Wednesdays Tool

Have you ever seen that deal on the news or in the newspaper called ‘Wednesdays Child’? Every Wednesday they profile a different kid that needs a good home. I think that’s a good idea. I need something like that on my blog. The every Wednesday part, not the kid part. The kid part is probably good too, but not for my blog.

So from now on every Wednesday I will have ‘Wednesdays Tool’, profiling something I found on the side of the road. It won’t always be a tool per say. It will definitely always be something. I just wanted to use the word tool in my blog because it is so versatile.

Here is the first Wednesdays Tool. It really is a tool, and I really did find it on the road. I call it a Kung-Fu Mancessory, but most people call it a Leatherman. It’s a pretty good find I think, except for that broken knife blade in the middle. I think the rest of the blade probably busted off inside some cyclist when the Kung-Fu guy threw it as he was driving past. I am pretty sure that everything on the side of the road was thrown at a cyclist.

Ok, gotta go find something for next week.

Liquid Fire and the Poo Paradox

One day last week I went to bed. Half hour later I had to get up and poo. Half hour later had to get up and poo again – that’s odd. Half hour later had to get up and poo again – that’s bad. Half hour later had to get up and poo again – that’s a little soft. Half hour later had to get up and poo again – downright liquidy. Half hour later had to get up and poo again – think I might be sick. Half hour later had to get up and poo again – liquid fire. Half an hour later had to get up and poo again – wish I could just puke, my butt hurts. Half an hour later had to get up and poo again – yes, yes I believe I am sick. Half hour later I had to get up and poo again – wonder if I should go to work today. Half hour later I am clenching up – don’t want to poo no more. Half an hour later I had to get up and poo – where is it all coming from? I really am full of it.

A little later I was laying in be wondering if I could make it all the way to work without pooing in my chamois. No, but maybe in my truck – if I drive fast and hit all the lights. The wife yells from downstairs that my son has a rash and a fever. Thinking that my wife is exaggerating I waddle downstairs to check it out. Nope, no exaggeration, he looks like acne kid and is burning up. Guess I am not going to work now. What a wuss. I need to TTFU.

My son got better in a day. Not me. I transitioned from pooing liquid fire to pooing liquid fire with razor blades. It kind of hurt. No worries, it only lasted like 2 and half days.

I decide to go on my race team ride on day three. I made it over three hours without pooing! Way to go sphincter! If my legs were as strong as my sphincter I would be golden (brown).

Then began the poo paradox. I think my bum-whole shrunk over the three days of liquid fire, so pooing normal didn’t feel so good. The paradox was that if I pood it hurt – If I didn’t poo it got bigger and got more plentiful so it hurt more when I did poo. You know, damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Still ain’t quite right. No, my butt ain’t either.

Passing (more) Judgement

Thrilled to see when I popped on the tv last night that the Oscars were on.

Awards shows are great. We spend all this time telling our kids not to judge people, or make fun of how they look. Then there is an awards show. We spend the entire night judging people for what they look like and spend the next two days making fun of how they dress.

The part I especially like is that the people doing most of the judging and fun poking are the last people that should be. Ugly bastards. Last time I checked a hot person dressed poorly was still hot.

Anyhow, glad I missed part of it during my fine trainer session. Tried to watch Armageddon, I saw some of it when my head wasn’t spinning, my gut wasn’t wrenching, and when sweat wasn’t filling my eyes. I love that movie. Liv Tyler – Hot. Steven Tyler – not so much. How the hell did that happen?

Maybe I should be one of those awards show dressing judging guys.

Pastie Time

Busted out the pasties for the first time this year. Oh yeah...

Blogs I Meant To Write But Didn't

Been a little random recently. Can’t maintain a train of thought long enough to finish a whole blog, so here are parts of the blogs I meant to write this week but didn’t.

Last Friday I found out someone stole my bank card number, the bastards. I don’t know what is more disturbing. The fact my bank knows enough about me to identify charges I didn’t make in seconds and cancel them, or the fact that someone tried to use my bankcard to buy $255 worth of stuff at Old Navy. Now I like Old Navy and all, but do they really have $255 worth of stuff there? They must have bought one of everything, two of some things.

