That Ain't Nutt'n

I used to work with this dude, his initials were BM. No, his name wasn’t butt munch – but he did display a high degree of butt munchitude. Probably the munchiest thing about him was his habit of one-upping everyone on everything. If you had a story about catching 5 fish, BM had a story about catching 6. If you had a story about climbing a 14,000 ft mountain, he climbed 15,000 ft. If you met a hot girl he was dating miss America. He always started his stories by saying “That ain’t nutt’n”, to discount your story while building his.

You might have noticed I like to tell stories, so this guy really annoyed me.

So I tell you this because it is with much hesitance that I tell you it was butt-freaking cold riding my bike yesterday morning. The hesitance is because of BM. I am sure back in Iowa he rode his bike over the alps in two feet of snow and -30 temps. So yeah, anyway it was cold yesterday. You probably noticed. It’s even colder today. Didn’t ride my bike today – sick kid saved me from that peril.

BM eventually ticked me off so much that I called bs on one of his stories. Our relationship was never the same after that. In fact, he spent most of his time trying to get me fired. I spent most my time trying to tick him off – I would make up absurd stories just to see what he would top it with…

Me – ‘I know this dude who went over Niagra Falls in a barrel’
BM – ‘That aint nuttn, one time I took a sailboat over, caught a 60 lb salmon at the bottom’

It became quite the pastime for everyone at work. Eventually he figured it out and got mad. We had an interesting discussion. It ended with me telling him where to go. We didn’t talk after that.

So yeah, it was way cold yesterday. Riding in it surely made me a better racer and a better person. I am sure that if it is 11 degrees at the first spring series race I will have an insurmountable advantage over everyone else. At least I will know which layers to wear (all 5 of them).

BM eventually did go back where he came from. I don’t know if it was because of the suggestion I gave him, or because he backed himself into a corner here. Whatever it was, I’m sure ‘It weren’t nuttn’.

GMBG

So I went skiing yesterday for like the second time in the last 15 years. I used to go a ton (like every day), but then I got old, got married, got fat, got a job, got a kid, and then got skinny again. So anyway I started skiing again. Not much has changed. Most people still ski like someone hit them in the gut then shoved a pole up their butt. Some people still try to glue their feet together and wiggle their butt to turn. Snowboarders still can’t stop, and a lot still can’t turn.

A few things did change. The skis got shorter and fatter over time – but then so do most people. Chairlifts got faster. Some ski runs have accessories now, like rails – nothing good can come of that, I am pretty sure. The biggest change (and best) is the iPod – thank you Steve Jobs.

The skiing was pretty unremarkable – mostly just going fast then turning left and right. The most remarkable event of the day was on the way up. I was driving along through the fresh snow on the road, about milepost 7, in a thick nasty fog (inversion) when I come up on a guy on a bike. WTF? I take a good look going past – because that’s what bike riders do when they see another bike rider.

Holy crap! It’s greasy man boob guy! I saw this guy all summer long when I was doing training rides up Bogus. Dude was always riding a piece of crap bike, with panniers and other extraneous appliances. He always wore a button up shirt – unbuttoned in the front revealing his man boobs. He also had a mop of greasy looking hair, and sported an unsociable look on his face.
Here it is January and GMBG is still at it – now that is dedication.

Entering the Peculiar Zone

There is this place on my bike commute where that’s kind of like the twilight zone. Well, I guess not exactly like the twilight zone, but it is definitely the peculiar zone.

It’s this stretch of Veterans Memorial Parkway between Chinden and the Boise River. I know, it is in Garden City, which probably explains most of the peculiarity – but still.

One dark morning a few years ago I am riding on the sidewalk over the bridge and someone turns onto the sidewalk off the greenbelt on the other side – coming towards me. They have the mother of all headlights. Between squints and expletives I am thinking ‘I gotta get me one of those’! It was like a freaking car headlight – turns out it was a lot like a car headlight. It was a motorcycle. With a Garden City Cop on it. Glad I didn’t flip the bird. This place is so weird event he Garden City cops patrol it.

This is also the same spot where I saw ‘bike surfing guy’…

So last week I am riding home through the peculiar zone. Crossing the bridge and ‘bmx guy’ is coming right at me. Having been here before I realized what was happening. You see, there is this jersey barrier between the sidewalk and the actual traffic lanes. At the terminus of the jersey barriers there is this sloping, ramping, barrier thingy. It’s begging for anybody on a bike to ride up it and balance your way across the bridge – death by traffic on one side, pain and embarrassment on the other side. The sloping, ramping, barrier thingy is so inviting that I have almost been sucked into its vortex many times.

