Tour de Pants 3

The other day a co-worker and I were sitting discussing, um, work related topics when a second co-worker came up. We will call him Opie. So Opie looks at me and says ‘Mike, that’s a NICE shirt’. He said it in such a way that the original co-worker was immediately prompted to mention something about the undertone of the statement.

You know, I didn’t really need the follow up statement about the undertone because I clearly heard what Opie meant the first time. He said ‘holly crap! Mike isn’t dressed like a bum today!’ Yeah, I’m not stupid, and like I have said before – it’s not that I don’t care what other people think, I just get over it really quickly.

Besides, it was true. I wasn’t dressed like a bum that day. That’s because it’s time for the Tour de Pants again. If you don’t remember , that’s the time of year when I start at one side of the closet and just start wearing stuff until I get to the other side – regardless of whether I want to or not.

Yup, I wear it all. The corduroy pants (vvvt,vvvt – it’s the cloth of kings you know), the high waters, and even the gnarly sweater that I got for Christmas. So then at the end I donate all the stuff I really hated wearing to charity.

I am on stage eight today. I am sporting some green pants that are left over from my fat days. The waist is like four inches too big. I really need a belt, but I couldn’t find it. I have to keep one finger through a belt loop at all times to prevent an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction. People probably think I am angry because I have had my hands on my hips all day. Yeah, these pants will soon be available at a youth ranch near you.

In case you were wondering – there are no bike shorts on the tour de pants. When bike shorts die they go to the ancient bike short burial ground. It’s like that place where all the elephants go to die in movies – only it is vaguely transparent bike shorts instead of elephant bones. Or something like that.

I think I have about ten stages left. That’s pretty good. The first time I did this there were like 40 stages - it took about a month and a half. The best dressed month and a half of my life.

It’s all pretty refreshing. And weird. You should try it.

Speaking of refreshing. Someone went all bumper cars on my truck yesterday – you know, when I was riding with Hitler on my way to work (or was that Bush). Yeah, schmacked right into the back of me – ugh. She didn’t have insurance and flat out lied to me and the cop about it. Refreshing eh? I am pretty sure it was Hitler’s fault. Little bastard.

So yeah, now I am trying to decide if it is worth suing someone who can’t afford insurance for my $500 deductable. I am leaning towards not. Sometimes I wish I had a buttonman.

First time in a long time I was glad I wasn’t riding my bike.