Being an identity theft victim, I decided I need to consolidate my multiple online personalities. Yes, I am retiring from twitter. But I am going to continue following Lance Armstrongs twitter – it’s all kind of stalker and freakish really.

My son lost his first tooth the other day. The little black dog ate it as soon as it hit the floor. He had to write a note to the tooth fairy. I would have had a chance to grab it, but I have had the stomach flu this week and am moving slowly.

Stomach flu is ok if you don’t mind pooping fire. Every half hour. So frequently in fact that I considered taking the laptop in the bathroom, but then I decided I would have real issues. If you have ever surfed the internet from the toilet, you may have issues.

Ideally when you ride a bike you pedal circles. When you are not riding well, or are tired you tend to pedal squares. There is this chick that I see at spin classes sometimes – I think she pedal rectangles, or maybe even rhombus’s. What the hell.

Valentine's Anguish

Valentine’s Day is this weekend. Valentine’s Day is my least favorite holiday. Valentine’s Day may be my least favorite day period. Except for maybe prostate exam day. So anyway Valentine’s Day is this weekend.

Valentine’s Day is all about the gift. Good gift = good day and game over until next year. Bad gift = crappy couple of days and grief periodically till next year. Over the past several years I have come to the conclusion that the quality and success of the gift is directly related to the amount of anguish that it causes the giver. The more anguish, the more better.

Some gifts are straight forward, and just cause financial anguish. These are the easiest, but also the most expensive. Now don’t think I am talking about jewelry or flowers here, those are an entire different kind of anguish.

Flowers and Jewelry are the cause of intellectual anguish. The kind of anguish caused by purchasing something that clearly isn’t worth it’s cost. You know, like spending $80 on flowers that will die in a few days – or spending thousands on a rock. A rock that has no function other than to shine. That is intellectual anguish, the anguish you get from jewelry and flowers.

Then there is mental anguish. This is the anguish you get when you deliberately cause your own discomfort for your significant others benefit. This is the kind of anguish you get from going to a cultural event, or maybe even taking dance lessons – all to make your significant other happy. You often come up with this kind of anguish by ‘thinking out of the box’.

You can mix the anguii as well. For example, this year I am going for the financial/mental anguish combo – by going to an expensive cultural event. If someone hadn’t stolen my bank card # this morning I could have gone for the trifecta of anguish by purchasing a chaser of flowers.

Anyhow, I hope you are all experiencing some anguish tomorrow. If not, good luck to you.

A Good Day

When I rolled down the driveway this morning I knew that today had potential. There was a faint glimmer of hope on the horizon. No, it wasn’t the fact that Joe Biden is in town today – it was the fact that I could almost – almost, If I turned my head just right – see sunlight on the horizon. Spring may get here yet.

With that little nugget of joy in my heart I rode to work. The thermometer read 26 today, not too shabby – definitely getting warmer. I saw Mr Beaver frolicking in Veteran’s pond as I spun past, yup almost spring. I said ‘Nice beaver’, and kept going. I knew today was going to be good.

A little further down the greenbelt I detected the unmistakable odor of someone smoking a non-tobacco product. I knew today was going to be good. I kept riding, and kept detecting. Like a mile later I come up behind a dude on a bike, enjoying a non-tobacco cigarette. Skinny guy riding fast and smoking at the same time. Nice. I buzzed by. He didn’t want to race. I knew today was going to be good.

Feeling good now, I am almost to work. There is a deer standing by the greenbelt. It has little antlers and looks jumpy. I think he wants to race. I shift and accelerate. He jumps the gun and starts running in front of me. I shift again and accelerate. I catch him. Faster than a deer, that is pretty good – especially for 7 a.m. I hang behind and a little to his left, I think he is setting me up. I have been kicked in the head by a deer before, so know it isn’t good – and I don’t want to repeat it. I pull left as far as I can and start inching up. Just when I was going to complete the pass he jumped into the brush on the other side of the greenbelt. I knew today was going to be good.

I hopped on my bike and rode to the store at lunchtime. On my way back I am on the sidewalk about to pull into work. There is a deer running down the sidewalk the other way – running away from a car, but right towards me. I have tackled deer before, so I know this is not the way to do it. About when I am deciding to run into a car, a deer, or a fence the deer turns and jumps the fence. I knew today was going to be good…

Things I Don't Get

My wife’s grandfather passed away last week. When she travelled down for the funeral her mom called to remind her to bring the video camera. You know, to record the funeral. You never know when you might feel like watching that again.

