The Bikes of Walmart

You will never, ever, find me riding on something called the Thruster. Even if it is fixed.

That whole bike messenger thing? Yeah, officially not cool anymore. Move on to roller blades hipster.

Umm, yeah.

Just going through old e-mails looking for something and stumbled accross this...



Note, when parking the wheeler on the family truckster make sure to lower the tire pressure first.

Open Letter to the Groper

Dear Random Groping Lady,

I must say that when you reached out of the car you were riding in and made groping gestures in my direction that I was a bit flummoxed. I mean, no one has ever indicated a desire to grab my bum before while I was riding my bike. Seriously, how do you react to that? Should I be pissed? Should I be flattered? Was I confused?

By Default I normally deploy a finger when someone in a car gestures at me, but I didn’t want to, in case, you know, I was misinterpreting the gesture. Perhaps you were really excited by the little starbursts on my new Lactic Acid Cycling Club bib shorts and were rocking jazz fingers? I know I do jazz fingers every time I see them. They are pretty snazy. In fact I am doing jazz fingers right now thinking about them.



So yeah, if you were doing jazz fingers try it with your palm out next time - not with the palm up. And try not to leer when you do it.

Anyhow, I have consulted with my wife and family on the subject (of groping gestures, not jazz fingers) and come to the conclusion that it is in my best interest to be offended by your gesture.

How dare you make such a inappropriate and obscene gesture towards me! How rude! Don't you know when you grope at my outer shell that you discount my true inner beauty? Oh, I feel like such a piece of meat! A ribeye.

That should do it.

Right, umm, you would be disappointed anyway. I would say that my trunk ain't what it once was, but that would imply that it was once something better - which may not actually be the case. Yeah the old caboose feels something like a twinky actually.

That sounds pretty good I know, but you have to keep in mind that this twinky is nearly 40 years old. That creme filling dried out somewhere along the line and got kind of hard and stringy. Yeah, soft on the outside and kind of hard and stringy on the inside. Like a jerky flavored twinky. Sometimes things might look better than they are...

Were you drunk?

Well thanks for noticing me. I always feel better when people in cars see me as opposed to don't see me.

Have a nice day.

The Angry Cyclist

Kenny Killed Facebook

This kid named Kenny killed facebook for me in 1981. He used to go around from person to person at my elementary school and ask in a nasally voice "Will you be my fffrrriiieeennndd?" It was kind of creepy. In fact, Kenny was kind of creepy. Not the kind of kid you wanted to be friends with. Actually, I have goose bumps right now thinking about it.

Right, so now, when I look at the facebook 'add friend' button I hear Kenny's weasely voice saying "Will you be my fffrrriiieeennnddd?" and I'm like 'hell no dude, you can't be my friend'. And then I just can't pull the trigger. I don't want to be that guy you know?

Not that I have a lot of friends in real life anyway, but my friend request disorder has really hampered my facebookosity. I mean, how can I show everyone my smart funnyness if I hear Kenny every time I go to pull the trigger on a friend request? Seriously. Thats what facebook is all about right? Making people think you are smart and funny, or good looking, or interesting, or whatever your particular hang up is?

Well I think those google people solved my problem for me. Those google people are freaking brilliant. So they fired up Google+, it's like a facebook ripoff but you can stereotype people into your own little 'circles'. You can have people in your 'friends' circle or your 'acquaintance' circle or your own custom circle. You know, like your 'AssHat' circle.

Right now you have to be invited to join, like when gmail was rolled out. You have to be pretty freaking cool to have an account. Fortunately I know some really cool people so I have one. Yeah, when I signed up there were only like 10,000,000 members. I am pretty sure that means I am in the top 10,000,000 coolest people on the planet. Which, I guess, doesn't sound so good - but really 10,000,000th out of 6 or 7 billion isn't bad right?

Umm, anyway, with the circle things when I invite people to join they may hear 'will you be my fffrrriiieeennnddd', but at the same time I will be hearing 'would you like to join my circle of asshattery?' - thereby circumventing the curse Kenny burdened me with in 3rd grade.

Yeah right, so if you are out there Kenny - yes, yes I will be your friend. I apologize for the delay, I was waiting for technology to catch up. I figure if you get hooked up now you can be in the top 200,000,000 coolest people or so.

Tandems

I was running on the gb today and I saw these two dudes on one of those cruiser tandem bikes.

