My IASW

Ok, I’m back. Back from vacation. Back from work trips. Even back in the saddle again.
Disneyworld pretty much rocks. Except for all the people. Yeah, the people kind of suck. And the expensive food and beverage. That kind of sucked too, not a good place to have a cola addiction. Then there was the airplane stuff, that always sucks – but I already wrote about that. Other than that it was pretty sweet. But there is that other thing, you know, the “It’s a Small World” thing. Yes, there was that. That was significantly below average. Four times.

So I am rocking along in IASW. Feeling good, not a 300 pounder is site – I will wash right through this thing. Like a corn kernel through the gut. Quick. Like a fat kid on a funnel cake. That’s fast. Faster than a fat kid on a donut – in case you were wondering. So yeah, there I am like a fat kid on a funnel cake zipping through IASW.

Then it happened. My son started singing. It’s a small world after all. Oh shit. Not good. I know what it means the instant I hear it. He likes it. He thinks it rocks. He’s gonna make us go again. I’m looking at double jeopardy, a second tour – and that just ain’t right.

So the second time through I start wondering if it is appropriate to promote cultural stereotypes on a kids ride at Disneyworld. The third time through I am thinking that if your gonna do it, you might as well update the stereotypes. The fourth time through I came up with a plan to update the ride.

My IASW would be something like this…

When I think Holland, wooden shoes is not what comes to mind. In fact I am guessing that there are more people in Nikes than wooden shoes in Holland. But I don’t think about that. When I think Holland I think Amsterdam. When I think Amsterdam I think liberal attitudes, legal drug use, and legal prostitution. So in my IASW I would replace the wooden shoe dolls with pot smoking, acid dropping dolls, and throw in some scantily clad prostitute dolls for good measure.

The French people would be eating cheese. And swilling wine. And well, you know, surrendering. I might also add a few sucking at bike racing too.

The Italian guy wouldn’t be in that stupid little boat. They would be dressed up like Catholic church leaders and Mafia bosses. I don’t know what that stuff looks like. It may be hard to tell the difference.

The dolls from the middle east wouldn’t be charming snakes or riding carpets or any of that. They would have machine guns and wear Nike gear. There would be a burning American flag in the background.

Speaking of Americans, there wouldn’t be a USA in the ride. They sold their spot to all the other countries. There would be Americans though. A few in each country. They would be the fat dolls with money in one hand, and a gun in the other - telling everyone else what to do.
The Indians would be answering tech support calls.

You wouldn’t be able to see the Chinese people because there would be a brown foggy haze in that area. You would just be able to hear them making stuff.

The Canadians would be drinking beer, eh?

The Mexicans wouldn’t be wearing sombreros but may be sneaking across the border. I don’t know why.

The Central Americans would be making cocaine, being poor, and fighting gorillas.

The South Americans would be playing soccer, using only one name. And calling the American President a pubic hair.

Yup, that’s how it would go. Updated stereotypes. I don’t make them up, I just perpetuate ‘em.
Maybe the new IASW would have different music. I am thinking “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel, or “Tom’s Diner” by Suzanne Vega. I’ll leave you with that one.