The Ghost in the Darkness II

So I was going to write about my weekend bike races today. How bad I sucked at the TT on Saturday. How I think that bike seat might have broke my taint. And how windy it was. Then I was going to talk about Sunday and how somehow I found myself with the leaders after riding through the dirt the first time. How I whined like a 6 year old girl when someone pushed me off my line in the dirt. How Bret Nichols is a bad ass. A bad ass with a crooked stem. By stem I mean leg. About I can’t imagine how fast he would be if his left leg wasn’t always turning left. About how I should pay more attention to bike racing and less attention to peculiarities when I am bike racing. Then I was going to talk about how Derek Brown, a lost river guy and I chased. Then chased some more. And then chased a little more. And then I was going to say how riding through the dirt section once sucked, but twice was significantly below average. Then I was going to say how fun it all was!

Yeah, I was going to write about that but then I saw someone sent me this. Probably the best news story I have ever seen. Who cares about bike racing when house cats are eating people. Its like The Lions of Tsavo, except with a house cat instead of lions, and a trailer in Rexburg instead of tents on the savannah. Other than that it is pretty much exactly the same.



REXBURG, Idaho - A Rexburg woman says one of her cats recently attacked her and tried to kill her, sending her and her husband to the hospital.

The Ostermiller family says their cat was completely normal until three days after it gave birth to kittens. But it soon became defensive, and the family says it tried to kill them.

It began last week on Tuesday at about 5:30 a.m. The Ostermillers were sleeping when they heard a sound.
"All I heard was rrwwwrrrr hisss," Jackie Ostermiller said.

Jackie woke up and saw her cat, Renesmee, (named after the Twilight character) panicking. Jackie thinks a male cat had wandered by outside the home and Renesmee was protecting her kittens.

Jackie went to grab her cat to stop her from bolting out a hole in the screen door. That's when the kitty made its move.

"I was being mauled literally for the kill. She had got a hold of my nose first, my face first, my arms - I was literally screaming," she said.

Jackie's husband, Blaine, was able to pry the attacking feline off.

"I woke up hearing my wife scream, I didn't know what was going on until I looked over there, until I looked over there seeing (the cat) viciously attacking her," Blaine said.

But the cat had already made its mark. Jackie was left with 35 bite marks and 15 bruises.

The cat wasn't through. When Jackie was washing blood off her face, it came back and started attacking her leg a second time.

"She came at me with the deadliest eyes," Jackie said.

"I noticed she was looking at my wife with a weird look," Blaine said.

But even after this whole ordeal, the Ostermiller family hasn't turned their back on cats. They even plan on getting a new kitten soon. But they do have a word of caution.

"I want people to know how dangerous cats can be, they can turn on you in a dime. Believe it or not - cats!" she said.

Jackie feels that none of this would have happened either, if they had just spayed their cat. The family ended up giving up Renesmee to the Rexburg shelter.

It's likely that it will be put down.

Don’t miss the video here…

ninja cat

No really, watch the tv news story. Its safe.

So the cat was ok until it had babies, then saw a male cat… um, no comment.

And then everyone is in bed. Looks like in the same bed. With the cat. You know, because everyone shares a bed with their kids and cats. A bed with a sweet Sugar-Salem Diggers bedspread. Well, maybe that wasn’t on there during the attack, they probably just put that on there to impress the reporter. Like, ‘honey, why don’t you get out the diggers blanket – this will be on tv you know’. Yeah, something like that.

Ok, got is so far.

I liked the part about the cat sounds, I backed up and watched it like 3 times. Rawrrrrrrhisss (insert angry hands here) – that is classic. I wonder if I can get that as a ringtone. Then there was the part about ‘being mauled, literally for the kill’. Like, as opposed to being mauled figuratively for the kill.

I bet if she had it to do over again she would let the cat go through the cat door, err, hole in the screen door to her trailer. You know, the one that leads to the fully custom pressboard back patio.

I’m thinking if my house cat just kicked my ass I wouldn’t call the tv news to publicize it. That couldn’t lead to anything good. Some a-hole on the internet might make fun of you.

I guess at least this proves my theory that cats are evil. They would eat you if they could figure out how to kill you. I mean literally kill you.

Bad kitty, bad bad kitty.

Wasn’t that better than bike racing?

Car Pool Anyone?

A friend sent me this picture today.



If Commuter Ride had a logo like that I would be much more likely to join. Beats the hell out of riding with Hitler for sure.

Yeah, if they had that logo not only could they reduce traffic congestion, they could get perverts off the street at the same time.

Is it just me, or does his license plate say DO 42. I mean, I think it does, and probably it doesn’t mean anything – that is unless you want it to. I mean, it could mean – nah, nevermind.

I guess at least it doesn’t say chicvan.

