Signs Your Town Has Too Many Parks

I kicked a squirrel the other day. It wasn’t nearly as satisfying as I thought it might be.

At my work there are some people that feed squirrels peanuts at the back door. Sometimes, if you leave the door open for too long the squirrels will sneak in and feed themselves peanuts from the peanut stash.

Dirty little bastards. The squirrels, not the co-workers. Well, usually not the co-workers. Squirrels are nothing but rats with bushy tails. If they could figure out how to kill you they would eat you. Just like your house cat. Of that, I am convinced.

Maybe I don’t like squirrels because I ride a bike. Squirrels are like the roadside bombs of the bicycle world. I am pretty sure that they or getting together to try and off me. So you know, they can eat me. I wonder if I would taste nutty?

There you are, minding your own business when boom! A squirrel jumps out in front of you. You dodge left, it dodges right – right in front of you that is. They seem determined to jam themselves in your spokes like this…



Of course then I would be flung over the bars onto my back at which point the rest of the little terrorist would jump out of the bushes and gnaw on me.

I used to try and dodge squirrels, but now I just aim at them. That way if I hit one it will just go bump bump and not get caught up in my wheel. They are really pretty good at getting out of the way if you just aim straight at them. I have never had a problem, well, until the other day.

Sometimes when I can’t ride my bike to work, I take it with me and try to get in a nooner. That’s what I did one day last week. The day I kicked the squirrel.
I changed into my cycling clothes and went out to get my bike.

I leave my bike shoes in the truck with my bike, so I was rocking socks when I stepped outside. Stepped outside right into a squirrel. I knew something wasn’t quite right when I could feel something furry and wiggly at the end of my left big toe. It didn’t last very long, by the time I looked down there wasn’t anything stuck to my toe – but there was a squirrel rolling across the concrete a foot or so away.

I didn’t do it on purpose. I wouldn’t do that on purpose, well, at least not without shoes. The little vermin was coming right at me! I was attacked!
So the squirrels have mobilized. They are lining the street waiting for me.



They haven’t figured out that I leave from the back of the building yet.