Lord Love a Duck

You may have been waiting for an April fools punch line to my duck posts last week but never saw it. That’s because its true. I am being stalked by a duck.

When I got home Friday I thought I was free and clear – no duck to be seen or heard. I went about my business and was in my garage putting a new chain on my bike when I heard…

Qqqquuuuaaaaaaaaaccccccckkkkkk.

It was all stretched out and jumping around a lot.

The old chain, not the quack. The quack was all stretched out too, but it was more low and constant than jumping around. It was kind of a ghostly quack.

So halfway through putting the new chain on, and I hear the duck calling me out. So I go out.

Its all greasy, but really clean. The new chain, not the duck. Well, maybe the duck too. I don’t know I didn’t catch him. That stuff they put on new bike chains rocks. If I were rich I would just replace my chain when it started squeaking.

So when I get to the sidewalk I look around and there he is a few houses down.

Qqqquuuuaaaaaaaaaccccccckkkkkk.

He sees me and starts walking towards me. I snapped a picture then yelled “It’s coming right at me!” Because, you know, then you can whack it in self defense and not get it trouble. I learned that watching South Park.



I know he is hard to see. That is because he is moving so fast.

So yeah, I yelled “It’s coming right at me”, then ran inside to get a gun. Because I’m not one of those guys who packs heat all the time.

When I got inside I realized the fact that I had time to run inside, find a gun, then run back outside may negate the “It’s coming right at me!” defense so I just locked the door instead and hid in a dark closet.

Actually that’s not true. I finished putting my new chain on.

It’s greasy smooth and fast. Yeah, the duck, and the chain.
Actually the chain not so much as the duck. I had a race on Saturday, I will tell you about that some other day.

You know what else is all greasy and gummed up?

You got it, this thing called a capacitor on my furnace. That’s what my dad told me when he got back from Vegas. I’m not sure what a capacitor does, but, you know, I saw Back to the Future – so I know it has something to do with time travel. Apparently my house is heated by time travel. Who new?

Anyhow, for a while there I had to heat my house with the gas fireplace. It worked ok, but it smelled really bad. Bad like cooking plastic or something.

I haven’t used the thing for a few years. It turns out that my son has been using it for the past few years. To store stuff. He slips stuff through the louvers and it sits there on top of the fireplace insert – you know, the metal plate right above the flames.

So that’s how I cooked the Jesus music on Easter. My son apparently put the bible music cd that the in-laws got him in the slot, and then, well then I cooked it. On Easter. Can you go to hell for that?



Is hell supposed to be capitalized? I think maybe so, because it’s a proper name right? Or maybe an improper name?

Never mind.