I'm All Blocked Up

I gotta say, I am all blocked up. Just nothing is getting out.

Yup, all blocked up. Intellectually blocked up, that is. There ain’t nothing getting out of this brain any time soon.

You see, it is time for me to renew my cell phone contract and get a new phone. A new phone is good, I just can’t decide what kind I need. I should say want, I don’t know what kind I want. I know what kind I need, one that makes phone calls – unfortunately I am pretty sure that is the only kind of phone I don’t want.

Part of me wants a smart phone, like a blackberry or something. I know a guy that has one and he does all kinds of cool stuff with it. If I had one I could do cool stuff with it too, but I probably wouldn’t. But I could if I wanted to.

So yeah, I could get one of those but then I would have to pay for data service and that is expensive. Besides, I already surf the internet too much. Most importantly though, they are HUGE. Pull my jersey over my butt and into my back wheel HUGE. That’s the last thing I need, a huge phone bump’n around over my huge ass when I ride my bike. But then, I could do some cool stuff.

So I might want a smaller phone. A phone that wouldn’t weight down a cycling jersey and pull it into my back wheel. But then I couldn’t do some cool stuff. Not that I would do cool stuff if I could do cool stuff, but it would be cool to know that I could do cool stuff if I wanted or needed to do cool stuff.

Also it would be nice if I could show other people that I could do cool stuff if I wanted to do cool stuff, but I am so cool I am above doing cool stuff. You know, I could go to Starbucks and hangout with the other Prius driving, fixed gear riding, north end living, organic food eating, phone that can do cool stuff owning hipsters.

Honestly, I don’t really even need a phone so much as I need a camera. A camera with a phone attached incase I need a phone. I wonder if they have one of those? But on the other hand, I really would like to be a hipster, and a smart phone would be cheaper than a hybrid or living in the north end. I could probably get a fixed gear for less than a phone though.

So you can see, I am all blocked up with intellectual indecision.

Gargamel's Revenge

I got a catalog from Cabela’s the other day. They are the ‘Worlds Foremost Outfitter’ you know.
I don’t really know what that means, but there it is.

So always needing to be outfitted, I sat down to see what the foremost could do for me. I didn’t get far in before I came across this picture…

WTF?

What exactly is going on here? A guy in his underwear, holding a gun. Not just any gun, a blue gun. Boy, I tell you - that makes me want to buy some underwear – and a blue gun.

So I guess the guy heard a noise, woke up, and went outside to check it out – with his blue gun.
Maybe he didn’t just wakeup though, it looks like he had time to put Brill Cream in his hair (A Little Dab’ll Do Ya) – but he hasn’t had time to shave yet.

Or maybe that is just how the dude dresses when he goes hunting. Look at his steely eyes, he looks braced for a day of intense and challenging hunting. Hunting Smurfs. What else would you hunt with a blue gun.

I can see it is engraved on the stock – ‘Gargamel’s Revenge’. No, not really – I made that up.
Nevertheless, it is clearly a Smurf hunting gun. Stained blue with the blood of countless Smurfs. How else would you make a gun blue?

So maybe you hunt Smurfs in your underwear (and socks). It is quieter, and Lord knows, you must be quiet to catch a Smurf. Yup, that’s what is going on.

One more thing. Note the underwear bottoms are ‘drawers’. Not bottoms. Not pants. Drawers. I’m not sure what distinguishes drawers from pants, but I am guessing it is important when it comes to hunting Smurfs.

Cabela’s is indeed foremost – whatever that means.

Sucking Ass

Have you ever noticed the little wave that people on motorcycles give each other when they pass? You know, where they drop their left hand down and a little over as if to say 'hey brother'. Or have you experience when you are riding you bicycle and another cyclist gives you the reverse head nod in recognition in your mutual coolness? It doesn't really matter what you are riding, because you have in common is more important than your differences?

Hopefully you know what I am talking aobut or have experienced it. Now you probably aren't going to believe this, but people in cars used to do the same thing around here. Yup, when you passed there was a little wave, or lifting the fingers off the wheel a bit in acknowledgement. Acknowledgement that we are more the same than we are different.

