What Good Luck, What Bad Luck

I usually tell people that my favorite book of all time is Great Expectations, but that isn’t exactly true. It is actually second. My real favorite book of all time is a kids book called ‘What Good Luck, What Bad Luck’. I like it because it tells you pretty much everything you need to know about life at a first grade level.

You should read it. I still have my copy, but you cannot borrow it. Well, maybe if you come over to my house and read it – but you can’t take it with you.

Anyway, on one page something good happens in this kids life, then on the next page something bad happens, then on the next page something good happens, then on the next page something bad happens, then on the next page something good happens, then on the next page something bad happens, then on the next page something good happens – get it?

So here is an example.

What good luck! Mike went on a Christmas vacation!
What bad luck! He went to visit relatives.
What good luck! People in Colorado couldn’t care less about BSU football!
What bad luck! Mike left his bike in Idaho.
What good luck! Mike’s in-laws got a new HD tv!
What bad luck! They use it to watch The View.
What good guck! It snowed a foot and there was a white Christmas!
What bad luck! Mike has to run for exercise.
What good luck! Running in a foot of snow is actually kind of fun!

You get the idea. Everything you need to know is in the book, and my vacation was, well, average I guess.

The highlight was Christmas dinner. No not the food. It was when someone offered my 6 year old son some cheesy broccoli casserole and he replies with ‘That’s like giving a madman a loaded gun and a pile of crack!’

That’s Pulitzer stuff there, that is.

I don’t know where he gets it.

As good as that was, it was know where near as entertaining as my wife’s 80 year old grandma almost falling over laughing. And that wasn’t as good as the look on my mother-in-laws face (I didn’t know eyes could pop out like that in real life). And that wasn’t as good as my father-in-law spraying food out his mouth. Yeah, good times.

I would have to say that the low light was getting on the return flight sitting behind people all bedecked in new BSU gear. Ugh. But that wasn’t quite as bad as when I noticed on the flight safety card that our plane was built in Brazil. Seriously? Brazil? Um, they make airplanes there? Ooo—kay. But that wasn’t quite as bad as when the airline maintenance guy came on board before takeoff carrying nothing but a roll of duct tape. And that wasn’t quite as bad when I saw him using the roll of duct tape as a hammer to fix something in the back of the plane. That was below average.

So yeah. Everything I needed to know about life was in that book – ‘What Good Luck, What Bad Luck’.

Happy New Year everybody.

Day 3 and Counting...

Here I am going all Ivan Kilchoe from the in-laws house in Ft. Collins.

Ft. Collins, home of the world famous Screaming Peach Waxing Studio. Actually I made the part about world famous up - but there is a Screaming Peach Waxing Studio. I just thought you should know that.

Anyhow, yeah, here I am. Yea me!

I flew out here with my 142 best friends. No I didn't count, but I did figure. It was easy because I was in row 22 on the plane and there was only one row behind me. Plus the 3 angry flight attendants and the 2 drunk pilots - that makes 142 besides me.

It was an almost disappointingly uneventful flight. Except for the Montanans in front of me. Well I mean, I think they were from Montana. They were wearing sheep skin coats - you know, the leather ones with the bits of sheep squeezing out from all the seems. Plus they were pretty manly, all three of them - including the two women. Yup. Montana. I am pretty sure.

I could have asked once when I made eye contact with one of them, but I was too busy giving her the stink eye for leaning her seat back. Manly women need more room in the airline seat apparently. Apparently they are also susceptible to the stink eye, because she put the seat back up.

Good times.

Did you know in Colorado Santa has a skullet? And baby Jesus has a head full of blond hair?


Just thought you should know.

OK, gotta go. Klink is coming...

How My Dog Ate Christmas

I’m not sure why, maybe I was feeling guilty, but a while back I decided to go back and read all of the books I was supposed to read in high school, but, well, you know, didn’t.

I kicked off my little reading fest with Lord of the Flies because it has a cool title. Being lord of anything is pretty much bad ass in my book. So yeah, I read Lord of the Flies. I know it is supposed to be an allegory with symbolism and all but I don’t know if I am buying it. I think that the lesson is that everyone is a wanker. I mean, deep down everyone is a wanker. When things get stressful wankerishness comes out, and some people are better at suppressing their wankerishness. And oh yeah, if you aren’t a little bit of a wanker you might get taken advantage of (sorry ‘bout that piggy).

Maybe it’s better I didn’t read it in high school – I’m not sure how my English teacher would have taken that.

Speaking of wankers, then I read The Catcher in the Rye. For some reason I thought there would be a guy with a scythe chasing kids through a field of grain. I was a little bit disappointed. I think there was a field of grain mentioned, but no scythe. It was about a teenage boy being a teenage boy – you know, mental. Largely overrated because of the potty words sprinkled through it.

Don’t worry, I wasn’t corrupted by the potty words. Some good citizen went through and crossed out all the potty words in the book that I checked out from the library. Shit, that was close.

Speaking of potty words, I don’t have much good to say about Les Miserables. I just finished that one a month or so ago. I am not a fan of abridging books, but if there was ever a book that needed to be abridged it is this one. Holy crap! In the story the main character saves a dude by escaping a battle through the sewer system of Paris – that’s like a page worth of plot right? Wrong. There are 50 pages describing the history of the Paris sewers. That’s a lot of poo.

So yeah, anyway, that one is about an ex-convict who becomes so nauseatingly good that the cop who spends the entire book chasing him has to kill himself. Nice story. Horrible book.

Now I am reading To Kill a Mockingbird. There are some gems in that book. And a Jem too. Maybe I will write about it the next time I am out of things to say.