Biblical Coyotes

I was looking at my training log the other day and I think I discovered the source of my bicycle racing problems – no training! Huh, go figure. I also noticed that I have only bike commuted 3 days all year. Holy crap! Nearly 4 months gone and only 3 days! Wow, that’s a lot of riding with Hitler.

So I guess the good news is that 2 of them were in the last week. Two of the bike to works, not the rides with Hitler, there have been a bunch of those.

I had forgotten how entertaining the bike commute could be. I mean last Friday I saw a giant hole in the ground that used to be a pond, gb racer guy, some dude in a speedo, and a plywood coyote.

Yeah, no shit, a guy in a speedo. There I was riding along and minding my own business, you know, enjoying the sun when I catch a white flash out of the corner of my eye. So like a monkey, I see a flash and I have to look. Over on the other side of the river in the volley ball pit there are some dudes playing a little volley ball – the shiny one is the Michelin man in a speed-o.

Nice. Well actually not so nice. Holy Jesus dude, what are you thinking? I mean wtf? One, it’s not even that warm, two, if you are stay-puffed you shouldn’t rock a speed-o, and three, as if there needs to be a three, my eyes still hurt from your pastiness.

Oh the horror.

Speaking of religion, a little while later I saw this when I was riding past the Boise Bible College…



That’s right, a biblical plywood coyote. I am pretty sure that he is looking back over his shoulder for his partner – because, you know, biblical animals travel in pairs. I know because I read the Bible.

Well, actually, that’s not true. I didn’t quite read the bible. See my Dad is a Mormon and my mom is a Catholic. That makes me a heathen. I know, you thought I was going to say Mormoholic didn’t you. Well I may be that too.

So anyhow, yeah, I was largely raised without religion. I did try to read the Bible once though. I got bored during the begot part and quit. Don’t get me wrong, I like begetting as much as the next guy – quite a lot actually. If begetting was on facebook I would be a fan err, I mean ‘like’ it.

A guy can only take so much begetting though, and that first part of the Bible was just too much for me.

OK, so I didn’t read all of the bible, but I did hear somewhere that there is this part in there about animals going two by two, and something about a big boat.
Or maybe that was the ant song.

Nevertheless. Chalk up another plywood coyote.

Racing to Assisted Living

I suppose I should say that I had another bike race this weekend. Yup, the dreaded Chicken Dinner Road Race.

Chicken Dinner is a road name by the way. There was no Kentucky Fried involved. If there were Kentucky Fried I would have stopped after I got dropped on the first lap, and , you know, ate some. But alas there was no chicken at chicken dinner. I don’t really know what happened in the race because I popped when someone accelerated as they pulled through (again) in a small chase group I was in after the hilly section.

I do know that some other dropped guys rode with racers from other categories – you know, like the race official told us not to before the race. A bit aggravating, but it has come to my attention that “if you aren’t cheating you aren’t trying” – so its ok. It may make me a moron, but I think I will just continue not trying.

The best part of the race was when Steve Parker and I sprinted it out for like last place. I would have been faster if I weren’t laughing – watch out next time bro. Wait a minute. Maybe the best part was Jesse Kroll rocking a pink mohawk – hell I don’t know.

Anyway, enough of that crap. I saw this the other day…



I know you can’t really read the window stickers, so you will have to trust me. It says…


Trinity Assisted Living
Where your family becomes a part of ours.

Wow, nothing says assisted living like an F350. A jacked up F350. And nothing says Trinity like a diamond plate tool box. Exactly what kind of assisted living are we talking about here – because I’m not gonna lie- there have been a few times when I could have used an F350, you know, too assist my living.

I guess I could call the number. The cell phone number. Nothing implies a comfort and stability like an assisted living home with a no land line?

Yeah, then I look at the plate…



Oh, for sure. That’s right – it’s a chick truck. Nothing pulls chicks like assisted living stickers. Not to mention that nothing pulls assisted livers like chick truck license plates. I couldn’t help but notice there was no chick in the truck. Just a dude who was wearing his hat sideways half the time I was behind him. It’s always good to turn care of your family over to a dude in a sideways baseball cap.

I may keep this place in mind, you know, just in case the in-laws tick me off. Where your family becomes a part of ours indeed!

Losing Battles

I took my son skiing for the last time last Friday. I mean for the last time this year, not the last time ever. Well, maybe not ever. I mean, I may need to rethink that.

I have been very careful about teaching my son to ski. I picked all the days when I knew that the weather and snow would be the most conducive to him enjoying the sport. You know, I don’t want to take my six year old out in a blizzard at 6 below and tell him he is having a good time. I figure that he needs to figure out that you can have fun in a blizzard at 6 below by himself.

