Freestyle Pee'r

Something has been bothering me for a long time. I wanted to say something, but just didn’t know how to broach the subject. But as of today, I can remain silent no longer. I was going to write about something else today, but this can’t wait any longer.

The urinal is pretty standard infrastructure in a men’s bathroom. There are small differences here and there, but for the most part they are just pee collectors. They are usually lined up along a wall side by side.

Some dudes like to mind their own business when they pee, just stare at the wall and take care of business. That’s me, a business pee’r. Other guys like to chat to the people around them while they pee and stare at the wall. I can do that too, but prefer to talk other places and times. Still others like to chat and pee and maintain eye contact at the same time. I don’t like to do that, but have done so occasionally in the past when the talking pee’r was someone I knew. My real concern is a whole other group of pee’rs – The Freestyle Pee’r.

I don’t really remember learning to pee standing up. I imagine I did it out of necessity when there wasn’t a restroom available, but honestly I don’t remember. I have always used the aim with one hand and hold the clothing out of the way with the other and stare at the wall method – I don’t know why, thats just the way I’ve always done it. I have never used the little pee hole in the underwear – may as well sew that thing up. I am definitely not a freestyle pee’r.

It’s not anyone thing with the freestyle pee’r, they are all different as the name implies…

There is the ‘wall leaner’ who aims with one hand and leans against the wall with the other – giving the impression of great pain and dejectedness. I always wonder if it really hurts that bad and want to tell them to see a urologist.

Then there is ‘No Hands Guy’ in several variations. Hands on the hips, hands to the sides, or my favorite, hands behind the head. I don’t know how they aim, don’t want to know – I just wish they would use a hand, it makes me nervous. I wonder if they are ‘No Hands Guy’ on the bike too? Sometimes no hands guy stares down at himself instead of the wall too, which just creeps me out. Perhaps worst of all is no hands guy who likes to talk and look you in the eye while he pee’s. Ugh, mix in an aimer dude – you’re gonna make a mess.

There is this one freestyle pee’r at my work who aims with one hand and flushes the urinal almost continually while he pee’s with the other. I don’t know what that is all about. Maybe if I were a more chatty pee’r I would ask.

Anyhow, I just don’t get it. Freestyle peeing. WTF. It’s a bodily function, not a hobby people.

O.K. I feel better now.