Dr. Evil

A few years ago I went to my Optometrist and explained to him how when I was reading a book and then looked up at something else further away it would take a second for my eyes to refocus. He looked at me, laughed, and said 'it's only going to get worse'.

That was very reassuring for a guy who was pretty sure he was going blind. Turns out I was just getting old. Come to think of it, I'm not sure there is really a difference.

The next year I went to the optometrist and explained to him how I had spots in my vision - like little dark blotches that followed my eyes around. I was pretty sure I had a brain tumor or something. He laughed at me and told me to get used to it - I would probably only get more. Turns out floaters don't kill you, unless you get annoyed to death.

The next year when I went to the optometrist he dilated my eyes. I thought I was pretty much ok until I about passed out I my way out of the office. It seems that it happens sometimes to wimps like me. One of my friends suggested that I haven't done enough recreational drugs to get myself used to having pupils the size of pancakes.

So you may be able to understand why I was a little bit apprehensive about going back to the optometrist today.

I told him about how I about passed out last year. He gave me that look that you get from people when they know that you know that they got you by the balls. Yeah, that one. Perhaps in honor of my acknowledgment he decided not to turn my pupils into flying saucers today.

Nope, no flying saucer eyeballs today - but I did get the brain scramble. I get that pretty much every time. He makes me look at letters and lights and puffs of air until my head is just about to explode - then he stops.

I am pretty sure that he could make my head explode if he wanted to. Yeah, just the right combination of lights and letters and puffs then pop goes my head. I think they learn that in optometry 101. Head popping.

I only got 364 days to worry about next year.