Spring Break by the Numbers

Saturday

781.9 – miles between my house in Boise to the in-laws in Fort Collins.

17 – number of times my 5 year old son asked ‘Are we there yet’ or some iteration of ‘Are we there yet’.

5 – number of times my 29 year old wife asked ‘Are we there yet’ or some iteration of ‘Are we there yet’.

Sunday

8004 – feet above sea level at the top of a 13 mile climb during my training ride.

68 – degrees at 8004 feet above sea level.

14 – percent grade over the last mile of the climb

0 – number of times I stopped to pee during my 3+ hour ride.

Monday

52 – mile per hour sustained wind according to the weather guy.

34 – miles per hour. How fast you can go on a bike in a 52 mph tail wind without pedalling.

3 – number of times I had to watch ‘Dancing With the Stars’ over the week.

1 – the number of reasons a normal guy would watch ‘Dancing With the Stars’. If you have to
ask you are not normal.

Tuesday

132.96 – miles from the in-laws to the grandparent in-law house in Colorado Springs.

5 – the number of times my 5 year old son had to ask ‘Are we there yet’ before my father-in-law blew his top.

1 – the number of times I winked at my son to let him know I was proud of him.

3:49 – the length of the Creed song ‘Bullets’ which played at the Red Top burger place and made my in-laws cringe. I told them Creed was a religious group, and then it was ok. It was only a partial lie right? Scott Stapp’s dad was a pastor or something, saw it on VH1…

Wednesday

60 – the temperature during my ride of the 2008 Collegiate National Championship Road Race course.

347.5 – Estimated weight of the largest person I have ever seen on a road bike, whom I saw during my ride this day.

27.3 – Estimated speed of the 347.5 lb woman I saw riding a road bike today. Seriously. She had to be a code 350, and she was flying. I am just glad I was going the other way. She would have passed me. Most of you know how I feel about being passed.

0 – the number of times I stopped to pee during my 2.5 hour training ride.

100 – the number of watts I produced on the stationary bike at the Fort Collins Discovery Center to light up the light bulb. It felt more like 500.

4 – the number of shingles I had to help my father-in-law replace on their ‘manufactured home’.

Thursday

8 – number of inches of snow that fell at the in-laws house.

16 – inches of snow that fell in some other nearby locations.

2 – the number of times I watched ‘Bolt’. It was good. Both times.

2000 – the amount of rent you owe when you land on the Great Dane (Boardwalk) when It has a large bone (motel) in Dog-opoly. I know, I owned it.

4 – the number of times the in-laws watch the news each evening. 5, 5:30, Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy, 9:00, 10:00.

2 – the number of news stories repeated over and over in every news cast. Blizzard 2009, and Where is Jay Cutler.

Friday

4.5 – the number of miles I put in on the treadmill. Running still sucks.

12:30 – the start time of the first showing of Monsters vs Aliens. Good show.

10 – approximate number of times per week they have dessert at the in-laws house.

3.5 – the number of pounds I gained in 1 week at the in-laws.

Saturday

781.9 – miles between the in-laws in Fort Collins to my house in Boise.

11 – number of times my 5 year old son asked ‘Are we there yet’ or some iteration of ‘Are we there yet’.

2 – number of times my 29 year old wife asked ‘Are we there yet’ or some iteration of ‘Are we there yet’.

Birding

So I was going to blog about my spring break trip today, but on my way to work I got distracted. See, I saw a guy on a bike flip the bird to a car. The strange thing was that it wasn’t me doing the flipping or getting flipped – that doesn’t happen often.

It was interesting to see a different style of birding than my own. Usually I go for the uppercut kind of bird – starting low and swinging up in an arc, like BOOM! Up the butt! I usually enhance the motion with a little chaser of choice expletives.

The guy this morning had a completely different style. He started the bird at the top and dropped her into place at about chest level, when he got to chest level there was like a little bounce to lock it in for emphasis. I didn’t see or hear any expletives, but he did have a nasty look on his face. Not bad. You have got to respect other styles of birding.

