That Ain't Nutt'n

I used to work with this dude, his initials were BM. No, his name wasn’t butt munch – but he did display a high degree of butt munchitude. Probably the munchiest thing about him was his habit of one-upping everyone on everything. If you had a story about catching 5 fish, BM had a story about catching 6. If you had a story about climbing a 14,000 ft mountain, he climbed 15,000 ft. If you met a hot girl he was dating miss America. He always started his stories by saying “That ain’t nutt’n”, to discount your story while building his.

You might have noticed I like to tell stories, so this guy really annoyed me.

So I tell you this because it is with much hesitance that I tell you it was butt-freaking cold riding my bike yesterday morning. The hesitance is because of BM. I am sure back in Iowa he rode his bike over the alps in two feet of snow and -30 temps. So yeah, anyway it was cold yesterday. You probably noticed. It’s even colder today. Didn’t ride my bike today – sick kid saved me from that peril.

BM eventually ticked me off so much that I called bs on one of his stories. Our relationship was never the same after that. In fact, he spent most of his time trying to get me fired. I spent most my time trying to tick him off – I would make up absurd stories just to see what he would top it with…

Me – ‘I know this dude who went over Niagra Falls in a barrel’
BM – ‘That aint nuttn, one time I took a sailboat over, caught a 60 lb salmon at the bottom’

It became quite the pastime for everyone at work. Eventually he figured it out and got mad. We had an interesting discussion. It ended with me telling him where to go. We didn’t talk after that.

So yeah, it was way cold yesterday. Riding in it surely made me a better racer and a better person. I am sure that if it is 11 degrees at the first spring series race I will have an insurmountable advantage over everyone else. At least I will know which layers to wear (all 5 of them).

BM eventually did go back where he came from. I don’t know if it was because of the suggestion I gave him, or because he backed himself into a corner here. Whatever it was, I’m sure ‘It weren’t nuttn’.