Success at any Cost

I have been struggling this year to meet my cycling goals. I don’t think I have achieved one yet. The best I have finished in a Cat 3 race is 12th. I was first loser in a Master’s B race that I should have won. I even went origami during the LP 200 – completely folded.

A month or so ago I decided that I needed to make some changes in order to start meeting some goals. I had a few choices. I could cheat, I could quit, or I could change the rues. I decided to change the rules, it is the American way after all.

I developed a new system that ensures success. Introducing – Multiple Choice Goal setting. I borrowed the multiple guess system of standardized testing from the American educational system and bent it to meet my own goal setting needs.

All you need to do is set about 4 goals at a time and hope you meet at least one of them. It helps if one is ridiculously easy. Here is an example…

Melmer’s Summer Goal 2008

A. Place top 10 in a Cat 3 bike race.
B. Climb Bogus Basin in 1:05:59 or less.
C. Buy a new bike.
D. Buy my wife a new bike.
E. None of the above.

Notice each one gets easier.

This is how it works - Only tell your friends and teammates about the first one. Later when they ask if you met your goal, just tell them yes. The only one you are lying to is yourself, and who cares about that.

By the way, in case you were wondering – I already met my summer goal. That Bogus Basin is a tough climb…

The Truth About Spandex

INTRODUCTION

To test the Melmer Theory of Spandexivity I needed to measure peoples social acceptance to varying levels of spandex tightness and brightness.

METHODS

I devised a scheme (experimental design) where I would wear different types of clothes on different days. To measure social acceptance I would say ‘Good Morning’ to everyone I came across and quantify the number of responses. Here are the clothes...

I call them 'Baggies', 'Performance Guy', and 'Tight n' Bright' respectively. I compiled some data then I did some ill advised statistical tests.

RESULTS

Here is the data I collected...

Here are the ill advised statisical results...

mean1 eq: 0.308 (sd=0.462) (se=0.0646)
mean2 eq: 0.476 (sd=0.499) (se=0.0634)

difference between means:
-0.1685 (sd=0.9479) (se=0.0898)
95% CI: -0.3444
t-value of difference: -1.877; df-t: 111
probability: 0.031263 (left tail pr: 0.96874)
doublesided p-value: 0.0625

mean1 eq: 0.308 (sd=0.462) (se=0.0646)
mean2 eq: 0.556 (sd=0.497) (se=0.0749)

difference between means:
-0.2479 (sd=0.932) (se=0.0979)
95% CI: -0.4397

CONCLUSIONS

Ultimately, the results indicate that if you wear not bright spandex you are less socially acceptable than if you wear baggies - and if you wear tight n' bright spandex you are way less socially acceptable.

SUMMARY

Except for a brief period in the 80's, it is not socially acceptable to wear spandex. God forbid your spandex is tight n' bright or you will be a real social leper. No wonder professional cyclists do drugs.

The Theory of Spandexivity

June made me re-think spandex. I got made fun of by a CODE 300 women in a bikini, and a 20-something chick on a bmx bike. People that have thighs that weigh more than me shouldn’t point and laugh as I go by. People older than 12 who ride bmx bikes shouldn’t make fun of anyone. If you are older than 12 and your primary mode of transportation is a bmx bike you might be a loser – I don’t care how much gas costs.

Anyhow, I decided that people don’t like me because of my spandex.

I have a new theory. I call it Melmer’s Theory of Spandexivity. It goes something like this…

As the tightness and brightness of your spandex increases, your social acceptance approaches zero.

I figure that spandexivity is measured on a scale of 1 to 10. One is not so tight and not so bright, 10 is obnoxiously bright, and inappropriately tight. It is a subjective measure but here are some guidelines.

1. If the color of your spandex can be described as fluorescent, bright, or God forbid neon you are automatically at spandexivity 8.
2. If your spandex has sponsors you are at least spandexivity 5.
3. If the base color of your spandex shorts is anything other than black – spandexivity 7.
4. If your spandex is so tight that passersby can see unfortunate ass features – spandexivity 11.

Keep in mind spandexivity is somewhat additive so reaching 10 (complete lack of social acceptance) is not that hard for the average bike geek. To give you an idea – those old school lost river kits (orange AND green) – 10. The old school LAC grey and green kits – 10. Current LAC kit – 7, current lost river kit – 8. Performance catalog guy kit – 3-5. Spandex under baggies – 1. Just baggies – 0.

Ultimately, the take home message is that the higher your spandexivity, the more likely you are to get hassled. Don’t believe me? Wait for the results of my spandexivity experiments…

The Tour de Pants

We all have them. Or at least I think we do. Well, maybe it’s just me.

I have a closet. The closet is full of pants. A lot of pants. A khaki rainbow of pants. Probably over 20 pairs of pants. I wear about 5 or 6 of them. Over and over again until they break. The rest live in the closet.

In order to make my closet a better place I decided that I needed to get rid of a few pairs of pants. To decide which pants to get rid of I decided to start at one side of the closet and wear a different pair of pants every day until I wore them all – at which point I would throw out the pants I liked least.

Believe it or not I have already done this a few times in the last year. I used to have about 30 pairs of pants…

So this is the 3rd ever Tour de Pants. One pair each day (stage) for twenty or so days – work days that is. I don’t wear pants on days I don’t go to work?

Its Tour de Pants time everybody!

It's Not Unusual...

I rode my bike about 5 hours over the weekend and didn't see anything unusual. That is, unless you consider a teenager riding an electric bmx bike while wearing rollerblades unusual. I learned two things. First, electric bikes don't go uphill very well. Second, it is hard to pedal while wearing rollerblades.

Yup nothing unusual at all...

Roadside Lost and Found: Episode 3, The Angry Little Man

Another day, another roadside treasure. Today I found an angry little man. I actually saw him first a few days ago, but didn’t pick him up till today.

I thought to myself – ‘Self, how did this angry little man get here – and why did he stay here so long’. Deep down we all know the truth, it goes something like this…

In the back seat of the family truckster –

Billy – Oooh look, another one of those tight and bright cycling guys, what can I throw at him? Ahhh, Angry Little Man!

Angry Little Man – Yes my Liege! (Bastogne-Liege)

Billy – I must throw you out the window at the offensive spandex guy. I want you to split his skull with your mighty battle axe.

Angry Little Man – I will relish it Master Billy.

Billy hucks Angry Little Man –

Billy – Yes! I hit that bike freak!

Angry Little Man – AHHHHHHHHHHH, smack!

Mom – Billy, did you just throw Angry Little Man at that loser biker?!?! He cost $ 0.50!

Billy – But mom, it was so tight and bright!

Meanwhile on the road –

Angry Little Man - Dooouuugghghhh, my mighty battle axe failed against his mighty helm.

Angry Little Man – Billy, Billy, Where are you! If only I could move, I would go find him.

Or something like that. Don’t be angry little man.

Roadside Lost and Found: Episode 2, Fredi the Tree Guy

Riding home yesterday and saw something shiny and blue on the road. OK, I’ll bite. Slow down, go back and pick this up…





Ummm, OK. Fredi? Pink Hardhat? Wow! ‘All 4 you contracting’. I am speachless.

It would be one thing if it were Freddy, and the hat were some color other than pink, but to use an ‘I’, and pink. Nuts man.

So it is one of those business card magnets. I took it to work today – we had a pool about whether it was real or a joke. Someone called Fredi. He is real. His hardhat is pink. He asked for his business card back.

Um no, I don’t think I am ready to meet Fredi.