Anyhow, I see the glassy look on bmx guys face and know he is going for it. Not one to stand in the way of certain death or painful embarrassment I cross to the other side of the path to give him room. As chance would have it I didn’t see the crash.

Just after I passed I hear a crunching grinding bmx on concrete sound. When I glance back the bike is straddling the barrier and bmx guy has one leg up in the air tangled with the bike and the other leg hopping around on the ground for balance. Lucky bastard – painful embaressment.
This morning in about the same place there is a dude riding right at me. I know he isn’t lining up for the sloping, ramping, barrier thingy – because he is going the wrong way and I already passed that. Nope, this guy is going for a little early morning bike chicken. My headlight is working (I looked), I know he can see me – got to be bike chicken. Doesn’t this guy know who I am? I’m ANGRY. I’m THE ANGRY Cyclist!

Getting closer, can see a bit better now. It’s DUI guy. He isn’t moving over. There is a jersey barrier to my left, ugly Iron railing and river to the right. The path is probably 8 ft wide there, plenty of room to pass even if the dude is riding in the middle.
Rather than move right the dude moves left a little bit. Still room on either side. I’m ANGRY! I aim right at him.

Getting closer…

I put my best disinterested look on my face. Getting closer. Real close.
DUI guy moves right a bit. He’s getting nervous. I move left a bit, I’m ANGRY!

At the last second DUI guys veers right.

My super huge commuting bag brushes his super huge poofy DUI guy coat at we pass…

Another experience in the peculiar zone.

Prodigal?

So I got a call from my wife yesterday…

Wife – ‘Did the school call you?’
Me – ‘Um, no’
Wife – ‘Your son ate some glass’
Me – ‘Wow, really?’

Then there was some discussion about doctors, and hospitals, and having your guts ripped out from the inside.

It seems my son was playing a game. The game had a broken marble in it. My son decided to eat it. When he chewed it up the teacher heard the crunch…

Teacher – ‘What are you eating!’
Son – ‘A marble’
Teacher – ‘No really, what are you eating’

I know it all sounds rather disturbing, and yes, I guess it is disturbing – but at least he chewed it first right? Actually, I am kind of relieved. Lately my son has proven to be way too intelligent to be related to me – but this marble eating incident is a strong indicator that he may indeed be related to me.

Besides, my son has a tendency to say and do things just to mess with other people – just to see them get worked up. I am not sure where he gets that from.

I was thinking about taking a marble and hitting it with a hammer, then putting the pieces in a little plastic baggy with some chocolaty brown residue – and then sending it back to school with a note – ‘Here is your marble back, I apologize for the inconvenience’. You know, just to see what happens.

Twelve Clues of Commuting

Riding to work today in the fog wasn’t the best idea I have ever had.

The first clue was that it smelled like Lewiston when I opened the garage door.
The second clue was the shiny layer of ice developing on my driveway.
The third clue was my neighbor who never scrapes his windows scraping his windows.

I overcame those clues and rode anyway. But more clues came…

The fourth clue was the ice buildup making my glasses unusable in the first mile.
The fifth clue was the ice on the pedestrian button that I had to push to cross Eagle Rd.
The sixth clue was that I had to use the pedestrian crossing at the intersection to cross Eagle Rd, because I couldn’t see far enough to cross at my normal place.
The seventh clue was the de-icer truck that drove past while I was waiting for the light to change.

Well the de-icers are out, so it must be ok to ride right? After all, I had already gone almost a mile and wasn’t dead yet – what’s another 11?

The seventh clue was that I was riding faster than the cars were driving on McMillan Rd.
The eighth clue was when I missed one of my turns because I couldn’t see it in the fog.
The ninth clue was when I noticed the layer of ice on my clothing.
The tenth clue was when I noticed the thicker layer of ice on my bike.

Well hell, halfway there – can’t stop now.

The eleventh clue was when I got to the greenbelt and realized my gloves were frozen into place on my handlebars.
The twelfth clue was when I blinked too slowly and my eyelashes froze together.

Then I got about three miles from work and the fog disappeared. I knew it was a good idea to ride today!

Tour de Videos

I can’t believe it! I am a little distraught in fact. Star Wars really does suck.

