Goin Rogue With Captain Kirk

A friend sent me this picture today.



Star Trek & Sarah Palin Book Available Now.

Of course I immediately thought - Wow, I new she was out there, but not that out there. Sarah Palin in Star Trek? Seriously?

I wonder if she goes rogue? I wonder if Captain Kirk goes rogue? I wonder if they...

Um, nevermind.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, she is an expert. She can see space from her house ya know.

The B-team?

For some reason when I saw this the first thing that came to mind was that B.A. Baracus would not approve.

The second thing was that I didn't know what crusing was. What I did know was that it was so fine, bitchen, and far out.

It was definitely better than this one.



That just seems to be asking for trouble.

Happy Friday.

Three Unrelated Items All Mashed Together

My 6 year old son has been into Star Wars a bit lately, so this morning when I went in to wake him up I got close and whispered in my best Darth Vader voice ‘Luke, I am your father’.

Without opening his eyes or giving any other indication he is awake he whispers in his best Darth Vader voice ‘Dad, I already know that’.

I think he may have been telling me where to stick it.

Speaking of telling people where to stick it, I am sure you have seen this but I don’t care because it cracks me up.



I always wanted to win a bike race and fly the double eagle across the line. That was before I saw this guy. The six shooter alternating birds culminating in the double eagle would be the pinnacle of celebrations. Now I just need to find a race I can win.

No one wins when there is an angry beaver ravaging town. I stumbled across this the other day.



I saw a beaver when I was rocking down the gb on the way to work one morning. Well, actually I didn’t know it was a beaver until I was rolling past it. I just said ‘nice beaver’ and kept riding. The thought never crossed my mind to dismount and place my bike between myself and the beaver. Aww hell, another opportunity lost. I have never fought a beaver before.

Apparently it isn't all that uncommon. I found this video on YouTube...



Of course that was a Russian beaver. And we all know Russains are evil right?

Anyhow, there you have it. My blog mashup.

Got Nuts?

I got this email today. It had a linky to this website, where you can get these…



Of course, this is just one style, you could be rocking several other styles as well.
At first I thought it was pretty sweet. I immediately envisioned myself powering through a time trial in the Tokyo style helmet with the Jazz Pink fabric. Because, you know, sometimes it is more important to look good than to be fast – and with that lid I would be looking good. Good indeed.

After some reflection, however, I think I may not be as attractive as lid models on the website. I know, self doubt is an ugly thing, but I really don’t know if I can pull it off. I think maybe covering up my balding head and ugly melon cover with some textile stylings may be a bit like wearing baggy shorts over the tops of your tights. You know how I feel about that.

I’m still not sure, I will need to cogitate on it for a while. Of course if I did decide that I had the intestinal fortitude to sport one of those, I would have to overcome the fact that the prices are in euros, and that I don’t know what a euro is worth. I am guessing a couple dollars at least, because it isn’t cheap to look good on a bike.

Speaking of having nuts, these deer don’t, but they found some in front of the building where I work.



They have been making frequent visits recently, eating all acorns. That probably pisses the squirrels off, but so it goes.

Yesterday, there was a buck with them. Of course I missed it, but some friends took pictures of some deer partaking in a little ungulate foreplay. If we don’t run out of nuts soon I think there may be some corrupting of deer morals right in front of our office. OMG!

Speaking of corrupt morals and deer in town what’s up with these wankers?


Its always a good idea to do some deer hunting at night with a flashlight and underpowered sawed off shotgun. Of course deer season is closed and you are right next to a subdivision, so it isn’t like you can ‘hunt’ during the day with a rifle.

Asshats.

For the life of me I can’t figure out how they didn’t get shot by Boise PD. It’s ok, they could have their hunting privileges revoked for 3 years – oh the horror, hunting by the rules obviously means so much to these guys.

At least they weren’t hunting in front of my office…

True Confessions

This isn’t easy for me to say.

I am embarrassed to admit it, but when I graduated from high school I wasn’t ready for college.

So I went to Boise State University.

The fact that I spent three years there doesn’t make it any easier to own. I know. That’s a long time to decide that you don’t want to be a truck driver.

So yeah, one day I woke up and realized I didn’t want to be a truck driver, or construction manager. I also realized I couldn’t get into nursing school if I wanted to.

