Miscellaneous Asshattery

A while back I was talking to a friend who told me that he had decided to dress like a bike commuter when he was, you know, commuting - and dress like a bike racer when he was racing or training. Now its hard to argue with that logic, so I decided I would give it a try too.

Back in like 1995 when my parents found out that I was wearing spandex and shaving my legs they bought me a pair of baggie bike shorts. I think they were hoping I didn’t turn into a spandex clad biker fag. It must have been too late, because I have worn the shorts almost exactly once in the last fifteen years.

Well, until last week that is – when I decided to dress like a bike commuter. So yeah, the shorts have these cutesy little spandex mesh shorts inside the baggy outside shorts. I find them disturbingly similar to those running shorts with the built in underwear. Those are the worst item of clothing ever invented. Those or tube tops.

So yeah, I had thing major psychological barrier to get over from the start. I don’t want to be built-in underwear running shorts guy – that’s just wrong.
Eventually I did get the shorts on and rode to work. I was a little disturbed the entire time because the outer shorts kind of rode up my leg a little bit and exposed the meshy undershorts, and my pasty ass leg below. It was like squishing cottage cheese through a fish net. Not attractive.



I assure you that my leg looks decidedly fatter and cottage cheesier in real life, but you get the idea.

I’m not sure how this dressing like a commuter is going to work out.

Speaking of disturbing, I am sure you all saw the story about the 74 year old lady dumping mayonnaise in the book drop at one of the local libraries. You know, like the open jar of mayonnaise. It is suspected that the mayonnaise is just chaser for some other choice items that she dumped in there – corn syrup, honey, miscellaneous fluids. One of my friends thinks she is a school lunch lady, but I am pretty sure she is the bus driver from South Park.



Angrysaurus rex.

My favorite part is that she is packing heat on the passenger seat in her car – probably so she can bust a cap in the librarian if they catch her in the act. The man is everywhere you know.

The cops haven’t released a motive, but most people assume she has library fines or something. Not me, I think she is pissed because the library is distributing literature that is inconsistent with her moral and religious beliefs. I am almost positive she is the one who scratched all the potty words out of my copy of Catcher in the Rye.

Yep, we share the streets with this lady – and apparently the library too.

Asshat.

In regard to sharing the streets, local rumor has it that someone is spreading goatheads on Hill Rd in Boise. A rash of flat tires caused by a ridiculous number of goatheads (which, by the way don’t really start goatheading till August) has been reported by many.

Holy crap! The fact that someone wants to inflect suffering on cyclists on Hill Road doesn’t really surprise me, but I am having a hard time grasping that someone must have actually collected all of these goatheads in the first place. Hours toiling in the dusty, pokey vines to harvest your sinister little crop of evil goatheads – who who who haa haa haa who who who haa haa haa haa! That was an evil laugh by the way - try it out loud. No, really - try it out loud. Ok.

Tacks would have been easier.

And I thought the weather was making me crazy. This poor bastard has been sitting on his harvest since last fall, patiently waiting for the weather to warm up to bring out his prey.

Asshat.