Worlds Worst Mountain Biker

Yes, I am the worlds worst mountain biker. I went for my first mountain bike ride the other day and found out that I suck. I thought that I would be ok, but I wasn’t, I sucked. Going uphill – I sucked. Going downhill – I really sucked. On the flats – well there were no flats, but I would have sucked. On the pavement – I think I was OK.

As with most of my endeavors I started off on the wrong foot. I went out for a 40 mile road ride earlier in the day and did a bit of climbing. I figured I could get away with it because I was going on an ‘easy’ mountain bike ride later. I should have known better – no ride with Chris C. is ‘easy’ - and it was a mountain bike ride, a sport which I apparently suck at.

We started out going uphill (who knew that there were mountains in mountain biking). I thought to myself "Self, this isn't going to be 'easy'".

I was concerned about my back tire spinning out so I kept my weight back, and the front tire kept hopping off the ground – I know, I suck. So I tried to scoot forward, you can’t scoot a fat ass like mine on a hill that steep so I needed to stand and reposition my anterior end. I stood up and the front end was all mushy – I know, I suck. So I imagine there is a ‘sweet spot’ that you need to find for these situations. I further imagine that is sitting with the tip of the saddle penetrating my prostate.

So we get to the top of the hill. It wasn’t all bad there were some cool switchbacks, and gnarly steep sections that I was amazed you could ride a bike up. Anyhow, time to start going down – at least that would be easy right – nope.

I felt like Arlo Guthrie flying down the hill in the motorcycle song. I am pretty sure I hit 80 mph or more. There were rocks, and bushes, and other gnarly shit. There were turns, and jumps, and scary drop-offs. After I accepted the fact that I was going to die and just went with the flow it wasn’t so bad – but I still sucked.

I think it must be the shorts. If I would have worn baggy shorts, or at least less flashy spandex I would have been better?