So I transferred to the University of Idaho.

I did learn some things at BSU. First, there is always a party on every Saturday night somewhere around Lincoln and Beacon. Second, you can pass a 3 credit class even if you only show up once a week. If you are an athlete you don’t even have to show up once.

Then, then there is BSU math. That is the math and reasoning skills you use to justify giving the national championship to the football team with the 100th ranked difficulty of schedule. Did I ever tell you how BSU won Super Bowl XVI? It goes like this…

BSU shut down Adrian Peterson in the Fiesta Bowl in January 2007 season. Then, in November 2007 Adrian Peterson ran for nearly 300 yards against the San Diego Chargers and set the single game rushing record for the NFL. Ergo, BSU is better than the San Diego Chargers.

Later that year, the San Diego Chargers defeated the Indianapolis Colts. Ergo, BSU is better than the Indianapolis Colts.

The Indianapolis Colts won Super Bowl XLI on the field. But really, since we all know that BSU is better than the Indianapolis Colts – BSU won the Super Bowl.

See how that works? BSU math.

So then I went to the University of Idaho. I didn’t bleed blue and orange from my time at BSU, but I did like Blue Monday at the Garden.

I learned some things at U of I too. First, that my self worth is not determined by the number of flags, window stickers, license plate holders, wind socks, bumper stickers, license plates, sweatshirts, sweatpants, t-shirts, jackets, hats, gloves, socks, chairs, bbq’s , cars, trucks, suvs, rv’s, and underpants that I own with my favorite athletic team logo on them. Second, they can put windows in cows. I also learned that most of the things that I learned at BSU were not applicable in college.

(Later I learned that most things I learned at BSU and U of I were not applicable to real life, but that is for another day).

I did learn some Vandal math.

There are 12 cans in a half rack. There are 24 cans in a case. There are about 80 cans in a pony keg, you know, give or take a few. Ergo, there are about 160 cans in a keg, you know, give or take 4 or 5.

I also gained the analytical skills that enable me to realize that the likelihood of the Vandals overcoming the Broncos tomorrow is slim at best.

So it goes. This too, shall pass.

Go Vandals!

Signs Your Town Has Too Many Parks

I kicked a squirrel the other day. It wasn’t nearly as satisfying as I thought it might be.

At my work there are some people that feed squirrels peanuts at the back door. Sometimes, if you leave the door open for too long the squirrels will sneak in and feed themselves peanuts from the peanut stash.

Dirty little bastards. The squirrels, not the co-workers. Well, usually not the co-workers. Squirrels are nothing but rats with bushy tails. If they could figure out how to kill you they would eat you. Just like your house cat. Of that, I am convinced.

Maybe I don’t like squirrels because I ride a bike. Squirrels are like the roadside bombs of the bicycle world. I am pretty sure that they or getting together to try and off me. So you know, they can eat me. I wonder if I would taste nutty?

There you are, minding your own business when boom! A squirrel jumps out in front of you. You dodge left, it dodges right – right in front of you that is. They seem determined to jam themselves in your spokes like this…



Of course then I would be flung over the bars onto my back at which point the rest of the little terrorist would jump out of the bushes and gnaw on me.

I used to try and dodge squirrels, but now I just aim at them. That way if I hit one it will just go bump bump and not get caught up in my wheel. They are really pretty good at getting out of the way if you just aim straight at them. I have never had a problem, well, until the other day.

Sometimes when I can’t ride my bike to work, I take it with me and try to get in a nooner. That’s what I did one day last week. The day I kicked the squirrel.
I changed into my cycling clothes and went out to get my bike.

I leave my bike shoes in the truck with my bike, so I was rocking socks when I stepped outside. Stepped outside right into a squirrel. I knew something wasn’t quite right when I could feel something furry and wiggly at the end of my left big toe. It didn’t last very long, by the time I looked down there wasn’t anything stuck to my toe – but there was a squirrel rolling across the concrete a foot or so away.

I didn’t do it on purpose. I wouldn’t do that on purpose, well, at least not without shoes. The little vermin was coming right at me! I was attacked!
So the squirrels have mobilized. They are lining the street waiting for me.



They haven’t figured out that I leave from the back of the building yet.

