10. My Left Ankle. I have given running a chance in the past. The first time may not have been fair though. I weighed about 210 and decided to start by running 3 miles a day. After the first day my ankle hurt. After the second day my knee AND ankle hurt. After the third day my hip AND knee AND ankle hurt. After the fourth day my back AND hip AND knee AND ankle hurt. On the fifth day I couldn’t get out of bed.
9. My Right Ankle. I actually gave running a second chance this year. I think I ran for like an entire week before I hurt something this time. I hurt a ligament in my ankle and the doctor told me no running for 12 weeks. I told him no problem.
8. My Left Knee. A few years back I had an enflamed plica in my left knee. That’s right, there was an angry little rodent living in there! – or something like that. I actually hurt it by playing Nintendo and riding my bike at the same time – long story. Anyway it is better now, but I don’t want it to come back.
7. Running Tank Tops. I am not a fan of dudes in tank tops. Especially skinny little runner dudes in tank tops. Just because you have 2% body fat and you can see every muscle in your body doesn’t mean you are buffed and should show it off. I mean really, being able to count someone’s ribs through the arm hole in their shirt is just not right. 13+ miles of that? I don’t think so.
6. My Left Hip. Everyone knows my left hip is angry. Just thought I would take the chance to share my pain one more time. If it doesn’t like riding a bike surely it would hate running.
5. No I-pods. The only thing that running had over cycling in my book is that you were aloud to listen to music while you were doing it. A little Rob Zombie, Kid, Rock, Eminem, Metallica – that will help get you going! But what? They banned it? Well I guess its back to humming Suzanne Vega – a littler Tom’s Diner for everyone!
4. ESS VAR Ski Bindings. Long, long ago right here in Boise I used to ski a lot. More accurately I used to ski all the time and do other stuff when I could fit it in. Anyhow, after a little accident at Snowbird a friend gave me some Atomic ski demos to replace a broken ski. I called them the Atomic bombs, man they sucked. I tell you this because I don’t want anyone to think I would pay for a pair of Atomics. Anyhow they had these crazy bindings ESS VAR Racing. Like any other bindings I cranked them all the way up – god forbid one should come off. I am pretty sure that those bindings were designed never to release – ever, even if they were set at 4 (much less 14). Well one time I had a ssslllloooowww twisting fall (how to tear ligaments) and the binding didn’t release. My knee hasn’t been the same since. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t do any lasting damage – my knee just hasn’t been the same since.
3. My Enormous Head. I have an enormous head. I mean it is huge. It is amazing that they make helmets that fit it. Its like the Jack in the Box guy. You can’t run with a head like that – it just flops around and might break your neck.
2. Running is a survival skill – not a sport. I think humans invented weapons so they wouldn’t have to run.
1. Running Shorts. I really shouldn’t have to explain this. But geeezzz, I know cycling clothes aren’t very attractive, but what could be worse than those running shorts with the built in undies. Split up the side to the waistband, flimsy nylon. Oh my god I am going to be sick. I have seen less revealing items in Victoria’s Secret. At least Victoria has a secret, anyone who wears those shorts certainly doesn’t. And do they really need to make them in size large or XL? Couldn’t they put an age limit on those things? I guess all the people at the start in those would be incentive to run – away – really fast.
13+ miles of that? No way. I need to go listen to some Tom’s Diner to get my mind off this.
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