I’m cultured as hell now. You may recall I gave my wife season tickets to the Musical Theatre of Idaho for Valentines Day. That must have been a good gift because it has caused me pain for nearly 11 months. It wasn’t too bad considering that my wife and I were the only ones in the audience that weren’t related to one of the actors. And that all the actors are the same for every musical. And that the lead characters always have the same name last name as the person who runs the theatre.

The highlight for me was when the actor that reminds me of Ross the intern from Leno played the beast in Beauty and the Beast. Yup, the big gay beast.

Speaking of well rounded, my dog (byd) has a well rounded diet. After eating my sons homework a few months ago she ate Christmas yesterday. Turns out eating Christmas sounds crunchy, you know like chewing on a Christmas ornament. Or twelve. When do you eat Christmas? 2:30 a.m. or so, when you feel like a snack. Waking up to crunchy sounds is below average.


Say it ain’t so, not Santa!

I was worried my son would be traumatized when he saw it. When he saw it, he dryly told me I should have hung the nice ornaments higher on the tree like he did.
Thanks for that bud.

I Think I Am Going To Be Sick

One of my friends at work told me yesterday that he never gets sick. I didn’t point out to him that he had missed several days of work the previous week because, well, he was sick. Or at least that was his story.

The reason I bring it up is that I am planning on getting sick next week. I am flying to Colorado next Monday – yea inlaws! Three hours of re-circulated air with my 150 best friends in an oversized soda can. It will be so great.

So I decided that I would get my swine flu vaccine. I heard that it isn’t really a vaccine, that they are really just implanting microchips so the government can track us. After some careful consideration I decide to take the chance. I mean all the really good stuff about me they could just read about on my blog or facebook page, and if they really wanted to know anything else about me they could just buy it from google.

Right, the government is tracking your ever so interesting life. They could learn everything they wanted to know about you from the bumper stickers on your car. I mean, if you have a car.

Anyhow, so I go to the vaccine clinic. Wait in a bit of a line. This teenage girl behind me has tuberculosis or something. Lung butter abounds. I am thinking the trip may be counter productive – swine flu no, tuberculosis yes. I am not too pleased with the experience so far, but then I see this guy (the one in the middle of the pic)…


Whoa, there is a small mammal on his head! Holly crap! I’m no expert, but I think it’s a badger. Or at least it was a badger. Damn, that’s rich. Looks like Davey Crocket. Daavveeyyy, Daavveeeyyy Crocket, king of the wild frontier. Seriously, look…


As I get closer though it becomes evident that it isn’t a badger. It’s the dudes hair. I wish I had hair. It looks like Billy Ray Cyrus or Simon Le Bon. Actually I am pretty sure it was Simon Le Bon. So yeah, not a badger, just big hair. Not a mammalian tail, just mulletude.


Nice. How can you not love that.

So I get implanted. It didn’t really hurt. Its amazing how small they make microchips these days.

They make me go to the holding pen for 15 minutes, you know, in case my body rejects the chip or something. I select a seat as far away from everyone else as I can. It’s not that I am anti-social, I just don’t like people.

It was all good until tuberculosis girl and her mother come and sit near me. It’s not enough that she has tb, but she is crying as well. Seriously? Crying for a flu shot? I mean waiting in line was more painful. OMG! Besides, Simon Le Bon is there - you should be happy.

Unreal. Crying about a flu shot. I don't think her mother could believe it either. To top it of mother and daughter are sporting their pajama pants. I think there are like two, maybe three people that can pull off pajama pants in public without looking like a lazy slob - well without people noticing that they look like a lazy slob. Anyway, these two were not among that group.

The trainer calls...

Of Rocks and Trainer Time

Do you ever feel like a rock.? A rock in a river and the water running by is time and the sediment and other stuff in the water are the events in your life and that they contact you for just a moment and that even though only in contact for a moment they take a small piece of you away with them so that eventually there will be nothing left of you but a collection of events downstream in time and that the rocks around you are your friends and family that you try to stay close to but sometimes the other rocks get picked up for someones special collection and you don’t see them again and other times the water rises and there is a big flurry of events and when the water comes back down again some of your friends and family have been washed a little ways away so they aren’t as close as they used to be or maybe it is you that got washed away and other times the water goes down slowing down time and you are able to stick your head out of the water and look around with clarity for a little while but then the water goes back up? Do you ever feel like that?

Yeah, me either.

That’s what happens when you ride the trainer in your garage and your garage tv is not digital. And your DVD player is broken. You think about rocks.

Also, I am not a big fan of talking about the weather because it is what it is. Nevertheless (notice I didn’t use but), yesterday was the first time ever that I thought maybe I should have worn tights while I was riding my trainer. It was the first time I have worn gloves while riding my trainer.

More Lickers...

So I just stumbled across this...



'Facebook forms board to lick molesters'

Not just one licker, a whole board of lickers.

Um, I know they are trying to improve their service but this seems like a bad idea. Maybe even illegal. Definitely catering to the wrong group.

Fortunes

I love fortune cookies. I love the way they taste, I love the fortunes inside, and I even kind of like it when some dumb ass says 'in bed' after you read your fortune out loud.

We went out to Chinese the other day. My son got this fortune...



Do something unusual tomorrow. (in bed).

Oh god. Just what my son needs, a little encouragement. He couldn't get 'Hard work brings success tomorrow' or something like that. Nope. Do something unusual. Outstanding.

That's why I was a little disturbed when I saw that the fire department had to rescue a kid because his tongue was stuck to a pole. When I saw that I pulled out my cellie to see if they had called. Seriously, I did.

It wasn't him, but I am still holding my breath. At least it didn't say 'pick up a ho' or something like that.