Signs Your Town Doesn't Have Enough Parks

I have this cycling rain jacket that I bought for a buck. It really kind of sucks because I get almost as wet inside from sweat as I do outside from rain. A friend of mine used to call me 'rubber boy' because of it. But what the hell, it was only a buck, right?

I was looking for it the other day, you know, because it was raining. While looking for it I stumbled across this old news paper...



You can see it is kind of old. I have been saving it a while. Here is lower part of the page.



Recently we were in Boise and happened to see this live duck walking around this tree...

Wow! A live duck walking around a tree! Are you shitt'n me? You are right? Actually I would have been more impressed with a dead duck walking around the tree.

Nothing seemed to disturb this duck...

Apparently in Riggins, they are more used to disturbed ducks.

...we went in and asked about the duck.

I would have payed to be there to be asked about the duck. Really.

They did say it was not their duck. They didn't feed it and it came anyway.

I am pretty sure that these are the best two sentences in the history of newspapers. Hands down. Pulitzer stuff, that.

Yeah, I found the jacket too.

A Few Loose Ends

A friend sent me this the other day…



Tragic and a bit disturbing.

Note to self - if you ever drive into a pond, calling friends on your celly is not an effective method of rescue. Unless maybe the pond is in said friends backyard. Try something else. Anything else.

Another friend sent me this…

… two Nevada college students struggled to stay calm after a drunk driver allegedly tore into their home, ripping them from their slumber.

Allegedly, you know, because they may have imagined it. Ripping, nice verb selection, that’s painful to read.

…When you experience something like that there's no limits anymore

No limits in Nevada, Uh oh. Keep an eye on that guy.

Authorities say the motorist was drunk when he drove into the couple's home in Sparks, mistakenly believing it was the home of his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend.
Eric Cross is accused of drunken driving, battery with a deadly weapon, possession of a stolen vehicle, driving without a license and careless driving for his alleged role in the crash, which occurred October 21, according to the Washoe County Sheriff's Office.

So the dude decides he is going to kill his ex by driving into her house with a car. He chooses to steal a Kia Rio to do the job? I mean really, a Kia? What, couldn’t you find a Subaru Justy? Asshat.

"I could see the tire to the right side and I was like, there's a car on top of me right now," he said. "That was really hard to get through my head."

Dude! I’m totally getting squished by a car! That is significantly below average.

Woods credited the slackness of the bed for preventing their legs from breaking altogether as the weight of the car pinned his girlfriend's entire body and his lower half to the bed.

Um, slackness? Slackness. Yeah.

"She was screaming really badly because I could actually move above my chest and neck, but she couldn't move anything," he said.

Screaming because, you know, its unfair. He can move his top and she can’t.
So the car is sitting on them. It comes about halfway up on him, but all the way over her head. Her head is about halfway up...

The couple calmed down somewhat after emergency workers arrived at the scene, using chainsaws to rip through the wall…

Check, soothing chainsaws. Remember that. It is the last time you will ever see it.

"When the car was lifted and you could see blood circulating back through my legs, that was probably the happiest moment of my life: Yes! I'm not paralyzed," he said.
"I was so happy, hugging everyone and making sure Kristin was all right," he said. "I was just real happy to get out of there."

Whoa! You had me at circulating.

Now there is something you don’t see every day.

Wasn't Me

I went trick-or-treating with my 6 year old son and some of his friends on Saturday. He was a Kermit the frog. I was dressed as a slacker in a Vandals sweatshirt and jeans with holes in the knees. I took one of our dogs, lbd as well. Lbd was dressed as a witch. Really.

I have always felt that dogs wearing clothes is a warning sign that there is a demented person nearby. Dressing my dog was my wife’s idea. I didn’t like it, but I rolled with it because I like being married.

So yeah, we walked to the other kids houses to pick up the other kids. One of the other kids moms decided to come along too. Because, you know, you don’t just let your kids go walking around with a guy who has a dog in a dress.

We go to pick up the last kid in the party, a neighbor girl 2-3 years older than my son. She is wearing some kind of pink furry outfit with a skirt over the top. I think she said she was a Cheetah Girl. Whatever. My son, never short on words, lets loose with ‘oooooooooooooo, sexy costume!’