Really, thats how it was when I was 14 years old and started driving in 1986. Back when hair was big, and polo shirts were layered with the collars turned up. Not that I would know any thing about that.

We don't do that anymore. Acknowledge each other, I mean - some people still wear multiple polo shirts with the collars turned up. Not that I would know anything about that.

Somewhere along the line people started sucking ass. They became more interested in their differences than their similarities, and started mocking each other rather than acknowledging. I'm not really sure when people start sucking ass. I mean, individually people are still pretty much ok (except maybe Bill Sali), but all together they kind of suck ass. So maybe I should be asking how many people it takes to start sucking ass, rather than when did people start sucking ass.

I think it is somewhere around 100,000 - and that people around here started collectively sucking ass in the early 1990's. You could say that is when we reached ass sucking threshold.

Much About Nothing

I really got nothing today.

There were some people on my ride home rocking down the gb with two way radios and headsets. I’m not sure if it was stupid, or smart – I mean at least they weren’t riding side by side mindlessly chatting, but it did look kind of dorky. Whatever.

A saw a lady jogging in a tube top. I am pretty sure that is a bad idea. I mean, I’m no expert but I did have man boobs once – and I definitely would not have jogged in a tube top.

While I was contemplating the tube top thing I got attacked by a pterodactyl. At least I think it was a pterodactyl, and I think it was attacking me because it made that sound a pterodactyl makes in the movies before it eats dudes. It was either that, or a gbh scared by one of the drunken morons on the river. Either way, I think I need a new chamois.

I did find a cd on the way home, and was a bit disillusioned when I listened to it, but I think I will save that for later.

One last thing. I know you all are anxious about how the race for the salmon is going. Well, while Alberto Contador was making everyone his bitch today, Frenchman Maxime Bouet snuck into 69th, but is closely pursued by Frenchman Geoffroy Lequarte. Don’t discount Garmin though, Zabriskie and Millar made moves today and are 71st and 72nd. Good times.

Idaho State Championship Criterium

I am the Jason Alexander of bike racing.

You know Jason Alexander, the angry little bald man from Seinfeld. The largely irrelevant one. Yeah, in bike racing that’s me. Actually, that’s probably me not in bike racing too, except I think I may be skinnier. Maybe.

Anyhow, I was racing in the Idaho State Championship Crits this weekend. In the Master’s B race I attacked a few laps in hoping someone would go with me and we could have a nice little breakaway. No one came with me. I gave it a few laps to see if someone would try to bridge over, but no one did. That was about the time I figured out I was irrelevant. Ugh, how embarrassing is it when you attack and no one cares. So I sat up. I didn’t want to be solo breakaway guy, I know I should have, I just didn’t want to.

The rest of the crit was largely uneventful after that. Uneventful except for the Dobiacco guy that tried to kill us all once by swerving across the road. And then trying to kill me individually a few times by not holding his line in the chicane. And then trying to kill me again later by swerving across the road on the front stretch when I was right next to him. I am sure he thought they were all deft bike handling maneuvers, but I think they were more daft than anything.

Yeah, I guess that was eventful. There was the part where I involuntarily spewed potty words too. Sorry about that. Actually, no, no I am not.

No harm, no foul I guess. Other than that there were a ton of left turns and some zig zags to the right. A couple dudes from out of state took off in a break and we never got organized to pull them back. My team mate Mark Bockenstette took the sprint for the state championship. That was good, he deserves it.

For some reason I raced in the cat 3 race after that. About 10 minutes in however, I reached left turn capacity. Yup, couldn’t turn left anymore – plumb outta left turns. So I turned right. Right off the course and called it a day.

Last night on tv I saw a made for tv movie ‘Meteor’. Jason Alexander was in it. If you are an actor and find yourself in a made for tv movie you know you are irrelevant. If you are in a made for tv movie and they kill you off in the first hour (like they did to Jason Alexander), not only are you irrelevant – you are probably washed up too.

I am the Jason Alexander of bike racing.

Conspiracy at Le Tour?

