It Makes Me Feel Better

I saw this deal on the internets yesterday that was like a flow chart of all the different kind of facebook profile pictures. I got all excited because I thought it was going to provide some analysis of what your profile pic says about you – but I was a little disappointed. I mean, there was a little about that, and it was pretty good, but a little brief.



And a little wrong. I mean all that stuff about what pictures with only a portion of your face mean was complete bull crap. If you have a facebook pic that only shows part of your face it means one of two things. Either you are lazy or technologically inept. Really, you are either too lazy to move the picture around to show your mug, or you are too stupid to know how to do it.

A few things I would like to add...

If your profile picture has friends in it, your identity has an unhealthy connection to those of your friends. Especially if your friends look very similar to you.

If your profile picture has extended family in it your identity has an unhealthy connection to your family. I mean family is good, its even ok to look like them, but its ok to step away.

If your profile picture has one of your kids in it you lost your identity somewhere along the line – you should change your profile name to ‘so-and-so’s dad’. If your profile pic only has your kid and not you – well you are hiding behind your kid. That’s unhealthy. You should just change your profile name to your kids and give up.

If you are a guy and your profile pic is primarily your wife or gf you are probably bragging. You know, like ‘yeah, I hit that’. That is probably unhealthy.

If you are a girl and your profile pic is primarily your husband or bf your identity has an unhealthy connection to your significant other. Either that, or you are bragging. You know, like ‘yeah, I hit that’.

If your pic has you and a famous person in it you have an unhealthy fascination with famous people. That’s not good for your identity. If your pic just has a famous person and no you, well, that’s even worse. You got issues.

If your pic is from a perspective below you and looking up you have an unhealthy inferiority complex and having a fb pic like that is the only way you can make yourself feel better about yourself.

If your pic is from above looking down at you, your identity is unhealthily tied to your cleavage and you are probably a junior high girl. And like the other article said, you may be a slut.

If your pic is of you in some sporting equipment your identity has an unhealthy connection to your hobbies and you should spend more time with your family.

If your pic is of you at work, well, you should change it. Unhealthy connection to work. The most unhealthy connection of all.

If your profile pic is some sort of landscape you want people to think you are deep and contemplative. But you probably aren’t.

If your profile pic is of you and a dead animal you harvested – you should just change it to one of your face that is taken from a lower perspective. See above.

If your profile picture is someone other than you, you are paranoid. Or in jail. Or will be in jail. Jail is unhealthy.

I could go on, but you probably get the picture. If you have a fb profile pic you are probably unhealthy. If you have a fb account without a profile pic you have the stock fb phallic symbol assigned to your profile. This probably means you are too smart to get involved in fb, but you are afraid to be left behind by your friends (virtual or otherwise). This is unhealthy.

Yeah, so fb is unhealthy.

I have to go update my status.

I Was Lost, But Now I'm Found

Sorry, I have been lost in Portland for the last 2 months.

Not literally mind you, I haven’t been in Portland for 2 months, it’s just that the last time I remember my brain working was when I was in Portland.

Maybe I lost it when I was lost. That’s the thing about Oregon – they do a good job of placing signs to get you places, but not such a good job getting you out of places.

Yeah, I went to the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry. It was very sciency and industrious. When I left I got lost. I was in the middle of hundreds of blocks that looked like Boise’s north end. There were little Hyde Parks everywhere.

All the people there were busy trying to be eclectic. And wearing knit hats. I think that the more people there are trying to be eclectic the harder it becomes – pretty soon everyone is eclectic, then no one is eclectic because eclectic becomes the norm. I think that is where Portland is.

Anyway, I don’t know. I am not very eclectic, but I was a girl scout once.

Right, so everyone was wearing knit hats and riding bicycles. Which was cool. I mean the bike part. Knit hats are good too, but I think helmets go better with bicycles. And knit hats don’t really go with helmets – I have seen it done and it isn’t pretty.

Portland reminded me of a ‘Wheres Waldo?’ book. Not sure why, it just did.
I think I may go back some day. Some day when I have a little bit more time to be lost. I will take a knit hat and some spoke cards.

What Do Your Lungs Smell Like?

You know what I hate? I hate it when I role up to a stop light on my bike, and the someone in the car next to me has their cigarette hanging out the window. Yeah, hanging out of the window on a lazy gay limp wrist.

Because, you know,they don't want their car to smell like ass.

I don't get it. I mean I do get not wanting your car to smell like ass. The part I don't get is thinking that having a car that smells like ass is worse than having lungs and breath that smells like ass.

