The Man Filter

A guy at work told me that my ‘man filter’ is broken. I think I disagree. See, saying it is broken implies that it worked (or worked better) at some point, which, in my case is not true.

A man filter is something between your brain and your mouth that prevents you from saying what you really think. Like when a girl asks if these pants make her but look big, or when your boss asks your opinion of some of their work. Your man filter prevents you from saying stuff like ‘no, not big – HUGE is more like it’ or ‘I can’t believe you did this, it fundamentally sucks’.

Some guys man filters are like those kitchen sieves – really fine meshed wires that only let the smoothest of smooth through. Guys with filters like that are politicians and Casanovas or political Casanovas. Most guys filters are like those little fishing nets that fly fisherman use – they catch most stuff, but little things get through. Others are like a volleyball net, or a soccer goal – that’s the stinky guy with greasy hair and no friends. My man filter is like one of those big salmon fishing nets – just the right size to catch the monster salmon, but often struggles to contain the simple hatchery rainbow trout.

Man filters can break too. Like when you are riding your bike and someone in a car almost kills you that f-bomb and bird might break right through the mesh. You can patch up the break, but it is never quite the same again. That’s why when you get older your man filter gets weaker – with the cumulative effect of previous breaks and all the crap backed up behind it. That’s why old dudes say so much stuff that a younger guy wouldn’t. At some point an old guy could have a complete blowout and let out all the penned up angry thoughts accumulated over the years – look out for that! I guess that is better than choking on the accumulated angry thoughts and keeling over.

I won’t have to worry about that.

So what about women filters? Whew, the man filter caught that one (sometimes the man filter catches things that shouldn’t be typed too).