It is hard not to look gay when you are on a cruiser tandem with another dude. You know, in case you care about such things.

Every Time. Every Single Time.

Two years ago yesterday I lost a friend and teammate, Kevin Pavlis, from injuries he sustained when he was struck by a motor vehicle while he was riding his bicycle on Hill Rd here in Boise. I was lucky to know Kevin.

Over the past few years I have come to know that Kevin was lucky too. Lucky to have an incredible family and a stellar group of friends.

Yes, I just called you stellar. This is the first and last time you will ever see me use that word without a hint of sarcasm. I promise.

I am lucky to share many of those friends. Thanks for the ride everyone.

LP200 Strategy Guide

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Fredding Bogus Basin Road

So I decided to role out a little half bogus nooner today.

I noticed immediately that my legs were feeling a little bit of running and riding funkiness from the last few days. But that’s ok because, you know, I’m down with being funky.

Right so anyway I get to the bottom of the hill and start climbing. I see this dude like a half mile up the road and start closing slowly. My fred radar is going off, because the only people that I catch going up bogus are freds. Yeah, if I catch you going up bogus – you might be a fred.

Anyhow, I role up behind said fred. As I pass I say ‘hi, how you doing’ – because I am social as hell. Well that, and because there is nothing more annoying than getting passed going uphill by someone who still has the ability to speak.

Well, maybe because my talking to him, or maybe because he is a fred, after I pass the dude I hear the gear change.

Fuck. Seriously?

Right. Now I have this fred going all human centipede on me up bogus.

What is the protocol for that anyway? You know, when you pass someone riding down the road should they ask permission to sit on your wheel or is it acceptable to just do it? It seems to me that you should at least say something so you know that they are there. I mean when I get passed I usually just watch whoever ride away, but if I do want to sit on I will ask if they mind if I sit on.

However, when I pass people they all just try to hop on. Then I go a little faster. Then if they are still there I go a little bit faster. Then if they are still there I go a little faster. It is all somewhat tiring and disruptive. Especially when you are funky.

That’s what I thought about as fred sat on my wheel over the top of the first hill down towards the corrals.

I figured it wasn’t that big of a deal because the guy was going to drop off eventually anyway right? I mean if he could climb that fast I wouldn’t have caught him in the first place right?

Well with me being cool and funky, and fred being, well freddly – he stuck there for like 2 miles. Damn. Must have been a fast fred. Surely that was a carbon fiber pie plate he was rocking in his back wheel.

I hate it when that happens.

I Want to be a Runner

The other day riding my bike to the office seemed like a good idea, and it was going pretty well till I was rolling down the hallway and was about to attempt the tricky turn through the office door when the boss’s boss walked out into the hallway.

Talk about awkward silence. It was like the guy hadn’t seen someone riding a bike before. He finally said something about being pretty sure we had some kind of policy about that. I told him I hadn’t seen it yet.

Then there was the other day when I thought that riding through the flood water on the gb would be funner if I went faster. And I was right, except that I didn't know that fenders stop working at a certain level of fun-ness.

And of course there was the other other day when I thought that racing my bike might be a good idea, and well, it wasn't. Turns out that some of the other bike racers have been training. Huh.

Then there was the day I thought it might be fun to do the bike race with the mile long dirt section. That would have been ok if I didn't have to ride the dirt section twice - because apparently I only brought one dirt section worth of fitness and tires.

And today. Well today I was riding home and heard my bike making a new sound.

Now I am know stranger to bike sounds, but I hadn't heard this one before. It sounded like the top layer of my back tire had separated from the sidewalls and was rubbing against the frame and fender. It sounded a lot like that actually.

Did you know you can ride at least 4 miles with the top of your tire separated from the sides?

Yeah well, you can, but apparently at some point it causes your chain to bust.

Riding a bike without a chain is hard.

Shit like this makes a guy want to be a runner.

Who Are They Fracking Now?

Saw this in the news this morning.



Um, yeah. Horizontal fracking would be controversial to the governor and legislature - especially with an open door.

Normally they prefer their drilling bent over behind closed doors.

Behold, The End is Nigh...

Today while I was riding my bike to work I thought to myself, for the first time ever, that I would rather be running.

