Dude.

You may recall, that a while back I was forced to violate the bathroom ‘omerta’ or, ‘code of silence’ for you non-bicycling folks. I was reluctant to do so, crossing the line in the sand is never an easy thing to do, but the freestyle pee’r just pushed me over the edge. I am pleased to report that I haven’t felt any negative repercussions for my whistle-blowing. Yes, I am still allowed to use the public restroom.

You can see why I thought this chapter in my life was over, and well, it was, until yesterday. I have seen some new freestyle pee’ing since the original article, but I have refrained from sharing the observations out loud, in my writing voice. That is, until today. You see, I was pushed over the edge again yesterday.

So since the last article I have discovered the ‘stage fright pee’r’, the guy that is pee’ing happily along until someone steps up to the next urinal – then he stops, and resumes pee’ing after the second pee’r leaves. I think the ‘stage fright pee’r’ might also be the toilet pee’r, who retreats into the stall to pee – even when there is a urinal available. I guess that’s all good, if you need to have the right mood to pee, so it goes.

I discovered another freestyle pee’r in my very own house. He is ‘pee everywhere but in the pot pee’r’. Floor, baseboards, wall, you name it – my 6 year old can hit it. Except the pot. He has trouble with the pot. I think he will improve his aim with age, but I could be wrong. I have been some places where grown men apparently haven’t mastered the art of the aim.

I guess that brings me to yesterday. There I was. Minding my own business. Slaying a pee. Guy in the next urinal is peeing too. Then it happens. Dude rips one. A nasty long wet one. A ‘I gotta go wipe’ one.

What the hell is that? How do you respond to that? I mean really, do you ignore it? Do you tell the guy to grab a stall? Do you make a joke about wiping? I really don’t need this. There I am, minding my own business and this guy decides to launch nuclear winter right next to me.

So I hold my breath. It prevents me from breathing. It prevents me from saying something I shouldn’t. My mind races. OMG! WTF! LOL! LMAO! What do I do? Ugh. This is why some people don’t use public restrooms.

I went with my old standby. The thing I always say when I don’t know what to say. It works in any situation and could mean anything…

‘Dude’.