I only take him as long as he wants to go, don’t force him to ski places he doesn’t want to, and make sure that we spend plenty of time in the lodge eating French fries. So yeah, I have gone through all this effort to make sure he likes it – and it has been working, he really likes skiing.

Well Friday the light really went on. He really loves skiing now. I wish I could say that it was something I said or did, but it wasn’t – it was something someone else said.

So there we are, skiing along. My son passes me. I think, that’s ok - he knows what he is doing.

Yup, he knows what he’s doing alright – he’s heading right towards some snowboarder doing the praying snowboarder thing. You know, the thing where they sit on their knees in the middle of the run and look back up the hill? Knuckle draggers.

So my son is closing on the kid. I’m thinking ‘this won’t end well’. The snowboarder is probably thinking about really starting to pray. At the last second my son turns hard right to avoid the kid.

I’m like ‘Whoa!’ Because, you know, it was a nice turn. I didn’t know he could do that!

The snowboarder was like ‘Whoa!!’ more in a 'holy shit that kid is going to hit me' kind of way.

Well my son hears ‘whoa!!’ in a 'that kid totally rocks' kind of way.

I knew I had my hands full as my son continued ripping down the hill laughing.

Yeah, so he spent the rest of the day pretty much using people as slalom poles. He didn’t hit anyone. Ran over some skis, but no people.

Every time we are going up the chair I explain to him how he needs to turn more and give people more space, he says ‘yeah ok dad’ and then disregards it.

I don’t want to be mean about it, because, you know, he is having a great time – but this is a safety issue right? I mean, I don’t know if I am covered by that disclaimer on the back of the pass. So one time up the chair I am a little more serious…

Me - ‘Little dude, you really need to slow down, turn more, and give the other skiers more space – I’m getting a bit ticked off’

Little Dude – ‘Dad, we need to join the battle for childrens rights’

Me – ‘Uh, that means you’re not going to turn doesn’t it.’

Little Dude – ‘Yeah dad, I’m not turning’

Right. That went well. Out-foxed by the six year old again. I am not smarter than a first grader. I shouldn’t let him read so much.

Later at home I am telling his mom about what he said…

Me – ‘Yeah, he said we need to join the battle for childrens rights’

Wife – ‘Um, he said what?’
Little Dude (disembodied voice from the other room) – ‘Yeah, I’m not letting my fear control me any more!’

Great. A six year old without fear and the battle for childrens rights behind him.

Something Funny Going On

So I had a bike race on Saturday. I gotta say, it was significantly below average. Not the race itself mind you, just my performance in it. It is somewhat traumatic for me so I will make it short.

I started out the race with a long pull but when I got to the dead bird realized we were in about the same boat Jake Turner got bored and attacked then a while later Alex Phipps bridged I took some digs and tried to bridge but couldn’t because I suck then we caught the breakaway and it got harder then we turned on Swan Falls road and got strung out then I got dropped and lost my will somewhere out there after that I just hoped for a train at the train crossing so the pack would have to stop and I could catch up but there wasn’t a train so I kept riding by myself then some other guys caught me led by the broken spoke guy who needs some bibs whose name I think is Sean Donovan anyway that was good until they went faster or I went slower and got dropped by them too then I got passed by the masters a guys getting dragged along by Richard Feldman and then I finished like 7 minutes behind the winners in my category that wasn’t so good I would say oh well better luck next time but the next race is really tough looking on paper so I am a little worried.

Right, so that’s that. What I really need to talk about is this…



I saw it the paper last week and have been sitting on it since. I am pretty sure there is something funny about it, but I haven’t been able to pinpoint it.

Maybe it was the part about her saying her boyfriend peer pressured into it.

Or the part where she says she only got $25 out of it.

Or the part where it says her boyfriends other teenage girlfriend was the getaway driver. That is pretty funny. I mean, if you want to rob a bank couldn't you find someone a little better to drive the getaway car than a teenage girl? Seriously, they can hardly avoid crashing as it is. Not to mention the 2 girlfriend thing.

I also like the part about the other bandit being 40 years old. If you are a teenager and are hanging out with 40 year olds - nothing good can come of it. And if you are 40 and hanging out with teenagers - you might be a loser. Or a felon. Probably both.

So yeah, that stuff was pretty funny - but also pretty sad. Sad because everything the f-bomb bandit said was probably true.

I think the headline has a Disney ring to it. Like the Apple Dumpling Gang, only for the 2000's. Maybe she could recruit the kid who is trying to ban swearing as a sidekick. That would be worth two Disney tv movies right there.

Anyway...

Lord Love a Duck

You may have been waiting for an April fools punch line to my duck posts last week but never saw it. That’s because its true. I am being stalked by a duck.

