Sore-Ass Gifting

I think it goes something like this…

Relative 1 - ‘Ah man, I still have to get something for Mike for Christmas – nuts!’
Relative 2 – ‘I think he likes bike riding, maybe you could get him something for that.’
Relative 1 – ‘I think you are right. He does ride his bike too much.’
Relative 2 – ‘Maybe you could get him one of those huge bike seats so his butt is comfortable while he rides.’
Relative 1 – ‘Yes, he is a sore-ass. Maybe that would make him a bit less angry?’

So yeah, then on Christmas I role out and unwrap some huge seat or other device contrived to make my ass a little less sore. I don’t think its working. What do you think?

It ain’t that I am ungrateful, really, I am just misunderstood. Misunderstood because I am a cyclist.

I guess everyone has ridden bike before, and all that 90% of those people remember about it is that if they spent more than a halfy in the saddle it tweaked their bits. And if tweaked bits does anything, it creates compassion for other people with tweaked bits. Hence, the huge bicycle seat market. I mean the market for huge bicycle seats, not that you can make a load of money selling bike seats – which actually I think you can, but that’s beside the point.

Anyhow, tweaked bits = compassion = sore-ass gifting.

I think if you use the word ‘anyhow’ more than once a day it may mean you have A.D.D.

Yeah, anyhow, people that don’t ride bikes a lot just don’t get it.

I have tried to explain it before but it just doesn’t get through. You know, I tell people about chamois and how padding that moves with your body is better than padding that rubs against your bits. Then they walk away with the impression that I have some type of European antelope in my shorts that protects my bits from getting tweaked. Because, you know, a chamois is an antelope right? And then they conclude that a big ass seat is surely better than having a small antelope in their shorts so they buy you the seat for Christmas thinking they saved you from the discomfort of an antelope in the shorts.



Maybe we should call it a pad instead of a chamois. That might help.

I got these this year to protect me from antelope in my shorts. I know you are jealous. Maybe I will rock one during the Jason Broome TT – that would be nice.



So rest assured everyone, between these bad boys and the antelope my bits will not likely be tweaked and I will surely become somewhat less of a sore-ass.