The Theory of Spandexivity

June made me re-think spandex. I got made fun of by a CODE 300 women in a bikini, and a 20-something chick on a bmx bike. People that have thighs that weigh more than me shouldn’t point and laugh as I go by. People older than 12 who ride bmx bikes shouldn’t make fun of anyone. If you are older than 12 and your primary mode of transportation is a bmx bike you might be a loser – I don’t care how much gas costs.

Anyhow, I decided that people don’t like me because of my spandex.

I have a new theory. I call it Melmer’s Theory of Spandexivity. It goes something like this…

As the tightness and brightness of your spandex increases, your social acceptance approaches zero.

I figure that spandexivity is measured on a scale of 1 to 10. One is not so tight and not so bright, 10 is obnoxiously bright, and inappropriately tight. It is a subjective measure but here are some guidelines.

1. If the color of your spandex can be described as fluorescent, bright, or God forbid neon you are automatically at spandexivity 8.
2. If your spandex has sponsors you are at least spandexivity 5.
3. If the base color of your spandex shorts is anything other than black – spandexivity 7.
4. If your spandex is so tight that passersby can see unfortunate ass features – spandexivity 11.

Keep in mind spandexivity is somewhat additive so reaching 10 (complete lack of social acceptance) is not that hard for the average bike geek. To give you an idea – those old school lost river kits (orange AND green) – 10. The old school LAC grey and green kits – 10. Current LAC kit – 7, current lost river kit – 8. Performance catalog guy kit – 3-5. Spandex under baggies – 1. Just baggies – 0.

Ultimately, the take home message is that the higher your spandexivity, the more likely you are to get hassled. Don’t believe me? Wait for the results of my spandexivity experiments…