When I got home Friday I thought I was free and clear – no duck to be seen or heard. I went about my business and was in my garage putting a new chain on my bike when I heard…

Qqqquuuuaaaaaaaaaccccccckkkkkk.

It was all stretched out and jumping around a lot.

The old chain, not the quack. The quack was all stretched out too, but it was more low and constant than jumping around. It was kind of a ghostly quack.

So halfway through putting the new chain on, and I hear the duck calling me out. So I go out.

Its all greasy, but really clean. The new chain, not the duck. Well, maybe the duck too. I don’t know I didn’t catch him. That stuff they put on new bike chains rocks. If I were rich I would just replace my chain when it started squeaking.

So when I get to the sidewalk I look around and there he is a few houses down.

Qqqquuuuaaaaaaaaaccccccckkkkkk.

He sees me and starts walking towards me. I snapped a picture then yelled “It’s coming right at me!” Because, you know, then you can whack it in self defense and not get it trouble. I learned that watching South Park.



I know he is hard to see. That is because he is moving so fast.

So yeah, I yelled “It’s coming right at me”, then ran inside to get a gun. Because I’m not one of those guys who packs heat all the time.

When I got inside I realized the fact that I had time to run inside, find a gun, then run back outside may negate the “It’s coming right at me!” defense so I just locked the door instead and hid in a dark closet.

Actually that’s not true. I finished putting my new chain on.

It’s greasy smooth and fast. Yeah, the duck, and the chain.
Actually the chain not so much as the duck. I had a race on Saturday, I will tell you about that some other day.

You know what else is all greasy and gummed up?

You got it, this thing called a capacitor on my furnace. That’s what my dad told me when he got back from Vegas. I’m not sure what a capacitor does, but, you know, I saw Back to the Future – so I know it has something to do with time travel. Apparently my house is heated by time travel. Who new?

Anyhow, for a while there I had to heat my house with the gas fireplace. It worked ok, but it smelled really bad. Bad like cooking plastic or something.

I haven’t used the thing for a few years. It turns out that my son has been using it for the past few years. To store stuff. He slips stuff through the louvers and it sits there on top of the fireplace insert – you know, the metal plate right above the flames.

So that’s how I cooked the Jesus music on Easter. My son apparently put the bible music cd that the in-laws got him in the slot, and then, well then I cooked it. On Easter. Can you go to hell for that?



Is hell supposed to be capitalized? I think maybe so, because it’s a proper name right? Or maybe an improper name?

Never mind.

Talking About the Weather is Lame, But...

I love the first few days of spring. The sun comes out, the temperature hits 60, and things start turning green…

After that though it pretty much sucks ass. The wind blows. It rains. It snows but doesn’t stick. The wind blows some more. The sun comes out, but you can’t see it because you are squinting in the wind. It snows on April 1st. You know, just to be a bitch.

There is some good bike racing on tv, but there is some bad bike racing in person. There is some nice fresh powder on the mountain – laying on top of rutted and grooved ice. Its too cold to be warm, but too warm to be cold. The wind blows. The dog poop stinks when you clean it up. The geese act like they own the joint, and the ducks, well the ducks stalk my ass.

Actually, that’s not true. I haven’t seen the duck today. Little bastard.

Speaking of poop, my furnace crapped out the other day. Nice. I call my dad because he has mad hvac skills. My dad is in Vegas. What the hell? How lame am I? My parents are partying in Vegas for spring break, and there I am staring at my furnace. I don’t even have any beer in the fridge.

So I disregard all the warning stickers and start taking panels off. The blower seems to be blowing, but I detect a distinct lack of flames. Now I am know hvac guy, but I know that, well, you need some flames to get some heat from your gas furnace. Yeah, that’s my problem – no freaking flames.

So I start looking for things to light. Ironically there is a decided lack of things to light in the furnace. So I go to plan B – the one I learned from Microsoft. Reboot. I pushed all the buttons and switched all the switches I could find. It must have worked because I have a fire now. Look at me, I’m mechanically inclined as hell.

I saw a smart car for sale the other day. The window sticker said it got like 30 miles per gallon. WTF? The damn thing is the size of a lawn mower and it still won’t meet the proposed new fuel efficiency standards. It must just be dense.

I just wanted to say that. That stuff about the Smart car. Didn’t seem so smart.

My calendar says it's Good Friday today. Happy Good Friday, everybody.

It also says Bjarne Riis birthday is tomorrow. Doping schmuck. Happy Bjarne Riis birthday tomorrow everybody.

One Angry Duck

Wife just called. He is in the driveway and won't move. Seriously.

Should have made a coyote yesterday.

Moving In.

He was in front of my house in the street this morning. The duck that is.

I wonder if they will read these posts in a haunting and foreshadowing kind of way when they do the 20/20 special on the man killed by an angry duck...