It's like - oh no, can't have any of that crap in my new car - then they sneak it in for a quick second to suck the ass smell into their lungs. I mean whats up with that?

OK, just had to get that off my chest. I feel better now.

Happy Sunday.

My Summer Vacation: Part II

Right, so after the highly relaxing fire alarm on Friday night we rocked all the touristy stuff over the weekend.

At the Newport harbor they have a variety of touristy things highlighted by the quadrilla of the Ripleys Believe it or Not Museum, the wax museum, the questionable aquarium, and the butterfly house thing.

If you haven’t ever been to a Ripleys Believe it or Not Museum it usually starts with a itty bitty shrunken head and goes downhill from there. The only thing that you can’t believe is that you just paid real money to see that stuff. Yup, everything in there is significantly more believable than the stuff you can read on some fb pages I know of.

There are a several aquariums of variable quality in and around Newport, but the first one we went to first was the one right on the main drag in the old harbor. It looks roughly like someone sunk a boat and filled it with ocean crap. It is basically a big circular tank filled with all those ocean things that are hard to kill. You know, because all the stuff that wasn’t hard to kill is already dead. It’s the ocean equivalent of the gold fish in your fish tank at home – you know, the gold fish that are the only things left alive after all the fancy fish die. So yeah, we went there.

We also went to the wax museum. It pretty much sucked ass. There was exactly one realistic looking wax dude. Unfortunately it was wax Johnny Depp. Not the 21 Jump Street era Johnny Depp. More like the Edward Scissor Hands era Johnny Depp. Or maybe the Captain Jack Sparrow era Johnny Depp. I gotta say, it was pretty creepy. The only thing that could have made it creepier is if it were the real Johnny Depp.

I think the final part of the quadrilla was the highlight. Yup, at the Butterfly House thingy they didn’t have all the hang-ups that normally go along with that kind of place. That’s right, you can touch the bugs – err insects.

I enjoyed looking at the sea lions in the harbor. Well, that is until a guy strolled up alongside me and started spouting about how many of them there are now compared to the old days – and how they are eating all the fish. I rolled my eyes and walked away instead.

The Oregon Coast Aquarium was pretty good. They lost me when I saw the turkey vulture exhibit though. I mean seriously, who puts a turkey vulture exhibit at an aquarium? Think, it’s not exactly a marine animal is it? Besides, I really don’t like exhibits about things that are readily observable outside of said exhibits. I saw a handful of them gnawing on a road killed deer the very next day for Christ’s sake! Ugh.

I am pretty sure, by the way, that Oregon is the road kill capital of the world just based on variety. Did you know they have opossums there? Yeah, go figure. Either that or big white rat things.

We also did the beach thing. Flying a kite, playing in the surf, looking for shells, just hanging out, getting sun burned in 60 degrees and overcast. Ultimately though, no matter what you call it – being at the beach is just jamming sand into your cracks and orifices. But yeah, anyway, we did a bunch of that.

I didn’t really see any exciting bike stuff there, besides the fact they had bike lanes. At least I think they were bike lanes, I don’t see many of them here. Oh yeah, and they had a sign that flashed when there was a bike on the bridge over the harbor – I’m not really sure if it was a warning sign or some type of redneck beacon.

I did go to Portland though. The bicycling capital of the world from what I hear. Kind of strange that the bicycling capital of the world is located within the road kill capital of the world. Yeah, I’ll save that story for part three.

My Summer Vacation: Part 1.

So there I was, almost asleep, when I hear someone running down the hallway of the hotel yelling ‘Fire! Fire! Fire!’ I’m laying there thinking, Seriously? There can’t seriously be someone running down the hall yelling fire at 11 p.m.

It had been a long day already. The family and I took a little roadie from Boise to the Oregon coast. Its not really that far, but liberal Oregon has this conservative speed limit, and they strictly enforce it – especially for out of staters. Ugh. Its one thing to have a speed limit 10 mph lower than the surrounding states, but it’s a whole other thing to actually enforce it. I mean really, in Idaho the speed limit is 75 on the interstate. You have to go 85 before a cop even notices you. More like almost 90 to actually get pulled over. Oregon has a speed limit of 65 and you have to go about 68 before you get pulled over and get a ticket.

So yeah, anyway I was a little tense when we rolled into Newport. It made me want to run around yelling Fire! Fire! Fire! So when I heard the person running up and down the hall yelling I thought I knew why – just releasing tension right? I was pretty sure I was going to have to kill them anyway.

So while I was laying there contemplating all that, the person makes the return trip running and yelling FIRE! I’m thinking ‘wow, that person is really wound up!’