You know, in his outside voice.

Umm, yeah. The other kids mom is giving me the stink eye. ‘Where did he learn that’, she said.

Errrrrr, wow, the things kids pick up at school. I mean, he didn’t couldn’t have gotten it from me – I don’t talk like that. Right?

Is it possible that at 6 years old my son has already discovered the true meaning of Haloween?

Shorts - OK, Tights - OK, Tights & Shorts - ?

You know what I hate? I hate it when people wear tights, then they wear shorts over the top of them. Yup, that’s what I hate.

It happens a lot this time of year, what with the chilly temperatures and all. It is too cold to wear just shorts, but it isn’t too cold to stop riding a bike.

So there is this big group of people that are afraid to wear spandex but like riding bikes. Oh, the horror. The conflict inside just tearing them apart. In the summer they rock the baggy mountain bike shorts, because they think they can look swell and ride a road bike at the same time. Well, they are wrong.

When fall roles around they throw on a pair of tights and slap a pair of shorts over the top. Looking keen right? Well, not exactly. You look like someone who has butt issues. Nothing says butt insecurity like baggy shorts over tights. That goes for runners too.

Get over it. Odds are no one cares about your butt. Well, I mean, besides you. You care about your butt. You care much more than anyone else. Butts come in 3 categories: significantly below average, average, and significantly above average. Covering your butt with more clothing cannot move your butt from one category up to another category but it can move your butt down a category. Really the only thing that can make your butt move up is lots of exercise by you, or lots of beer consumed by everyone else.

I guess what I am saying is own your butt. TTFU and ditch the baggy shorts. You can be sexy with a big butt, but you can’t be sexy with butt insecurity. Seriously, when was the last time you saw someone sexy with tights and a pair of baggies.

Euwh. That sounded bad. You get the idea though.

So yeah, that’s what I hate.

Butt to Mother-in-law

I just wanted to say that changing the time 2 times a year sucks ass. That’s all I have to say about that.

So the time changed. It takes a few days for my old body to adjust. I decided to ride my bike to work anyway.

It was a bit chilly this morning. I decided to ride my bike to work anyway.

When I went to get on my bike this morning I remembered that my back tire had worn through and I could see the casing underneath. I did ride my bike to work anyway, but not until after I put on a new back tire.

After I put the new rubber on the back I check the front. I decide to add some air.
I put the little presta valve to shraeder valve converter majig on the valve (because my pump works best if I do that). I put some air in the front tire. When I unscrew the presta to shraeder converter majig the whole entire presta valve stem thingy unscrews out of the valve. Air goes everywhere.

Damn it! I smile to myself as I think that I guess I am just going to have drive today. In the truck. The truck with the heater.

I am halfway back inside to change my clothes when I remember that I have like 8 bike wheels. Four of them are front wheels. Unfortunately none of them are Natty Light front disc wheels, but one of them does have a tire with air in it. I decided to ride my bike to work anyway.

About a mile from home I feel my phone ring (vibrate). Now where did I put that phone? Is it in the back of my wind vest? Nope. Is it in the back of my long sleeve jersey? Nope. Oh, there it is, in pocket number 9 in the short sleeve jersey underneath the long sleeve jersey, underneath the wind vest.

I really like to layer.

So yeah, by the time I get to pocket number 9 the phone isn’t ringing anymore. I check the caller ID and find it was my wife. There is a surprise. I get my hopes up that I may get to go back home and get in my truck (the warm one) because of some family issue.

I call my wife back. She asks me why I made a phone call to her parents so early in the morning.

Umm, butt? Was that you butt? Yup, squished between my lower back and my tremendously manly commuter bag, my phone decided to make a call. It called my inlaws and woke them up. That was kinda funny of my butt. Actually that was the second call of the morning for my butt. First it called someone I don’t know. Oops.

I decide to take the long gb way to work. If anymore funny business happened I didn’t want it to involve a car. It was pretty uneventful after that. Somewhere around Veterans Pond my toes started to hurt. I would have quit and went home but I was closer to work.

Around the zoo somewhere my hamstrings felt funny. It was right before I almost hit the duck. Damn ducks.

Anyway, I made it to work. My reward? Work. Oh yeah, then I get to do it all over again on the way home.