of like when Microsoft tries to fool you into changing your default search engine to bing by using some ambiguous language in a pop-up box. I bet how to change your default search engine to google is one of the top things binged.

Right. Anyway, I got seven different pieces of political propaganda in the mail Saturday. I also received a baggy of propaganda on my door knob. I received the aforementioned personal visit. Not to mention the three phone calls, two from a machine and one from a real person.



I am pretty sure that next election I will vote for any candidate that signs an oath not to send me propaganda, place propaganda on my door knob, sends a lackey to talk to me, sends a lackey to call me, or pays a computer to leave me a phone message.

Oh yeah, and I will vote for anyone who promises to make phonebook guy stop putting phonebooks on my doorstep. Especially the phonebooks with bsu theme covers.

Damn.

So I have been rocking past this message for like 35 years now.



For the first time the other day I realized that I don’t have a forest, much less forests.

It kind of pissed me off you know. I don’t have a forest and besides, who the hell is this dam guy to tell me what to do with them if I did. I mean really. I am guessing that the forests upstream were greener before they were inundated with water. I don’t know, maybe I am wrong.

I am a little surprised that it took so long for me to become cynical enough to realize that I don’t have any forests. I mean, in the past I probably just thought they were referring to the national forests which are supposed to be everyone’s forests. Yeah, now I know they definitely not my forests – they belong to loggers, ranchers, and miners and are managed by judges.

Anyhow, right, I don’t have any forests. I don’t have any dams either. If I did have a dam I wouldn’t use it to tell people how to manage their forests. I might use it to tell people how I manage my dam, something like this…



Or maybe I would do something like this…



Or if it was near Boise, maybe this…



Damn. If only I had a dam.

They're Back

I wasn’t sure that it is fall before, but I am now. That’s right, the annual migration of the plywood coyotes from their high country summer range to traditional winter range has begun.



I spotted these bad boys back out a Sandy Point today. I am sure they will be there mocking errant fowl and haunting cyclocross racers the rest of the fall and winter.

I also spotted these recently at a local yuppy suburbanite subdivision.



Leave it to yuppy suburbanites to add a new dimension to the plywood coyote paradigm. (Look, I used the word paradigm!) Yeah, that’s right, Californian Coyotes. Three-dimensional and undoubtedly made of something other than plywood. I am afraid these ones will be short lived though. They look entirely too shootable, not to mention theftable.

They will learn after they have lived here a while – maybe even before they buy their first bronco car flag and window sticker.

They should sell that stuff in packages. Bronco stuff, not coyotes. You could get a car flag, a window sticker, bsu alumni license plate holders (degree included), and maybe a bsu stadium seat pad for like $49.95. You could upgrade to an MBA for like $79.95, but hell, why not go for the Ph. D. package with two car flags, three window stickers, alumni license plate holders (Ph.D. included), stadium seat pad, and the much coveted bronco rock – all that for say $129.95.

I was being nice about bsu until their president called me nasty and inebriated. He doesn’t even know the half of it.

Anyhow, yeah. Fall is here and the plywood coyotes are coming. Soon they will be swamping the city like tattered and sun faded bronco flags.

It Makes Me Feel Better

I saw this deal on the internets yesterday that was like a flow chart of all the different kind of facebook profile pictures. I got all excited because I thought it was going to provide some analysis of what your profile pic says about you – but I was a little disappointed. I mean, there was a little about that, and it was pretty good, but a little brief.



And a little wrong. I mean all that stuff about what pictures with only a portion of your face mean was complete bull crap. If you have a facebook pic that only shows part of your face it means one of two things. Either you are lazy or technologically inept. Really, you are either too lazy to move the picture around to show your mug, or you are too stupid to know how to do it.

A few things I would like to add...

If your profile picture has friends in it, your identity has an unhealthy connection to those of your friends. Especially if your friends look very similar to you.

If your profile picture has extended family in it your identity has an unhealthy connection to your family. I mean family is good, its even ok to look like them, but its ok to step away.

If your profile picture has one of your kids in it you lost your identity somewhere along the line – you should change your profile name to ‘so-and-so’s dad’. If your profile pic only has your kid and not you – well you are hiding behind your kid. That’s unhealthy. You should just change your profile name to your kids and give up.

If you are a guy and your profile pic is primarily your wife or gf you are probably bragging. You know, like ‘yeah, I hit that’. That is probably unhealthy.

If you are a girl and your profile pic is primarily your husband or bf your identity has an unhealthy connection to your significant other. Either that, or you are bragging. You know, like ‘yeah, I hit that’.

If your pic has you and a famous person in it you have an unhealthy fascination with famous people. That’s not good for your identity. If your pic just has a famous person and no you, well, that’s even worse. You got issues.

If your pic is from a perspective below you and looking up you have an unhealthy inferiority complex and having a fb pic like that is the only way you can make yourself feel better about yourself.

If your pic is from above looking down at you, your identity is unhealthily tied to your cleavage and you are probably a junior high girl. And like the other article said, you may be a slut.

If your pic is of you in some sporting equipment your identity has an unhealthy connection to your hobbies and you should spend more time with your family.

If your pic is of you at work, well, you should change it. Unhealthy connection to work. The most unhealthy connection of all.

If your profile pic is some sort of landscape you want people to think you are deep and contemplative. But you probably aren’t.

If your profile pic is of you and a dead animal you harvested – you should just change it to one of your face that is taken from a lower perspective. See above.

If your profile picture is someone other than you, you are paranoid. Or in jail. Or will be in jail. Jail is unhealthy.

I could go on, but you probably get the picture. If you have a fb profile pic you are probably unhealthy. If you have a fb account without a profile pic you have the stock fb phallic symbol assigned to your profile. This probably means you are too smart to get involved in fb, but you are afraid to be left behind by your friends (virtual or otherwise). This is unhealthy.

Yeah, so fb is unhealthy.

I have to go update my status.

I Was Lost, But Now I'm Found

Sorry, I have been lost in Portland for the last 2 months.

Not literally mind you, I haven’t been in Portland for 2 months, it’s just that the last time I remember my brain working was when I was in Portland.

Maybe I lost it when I was lost. That’s the thing about Oregon – they do a good job of placing signs to get you places, but not such a good job getting you out of places.

Yeah, I went to the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry. It was very sciency and industrious. When I left I got lost. I was in the middle of hundreds of blocks that looked like Boise’s north end. There were little Hyde Parks everywhere.

All the people there were busy trying to be eclectic. And wearing knit hats. I think that the more people there are trying to be eclectic the harder it becomes – pretty soon everyone is eclectic, then no one is eclectic because eclectic becomes the norm. I think that is where Portland is.

Anyway, I don’t know. I am not very eclectic, but I was a girl scout once.

Right, so everyone was wearing knit hats and riding bicycles. Which was cool. I mean the bike part. Knit hats are good too, but I think helmets go better with bicycles. And knit hats don’t really go with helmets – I have seen it done and it isn’t pretty.

Portland reminded me of a ‘Wheres Waldo?’ book. Not sure why, it just did.
I think I may go back some day. Some day when I have a little bit more time to be lost. I will take a knit hat and some spoke cards.