The third trip down the hall the person actually knocked on all the doors and said something about evacuating and not using the elevators. I thought that was a nice touch – I mean, I wouldn’t have thought of that. Impressed as I was, I was just as pissed off – because you know, I was almost asleep – just right there, I could taste it. Alas, to have it yanked away by some joker.

It was about then that the fire alarm went off. While I was pretty sure I could sleep through the person yelling if I tried hard enough, I was equally sure that I couldn’t sleep through the fire alarm.

I was also starting to think they meant it.

So the wife and I get out of bed. Running outside in my underwear would be unsavory so I threw on some clothes. I grab my computer in one arm and my still sleeping son in the other. You know, God save the internet. I’m wondering how long the hotel wireless will work while the hotel is burning down.

Anyhow my wife grabs some stuff and we head out with all the confused people. Everyone rushes to safety right outside the hotel door.

If you haven’t been to the Oregon coast it is kind of cold and breezy. Especially when your fly is unzipped. Nice, I didn’t burn up but I did show my bits to everyone.

Right, well we go sit in the car. There are two fire trucks with dudes putting on their oxygen tanks and grabbing equipment. Then the third truck pulled up. And then the ladder truck. Until that point I was pretty sure the hotel would not burn down because that only happens on tv. But the ladder truck – that’s serious shit right?

I was glad I left the camera in the car – I was going to get some great footage.
The dude in the car next to us whipped out his laptop and was testing to see how long the wireless would work.

After a while all the firemen came out all dejected like and started putting their gear away. They let everyone go back in.

Excellent way to start off a relaxing vacation…

Best Place to Live?

Damn. The Statesman’s website reads a bit like Boing Boing today…



Man arrested after attacking pop machine with a hatchet? It’s better than you think – dude thought he heard voices inside. I wonder if he tried quarters first or if he went straight for the hatchet. Good to know Boise has it’s share of meth addicts.

You know, in case I ever find myself stuck inside a coke machine.

Then there is the one where the Boise man stole the women’s panties. I gotta admit, I didn’t read this one. I am assuming that she was not in them at the time.

Creepy. Maybe he heard voices inside.

How about the one with the guy who bit his roommates nose off? Yup, don’t see that every day. I was really surprised to see that it was Samwise Gamgee.



I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, didn’t somebody get a digit bit off in that movie?
Nineteen year old falls off table rock, blah, blah, blah.

And then, 3 out of 5 Idaho high school students have not had sex despite trying desperately. Future isn’t looking so bright.

Also note the unfortunate news that another cyclist has been killed by a motor vehicle. Nothing good happens when you ride in the middle of the road at midnight with no lights.

Too bad the story about Boise being voted the best place in the west to live by Outside Magazine isn’t up anymore. That would have been the icing on the cake.

It's a Trap

Now I’m no trapper survivalist guy, but I know a dead fall trap when I see one.



Actually, this is the first one I have ever seen. You know, other than the ones I tried to build when I was a kid to, um, ‘catch’ the neighborhood animals.

Don’t worry. I never really ‘caught’ any of them.

Yeah well, I am pretty sure they are using this one to get cyclists behind Ben’s Crow Inn. Ride fast and you should be ok. I suppose Parks and Recs would fix the dead fall trap, but they are too busy tearing up the gb in Boise.

I was rocking to work on the gb the other day and I see this little sign, it says ‘gb closed ahead’ – but it was all folded up on the side of the path so I thought surely it didn’t mean it. Then a little further there was another sign, it said ‘gb closed’ – but all the yellow tape and cones were in a pile over on the side so I thought surely that doesn’t mean closed for me. Then the path turned to dirt. It was kind of packed so I used my mad road bike on dirt skills to ride Roubaix section.

Well I rode the Roubaix section till I came around the corner and saw angry contractor guy with his heavy equipment. Me being the angry cyclist I was not intimidated by angry contractor guy, but I am intimidated by heavy equipment so I abandoned the gb and did the Tour de Parkinglots the rest of the way to work. The whole thing was a bit asshatish of me.

Anyhow, speaking of signs I saw this guy the other day…



Worst. Job. In. The. World.

Not only could you be replaced by a stick at any given time, you have to dress like banana.

But I guess times are bad so the banana should just be happy to have a job. I wasn’t aware just how bad it is until I saw a begger down town holding up an imaginary sign – yup, sitting on the corner holding up his hands as if there were a sign in it.

I would have taken a picture, but I was too busy dodging Jaialdi revelers. I think jaialdi may be Basque for ‘walk in traffic like an arrogant prick and just assume all the cars will stop for you’. That appeared to be what it meant to a lot of people downtown anyway.