A little further down the road I get behind Cadillac with a Harley-Davidson window sticker. No better way to advertise that you ride a motorcycle in penny loafers on the weekend when the weather is nice, and call yourself a biker. Note to window sticker dude, real bikers don’t have window stickers – in fact, they don’t have windows (or cars attached to them).

Ugh. I have got to get the commuter bike rolling again…

From the Hill

Wearing shorts is good. Real good. Skiing is good too. But if you ski and wear shorts at the same time you are moron.

You might think that people must think you are good to be skiing in shorts, but you are wrong – people are thinking you are a moron. Skiing requires some skills – wearing clothes does not.
Maybe you think you have need to get some sun on your legs. You are right. Your legs are pasty. Crazy pasty. Downright milky. But the sun on that 2 inches of exposed flesh between your boots and shorts isn’t gonna help. Its gonna give you a goofy ass tan. That’s what its gonna do – if you’re lucky. If you are not lucky it will just be bloody.

Maybe you think the chicks will dig it. Maybe you are right, but probably not. They are probably thinking you are a moron.

Went skiing this morning. 2 dudes in shorts – 3 kids without shirts. Morons. Every one of them.

I feel better now.

Who Is Allen?

Agh! Wednesdays Tool again! Some bad ideas never die – just look at daylight savings – thanks a lot BF’r. Anyhow here it is.

I don’t know who Allen is, but apparently these are his keys. I always thought they were hex wrenches. Probably the second coolest tool ever, right behind the cordless saws-all. I found these ones on a ride complete with the little holder thingy. Of course some of them had come out of the holder, so I had to waddle around on the road like a tool in spandex to pick them all up. Pretty cool huh? Not really, they are in English units – pieces of crap.

Speaking of English, yesterday was St. Patricks Day. I know, St. Patricks Day isn’t an English bit – maybe even an anti-English bit, but I needed a segue and didn’t want to say ‘Speaking of crap’. So yeah, speaking of crap, yesterday was St. Patricks Day.

I don’t really know who St. Patrick was. I assume he was a religious dude in Ireland. I’m not Irish. I don’t pretend to be. My mother is 100% Czechleslovakian. I don’t really think that makes me anymore Czech than it makes me Catholic, because she is that too. If that does make me Czechleslovakian, I guess I am a mormoholic too, because my dad is a Mormon. Yes I practice Mormotholicism? Can you tell I am not particularly religious either?

So yeah. I am not Irish. I don’t need an excuse to drink beer, and when I do drink beer I prefer it amber, not green. I won’t eat haggis, and the only green I really like is celeste. That movie, ‘Darbie O’Gill and the Little People’? – creeped me out. Scariest movie of all time. Except for maybe Alice in Wonderland – now that is scary stuff.

I drink about 1 guinness a year when I am feeling hairy. I can’t tell the difference between a Scottish and Irish accent. Until I looked at the map just now, I thought Ireland was on the other side of England. All I really know about Ireland is that it is green, and that they won the quiditch world cup.

I do like Lucky Charms. I wore my old school green LAC cycling shorts yesterday – but only because my other shorts make me look like ‘baggy spandex guy’. I love the Dropkick Murphy’s, and the Boston Red Sox. But I hate the Celtics.

Wow, I am worked up. Should have had some green beer.

Wizzer

I learned something yesterday. Well a few somethings. First, as a bike racer I am stupid. Second, I learned that when I blogged about the freestyle pee’r the other day that I left one off. Yes, I forgot to mention ‘Stops to pee with 5 miles left in a bike race guy’. Actually I didn’t forget and leave him off, I never really knew that he existed.

So yesterday was the first race of the spring series. For me the culmination of 6 months worth of training. Well, maybe 5 months – one of those months was me not riding my bike and healing. Anyhow, thousands of miles and countless hours on the bike, 25 lbs lost, 25,000 snacks passed up, rides in the cold and dark, rides with miscellaneous freaky people on the greenbelt – anyhow, you get the idea. I prepared a lot and thought I was ready.

I should have known it was going to be a bad day when I rolled up to the start line and realized that my number was on the wrong side. Well, it was on my left when I pinned it on – of course that was when my jersey was upside down on my car seat. Who would have known that the upside down of left was right?