You see it’s that time of year when I spend all to much time riding my bike on my trainer, parked in front of the tv watching movies. I almost always start off my Tour de Videos with the 2003 Tour de France, move on to the Lord of the Rings trilogy, throw in some Lost episodes, maybe an Austin Powers here or there…

Well this year I got the original Star Wars trilogy for my birthday, so I added it in the mix. Like most people my age I grew up loving Star Wars. I had the action figures, t-shirts, posters, underwear – you name it. I even had a group of friends that used to play Star Wars together – I was Luke, Tom was Han Solo, Greg was Chewbacca, we even had a girl to play Leia – Christie. I liked it so much that It made me sick when I found out Leia was Lukes sister – oooo, having the hots for your sister!

Anyhow, finished watching the trilogy last night. Couldn’t help to notice that, well – it sucked. Luke can’t act. Chewbacca can barely walk. Darth Vader has a huge head.C3PO is a dude in a suit.

Some things I wouldn’t have noticed if the second trilogy hadn’t come out. Like Luke is a crappy Jedi – the red headed devil guy in the new movies would have lopped off both his arms before he could even wine or be scared. If storm troopers are supposed to be clones shouldn’t they all be the same size?

Ah hell, I don’t know. At least one thing hasn’t changed – Princess Leia is still hot in her slave outfit.

Starting to Feel It...

So at the gym there is this parking spot that isn't really a parking spot. It is a place close to the building where the no-parking sign fell off the post - its clearly a no parking area. People park there every day so they don't have to walk very far to the entrance.

The entrance to the gym. Where they go to exercise. Dumb effs.

Doody Duty Deux

A month or two back I lamented on my dogs love of the fallen leaves of November. I even speculated that November was their favorite month because of their apparent glee at watching me try to navigate through the camouflaged minefield that my yard becomes when the leaves fall.

Well it’s winter now. My backyard is covered by a blanket of snow. It looks pretty, but I know it is not – I know about the nastiness that lies beneath.

You see, a few weeks ago we had a snow storm like every day for – well two weeks. The weather made doody duty almost out of the question. Even when I tried, I wasn’t very efficient because the fresh doody sinks into the snow and is quickly covered by new snow.

Well I figured it would work itself out, so I continued about my business. One day however, I noticed that when I let my dogs outside they refused to step off the shoveled patio – they just sat there with a look of disdain. So I thought ‘whatever’ stupid dogs anyway. When I found doody on the shoveled patio I got the hint though. There was such nastiness lying below that the doody makers refused to doody there anymore.

Much to my dogs relief the snow melted revealing a virtual cornucopia of doody. There was brown doody, there was black doody, there was yellow/green doody, there was doody with red plastic bits, doody with yellow plastic bits, doody with blue plastic bits, doody with green plastic bits, doody with silver and gold tinsel, doody with stuffed animal stuffing, doody with black foam, and perhaps the most disturbing was the doody with red electrical wires (I wonder where those came from). I probably don’t need to tell you that one of my dogs is a lab. If it fits in its mouth my lab will eat it, if it doesn’t fit she will chew on it till it does.

So this weekend I spent almost as much time on doody duty as I did riding my bike – that’s a lot of time. It felt good to be doody free again. Then on Sunday night is snowed, then on Monday it snowed some more, Tuesday morning – more snow. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t know what lies beneath.

Sporty Spice

So I have been going to the gym ever since I retired from bike riding in September. I have found it pretty interesting because there is a whole new group of people to stereotype. I have refrained from blogging on it to this point because it is really somewhat common and mundane – but now, now I can’t help myself.

Today was my first day at the gym in 2009. Holly crap! Apparently lots of people make resolutions to go to the gym or lose weight because there are like twice as many people there now.

Twice as many women on the ‘butt sticky outty machines’.

Twice as many guys standing in front of the vanity mirrors admiring and winking at themselves.

Twice as many people on the ‘I’d run but it hurts my joints machine’.

Twice as many people in the ‘I like to look at other people exercise classes’.

And yes, twice as many people in the ‘I’m to soft to ride a bike outside in the cold’ classes.

Not only are there twice as many people, there are famous ones too. Today in the ‘I’m too soft… class’ I saw a spice girl. So there we all were riding in the dark, spinning along, and in walks a spice girl.

It’s dark you say, how do I know it’s a spice girl?

She smelled strongly of oregano.

It’s dark you say, how do I know it’s a girl?

The only guys I know that smell like oregano aren’t exactly the gym type.

Ah yes, another brush with fame. Happy 2009!