Christmas Tree in the Can

I have got a big can. I really thought it was huge until I started putting stuff in it. Even then it was still ok till I started putting yard debris in it, you know, like apples and tree limbs and stuff. Now I think that it may not be big enough.

I have this tree that I want to put in there, but it won’t fit. So I have to cut bits off the tree and shove as much in there as I can each week – until there is more room again. I have been doing this for several weeks now, but I am thinking I will never get it all in the can.

You see, there is this tree growing too close to my house, so I kind of need to cut it down. Actually I mostly need to cut it down because it is on the verge of interfering with my satellite reception. Rather than cutting the whole thing down and hauling it to the dump I have been cutting limbs and filling up the trash can every week.

When I was jamming limbs in my can yesterday I had an idea. Maybe someone could use my tree as a Christmas tree. It looks like this…


I could cut it off at the appropriate height from the top and have a nice-ish Christmas tree. Maybe a little wide, but still ok – especially if you have a big house.

That would be good. It would be like recycling only different. I would be saving a wild, free roaming tree by sacrificing my domestic tree. That would make me feel green as hell, and everyone knows, I am definitely green as hell. Or something like that.

Anyway, yeah, if you are interested in my tree you know where to find me.
If you are into hiking into the woods to find a tree, I could let you hike around in my front yard for a while looking at the trees – then you could walk into my back yard and pretend to choose the tree I am offering. If you like a snowy Christmas atmosphere I could get on the roof and throw crushed ice at you. You could even pretend that my dogs were wolves. If you need to harvest one, please select the little black one – I know she is smaller, but she is much more fierce so is definitely a better trophy. So yeah, we could set it up like that.

Or if you like to go to a lot and buy a tree you could walk around my yard sizing up my trees and then choose the tree that I have available. You can give me some money and I will donate it to charity. I will even match your donation. Note, in this scenario my dogs are just dogs – so no harvest.

Or if you are into doing bad things due to the thrill of possibly getting caught you could come and steal my tree. I will turn off all the lights and try to ignore any sounds you make while stealing my tree. When you get it all loaded up I will come running out of my house with some weapon and yell ‘hey, what are you kids doing’! We can negotiate about what type of weapon, and as to whether my dogs are guard dogs, wolves, or just goofy ass retrievers. Yeah, so if you are into that we could use that scenario.

Or if you want the tree, but don’t want to act goofy I guess you could just come over and get it. We could go out and look at it, then we could go in and drink some beers while we think about the suitability of the tree and how best to cut it down, then we could bust out the power tools. I will have a video camera just in case we have an Americas Funniest Videos moment and break something. I guess we could even use my truck to deliver it. Not somewhere far away though – only the treasure valley. If I have to drive too far it would be cheaper to take it to the dump.

Yup, there’s the deal. Let me know. If more than one person wants it I will have to come up with some creative way to decide the winner. I reserve that right. I am not responsible for any wildlife that may be living in there either, I should mention that. If you have a Christmas Vacation moment it is entirely on you.

If it works out well maybe we can do it again next year. Except next year the tree will probably have to be a maple, so it would look largely like a stick in December.

Or if no one wants it I will just continue sticking it in my can.