The second clue should have been when my race number blew away when I was trying to move it – all while standing at the start line. Nice. Oh well got it fixed and was still lined up in the sweet spot at the front.

The wind was a little bit gnarly. No one wanted the front. Brandon Archibald tried for a while, my team mate Nick and I tried for a while, Brett Nichols helped a bit. But mostly we just plugged along. I rode at the front a bit, tried to stretch it out a little – but I just wasn’t strong enough or motivated enough and the only thing I accomplished was making myself tired. Rob Van Kirk went for a little solo break for a little while, I went for a little while with Kurt Holzer and an ICE guy McGovern? That was pretty much it for the first lap.

The second lap was fun. Flying down Kuna-Mora Rd at 37 mph and managed to get dropped, how the hell did that happen? That was like all the gears I had, I couldn’t go any faster. Need to work on that. Never thought I would be wishing for a headwind, but I was. The headwind came, and I caught back on. And sat there, then I wiped the drool off my chin and sat there some more, then I wiped the snot off my nose and sat there some more, then I did the bike seat shuffle to relieve my angry posterior and sat a little bit more – I just sat there most of the way through the 3 lap in fact.

About 10 miles out I knew that I was in trouble. I started smelling things, nice things. Bike racing is many things, but nice smelling is not one of them – so I knew the olfactory lobe was burning up from the effort. Then we pass one a broken spoke woman from another race. Smelling nice is good, but during a bike race maybe not so much.

So anyhow Matt Fethke is up the road a piece. One of my teammates is riding well, I decide to help the chase a little with what I have left so everyone is back together when we hit last hill. So I chased a bit. Then a bit more. Then a little bit more. The gap came down a bit. Then a bit more.

We hit the hill and the engine gives out. Scotty is yelling from my legs ‘ I’m given ya all she’s got cap’n, she can’t take no more’. Unlike the dude from star trek my legs don’t lie. I drop like Dan’s chain (sorry Dan, couldn’t help myself). Everyone rides past me on the hill. Almost everyone. My teammate had stopped to pee.

I’m going to call him wizzer now.

Redneck Throwing Stars

Wednesdays tool sucks. It isn’t nearly as fun using the word ‘tool’ in my blog as I thought it might have been. That said, I am not one to give up out of mere boredom so here it is – Wednesdays Tool.


For some reason I find a lot of these. By a lot I mean about 4 or 5, that’s a lot of anything to find on the side of the road. This is one of the few things that I have found that I actually use – utility knives are great for all kinds of stuff, like cutting things and, well, I guess cutting things is about it.

I’m not sure why I have found so many on the roadside, but I think it is because they are like redneck throwing stars – you know, in case you need something sharp to throw at people on the side of the road.

Ok, that’s enough of that. What I really want to write about is Costco.

Have you ever been to Costco on a weekend? I love Costco. There is something about seeing stuff in bulk that makes me want to buy it even though I would never consider buying smaller quantities. Like Fruit Loops (which I wouldn’t normally buy). When I see a huge box at Costco, Packaged with Apple Jacks (which I don’t eat) and Lucky Charm’s (which I DO eat) I think to myself… ‘Self, you have got to have that’! Some things about Costco are a little below average though.

On the weekend Costco gives out free samples. Your grandma is at both ends of every isle pimping anything edible. It kills me. People flock around the grandmas like a fat kid on a donut. They leave their shopping carts in the isle and go wait in line to be the next to try the free cracker – then they scurry on their chubby little legs to the next line to get their free corn chip. The lines for the bite of chicken finger or pizza role are real long. It’s a real family affair for some, with all 14 kids clogging up the isle to get their free Scooby fruit snack. Pushing and shoving, snarling and glaring – I hope you didn’t come here to shop. Don’t stand between the free sampler and his free cup of Gatorade.

When I go to Costco I do my best to look pissed off so people stay out my way. It doesn’t seem to be working – either I am not angry enough, or don’t look angry enough. I am pretty sure I am angry enough so I am developing a new look. Check this out…


Nothing says angry like one of those mustaches and a neck tattoo. You have to be badass to have a tattoo on your neck.