I got some new deodorant yesterday. I am using it today, and I gotta tell you – I smell good. Yup, that sport scent wafting from under my arms is just the right amount smelly goodness. I am really enjoying it today too – I should say, that is, I was enjoying it until one of my co-workers rolled in a while ago. She smells a little strongly herself. Maybe more than a little. I hate that. When it comes to smelling good, there can be too much of a good thing. Some people throw a lot of smelly stuff on trying to smell ‘intoxicating’. There is a fine line between intoxicating and nauseating, and someone here just crossed it.

So Wednesdays tool is either my sweet new pit stick, or stinky people – you pick. I should mention I did pick up some real tools this week – a box end wrench, and a 9mm socket. Metric! Score! Oh yeah, I also picked up six cents. Cha-ching.

But who really cares about that. I want to talk about the Tour de France. Dave Zabriskie (famous inventor of DZ Nuts) tweeted the other day that he was in 69th place. I saw that and thought to myself ‘self, they should really have a jersey for that’. I mean they have the yellow for the leader, polka-dot for the ‘best climber’, the green jersey for the ‘best sprinter’, and even the laterne rouge recognition for the last placed rider – so why not the salmon colored jersey for the 69th placed rider.

If you think about it, the salmon colored jersey would be the hardest to win. All you have to do to win the yellow is beat everybody. The polka-dot or green, just score more points than everybody. The latern rouge, just lose to everybody. But the salmon jersey, that one you would have to worry about getting attacked from both ends, so to speak. The guy in 68th could attack you by trying to lose some time, at the same time the guy in 70th could try to finish ahead of you a bit. If they coordinated their attacks it would be nearly impossible to win 69th.

Doing a little research into it, I think there may even be a little 69th race going on right now and we don’t even know it. I think that Garmin is after it. Since Z’s post he has faltered into 68th, but fret not his teammate Ryder Hesjedal maneuvered into 69th and today did some work to consolidate his position – losing 30 seconds with a well timed wheel overlap and crash. When I saw it today I thought it was just a momentary lapse in concentration, but now I am pretty sure that he did it on purpose.

Reviewing the standings I also find that David Millar is in good position going into the mountains in 65th place, well within his abilities to grasp 69th. Yes, I am pretty sure that it is a Garmin conspiracy. Looking back, I find the Millar came oh so close last year finishing 68th – loosing in the end to Joost Posthuma. Don’t feel too bad for David, because he locked it up in 2007 – yup 69th baby!

Sandy Casar won it in 2006, and in fact it seems that there is a lot of French interest in 69, there are always some Frenchman lurking in the past results. Thomas Voekler always seems near 69. I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised.

I for one am anxious to see how this one turns out. Screw Lance and Berto – the real race will be playing out way behind them. The race for salmon.

Chicken Butt

You know what is mildly irritating? Chip seal. Chip seal is mildly irritating.

At least I thought it is mildly irritating.

I saw on the news that in the City of Eagle they are using smaller size gravel in their chip seal because cyclists like it. I guess I knew that (that I prefer smaller kibble) – because the Ada County Highway District told me so a few years ago when they chip sealed Hill Road.

Turns out, I also prefer the chip seal to plain old asphalt because when it rains less water flies up off the road and onto my butt. They told me that too.

I do prefer not to have a wet butt. They are right about that. I’m not sure however, if I prefer to be pelted by little rocks 330 days a year or have a wet butt 30 days a year? I’m sure they will tell me soon.

Eagle used smaller kibble because they wanted everyone to know that they are bike friendly. Uh-huh. Did you know that Eagle is the only town in Idaho where I have actually been pulled over by a cop while riding my bike? I guess I deserved it, but that’s beside the point. Eagle is also the only place I ever raced on a criterium course where the city refused to completely close traffic. Not to mention that Eagle doesn’t have bike lanes on their main street through town.

They do have parallel parking, there is that.

To be fair, I have only been hit by one car while riding in Eagle and I never actually came off my bike.

Speaking of Eagle I saw bike safety guy there on Sunday.

Odds of being hit from behind? About nill. You would think anyway.

Odds of being pissed at me? Pretty good. He saw me taking pictures of him in one of his many rearview mirrors.