Sometimes I just don’t get it.

Super Reflections

I am like a huge Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Not big enough to wear blue and orange t-shirts, sweatshirts, hats, boxers… Not enough to put stickers, magnets, flags, and license plate holders all over my car… not enough to buy a special blue and orange rock to put in my front yard… not enough to camp out in a blue and orange tent, and sit in my blue and orange chair, and cook on my blue and orange grill.

Yes I really like the Steelers, but not enough to do all that stuff.

So it was with great emotional investment that I watched the Super Bowl the other day. I come away from the best Super Bowl ever with a few lasting memories…

What the hell is the infatuation with Kurt Warner’s wife? Why do they have to show her every time he does something good. I mean really. They did the same thing like ten years ago, the last time his team did good. Furthermore, why does she look better now than 10 years ago – that just ain’t right. What did she look like when he threw that TD to James Harrison at the end of the first half – show me that.

Then there is the religion thing. Yes, we all know Kurt Warner is a good Christian and therefore an excellent human being and a great role model. Enough already. When the Cardinals scored to take the lead Roethlesberger put on his helmet and went to work – then the Steelers came back to take the lead what did the role model do? Swear and throw his helmet. What Would Kurt Do.

The Wonderer

Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I wonder how many times I would have to ride my bike over a section of sod before I made a trail. That’s what I wonder about sometimes.

Actually I do a little more than wonder. There is this section of sod that I ride my bike across every chance I get, trying to make a trail. I haven’t made a trail yet. Not even close. Hence, I wonder.

Normally I wouldn’t condone, much less actually take part in riding bikes across sod in an attempt to make a trail. It’s kind of a nasty habit. But sometimes I just need to be a hypocrite.

There is a park near my house. I ride through it on my commute home, it makes my ride a little safer and shorter. In the past I used to take great pains not to make a trail, but then sprinkler guy tried to get me wet. Now I must make a trail in his grass.

On my ride home several months ago, the dude saw me coming and ‘chased’ me across the park by turning sprinkler sections on and off. Bastard. Would have got me if he were smart enough to skip a section ahead. As it was the sprinklers started up too slow to get me.

That’s why I wonder sometimes.

A Weighty History

I woke up fat one day when I was in graduate school. I’m not really sure how it happened, but I think it probably had something to do with all you can eat biscuits and gravy at Hardy’s for $2. I’m not really sure how I missed out on all the stages leading up to fat, I just know that one day I woke up and was 211 lbs and only 5’9”.

So I decided to start running. The first day I ran 3 miles. My ankle hurt. The next day I ran three miles. My ankle and knee hurt. The next day I ran 3 miles. My ankle and knee and hip hurt. The next day I ran three miles. My ankle and knee and hip and back hurt. The next day I stayed in bed.

I ended up getting a job in a wilderness area, it required a lot of hiking and a lot of time away from civilization. I lost about 20-25 lbs, and transitioned from fat to just chunky. I would have lost more, but I figured out that cheese and summer sausage are edible for at least eight days in the wilderness. I also learned that some of those backpacking meals are pretty good.

I got down to chubby from chunky when I got a different job that I could ride my bike to and lost about 10 lbs.

I went from chubby to average a year or two later when my appendix ruptured. I lost about 15 lbs in a week – a personal best. I wouldn’t recommend it though. After I recovered about 6 months later, I went back to chubby.

I started bike racing several years ago and went from chubby, to average, all the way to svelt. It took a while, and there have been some ups and downs, but I have been svelt-ish for a while now.

This year I decided to train for bike racing. I think that I have transitioned from svelt, to thin. I am not really sure, but I think so.

I woke up 149 lbs on Saturday. I thought that meant I was thin, but I was wrong. My wife informed me when I got back from a ridiculously long ride that I was ‘disgustingly boney’. Wow, disgustingly boney – I have never been referred to as disgustingly boney in that context before.

I can’t lie, I am excited about being disgustingly boney – it means I am only a few lbs away from the next category, bike racer…