I have got a mustachio to grow…

Freestyle Pee'r

Something has been bothering me for a long time. I wanted to say something, but just didn’t know how to broach the subject. But as of today, I can remain silent no longer. I was going to write about something else today, but this can’t wait any longer.

The urinal is pretty standard infrastructure in a men’s bathroom. There are small differences here and there, but for the most part they are just pee collectors. They are usually lined up along a wall side by side.

Some dudes like to mind their own business when they pee, just stare at the wall and take care of business. That’s me, a business pee’r. Other guys like to chat to the people around them while they pee and stare at the wall. I can do that too, but prefer to talk other places and times. Still others like to chat and pee and maintain eye contact at the same time. I don’t like to do that, but have done so occasionally in the past when the talking pee’r was someone I knew. My real concern is a whole other group of pee’rs – The Freestyle Pee’r.

I don’t really remember learning to pee standing up. I imagine I did it out of necessity when there wasn’t a restroom available, but honestly I don’t remember. I have always used the aim with one hand and hold the clothing out of the way with the other and stare at the wall method – I don’t know why, thats just the way I’ve always done it. I have never used the little pee hole in the underwear – may as well sew that thing up. I am definitely not a freestyle pee’r.

It’s not anyone thing with the freestyle pee’r, they are all different as the name implies…

There is the ‘wall leaner’ who aims with one hand and leans against the wall with the other – giving the impression of great pain and dejectedness. I always wonder if it really hurts that bad and want to tell them to see a urologist.

Then there is ‘No Hands Guy’ in several variations. Hands on the hips, hands to the sides, or my favorite, hands behind the head. I don’t know how they aim, don’t want to know – I just wish they would use a hand, it makes me nervous. I wonder if they are ‘No Hands Guy’ on the bike too? Sometimes no hands guy stares down at himself instead of the wall too, which just creeps me out. Perhaps worst of all is no hands guy who likes to talk and look you in the eye while he pee’s. Ugh, mix in an aimer dude – you’re gonna make a mess.

There is this one freestyle pee’r at my work who aims with one hand and flushes the urinal almost continually while he pee’s with the other. I don’t know what that is all about. Maybe if I were a more chatty pee’r I would ask.

Anyhow, I just don’t get it. Freestyle peeing. WTF. It’s a bodily function, not a hobby people.

O.K. I feel better now.

The Melmer Theory of Weightyness

So here it is time for Wednesday and time for Wednesday’s Tool. That’s the bad news. There is no good news. I was going to tell you about my new Gloves For Bums program, but it turns out the sweet picture I was going to use is too large to be sent from my phone. Talk about tools. Why would it take a photo that I can’t send. Eff.

So gloves for bums will have to wait. I could write about a person today, but I am trying to hold off on calling people tools for a few weeks. What to do…

I do have this picture. It is tool I found while riding. Maybe the best ever. It is a socket thingy with little pins inside so you can use it on any size anything. That’s right, just like you saw on TV. It is so great that I haven’t used it since I found it.

It has a sexy nylon case. I found it on mile 5 of a 60 mile bike ride one day. I am pretty sure that it weighs like 30 lbs. When I put it in my jersey pocket it pulled my jersey down over my ass and into my back wheel. It pulled my collar into my throat and choked me. That’s how I know it is good. All the best stuff is heavy – it’s a theory I have, there is a direct relationship between weight and quality. There are obviously a few exceptions like bike parts and other things I shouldn’t write about, but overall I am sticking with it. It’s part of the reason that I have this huge cell phone (that apparently takes crappy pictures) – my cell phone is so big and heavy I could use it to hold up my truck while I change a tire. I think I will call it ‘The Melmer Theory of Weightyness’.

Anyhow. There it is, Wednesdays Tool. In all its glory. I know you want it. Reap it.

Keep Right?

I saw this license plate while I was riding at lunch.

KP RGHT

I felt violated. Violated like I had been yelled at or repremanded without a guy even yelling or flipping me off. I mean, how do you respond to that?

Of course maybe it wasn't intended for me. In fact it most likely wasn't. This is Idaho.

Probably just another Republican.

Strangely I don't feel any less violated.