My Dogs is Bitches

I awoke Sunday to the sound of water being poured from a pitcher into a glass. Even semi-conscious I knew that nothing good could come of liquidy sounds in morning, so I sat up and looked around. My wife was in the bathroom, but the sound wasn’t coming from there.

Turns out a dog peeing in a shoe sounds exactly like someone pouring water into a glass from a pitcher. Yup, there was little black dog (lbd) peeing into a croc. As I flew out of bed, corrected the dog, drug her downstairs and threw her out the door I thought to myself, ‘self, at least it wasn’t your shoe’. That’s true. It wasn’t my shoe.

So yeah, lbd pee’d in a shoe. My wife’s croc to be exact. This is the same dog that fought with the sprinkler system twice this summer (dog 2, sprinklers 0). The same dog that pulled one of pumps out of my backyard waterfall and destroyed it (don’t ask, I don’t know). The same dog that found the buried power cord to the other pump in the backyard waterfall and chewed it in half (yes, the gfi works). The same dog that is now in the middle of her second tour of dog training. And oh yeah, the same dog that occasionally escapes the backyard to go romp in the neighborhood.

Just to be clear, this is not the dog that ate my sons homework (really, she did. I wrote a note to the teacher. I got one back that was all water damaged. I think she laughed so hard she cried on it). Not the dog that once ate half of a Costco chocolate cake. Not the dog that always poops within seconds of me picking up all the poop in the yard. And not the dog that eats apples by the dozen, especially when I act like I might pick them all up off the ground. Not the dog that until Sunday morning I suspected of peeing in the house. No, that dog is big yellow dog (byd).

My wife has like 100 pairs of shoes. Normally I exaggerate a little, but in this case I am not. I promise. On Sunday morning at least 18 pairs of those shoes were laying around on the bedroom floor, you know, waiting to get pee’d in. So really, what are the odds that my wife comes out of the bathroom while I am throwing lbd out – and puts on the shoes that lbd just pee’d in? It’s a long shot right?

I know why crocs have those little holes in the sides now. I used to think it was for ventilation. Now I know that it is to give the pee somewhere to go when you slide your foot in a pee filled croc.

It’s a good thing I was still downstairs when my wife screamed, because I might have smiled. I may have even giggled a little. That would not have gone over well. Trust me. I composed myself by the time she got downstairs. Composed myself to give my standard response for when my wife is pissed at someone who is not me – ‘those bastards’! Except this time, this time I rolled with ‘those bitches’!