Recumbent Guy

When you pull up to a stop light on a bicycle nine of the ten things that can happen to you are bad. The tenth thing is nothing. Nothing happening is the only good thing that can happen to a guy on a bike at an intersection.

That’s why yesterday when I was waiting at a stop light and I heard something peculiar behind me I knew immediately it was bad. Yeah, so I hear something and I take the slow peak over my shoulder to see what devilry awaits.

It was worse than I thought. That’s right, recumbent guy had rolled up behind me on his tricycle. It was one of those jobs with two wheels in front and one in the back, with the big phallic shield in front – I guess to make it aero, but it mostly made it look like a penis with wheels to me.

But that’s just me.

So why does every guy that rocks a recumbent look like the ‘most interesting man in the world’ from the dos equis adds? That’s what I want to know. And why does every guy on a recumbent actually think he is the most interesting man in the world, and carry himself with an air of smugness? I guess the same reason bike racers carry an air of asshole-edness.

So I knew the guy was going to try and pass me. You don’t rock a phallic shield and not think you’re fast.

When the light changed I went the passive aggressive route and accelerated up to about 22. Not fast, but just fast enough the recumbent guy would have to work to get around me – which he eventually did.

The bike lane on Eagle Road is like 12 feet wide. I generally like to use the 3-4 feet farthest away from traffic – you know, so I don’t get hit by some wankers snowmobile trailer floating over the white line. Snowmobile trailers scare me.

Apparently recumbent guy has no such inhibitions. He placed his left wheel firmly on the wrong side of the white line and rocked down Eagle Road. I dug out my phone and took pictures…



I am sure dude thought he was being visible or something misguided like that. I am sure he thought the little bronco flag he was sporting on the fiberglass bike flag pole swaying behind him was making him visible too. Right, a blue and orange flag hardly blends in around this town does it?

I wonder why people in cars hate people on bikes.

So apparently it isn’t easy to ride a johnson with wheels faster than 22 mph for very long, because I caught the guy and passed him without changing my speed from the light. (This would be the aggressive part of passive aggressive).

When I passed the guy he was clearly exerting himself. I am all for exerting yourself while in a reclined position, I just don’t think it should involve a bike.

I kinda wanted to drop something on him when I went past – because it would have been so easy, but I gave him the schmirk with head nod instead.

Unstupider

In case you were wondering, the water in the tunnel at the Glenwood bridge is too deep to ride without getting your feet wet, or at least one foot wet depending on how you rock it.

Fenders keep your butt dry in deepish water though - thanks for that.



You might also be interested to know it is moderately uncomfortable riding 8 miles in 30 degree temperatures with one wet foot.

And that stuff about wool keeping you warm even when its wet? Well that's crap.

Actually I'm not sure about the last one, both my feet were freak'n cold when I got to work. It took a few minutes in the shower before I could feel them, and when I could feel them it was bad.

I wonder if submerging your hubs in water is a bad thing?

Oh, and the water under the Broadway bridge? You can rock that feet dry - just go around the sign, closed doesn't mean you. Just watch out for the falling column.

Right, anyway you may have noticed that we are witnessing the annual demonstration of ‘oh shit’ water management here in river city.

Over several years of observation and questioning I have come to understand that the whole process (water management) goes something like this…

So in the winter dudes go out with fancy scientific sticks and sample the snow pack in various places to measure the water content. They come back to the office and do some fancy math to estimate how much water there is in different drainages.

Since they didn't measure all the snow in the whole area they put confidence intervals around they're estimate. It looks like this...



It means if they did the whole process 100 times that the estimate would come out between A and B 95 times. Most of the time it would be around C.

Right so if you were a smart guy you would guess there was C amount of water in the hills and adjust the water flow out of the reservoirs accordingly.

If you were a safety conscious conservative guy you would guess there was B amount of water in the hills and adjust the water flow out of the reservoirs accordingly - minimizing the chance of a flood.

Now if you were a farmer you would assume there is only A amount of water in the hills. You would keep every damn drop of water in the reservoirs until you were positive they would be full plus some. Then, if by chance there was really more water in the hills than A - you would go 'oh shit' and raise the water flowing out of reservoirs until homes along rivers were at risk. If you are lucky you squeak by without flooding homes, but if something unusual happens - like rain or record high temperatures at the wrong time - well, then someone gets wet. Usually someone in Eagle.

Guess what system they use here. Guess who pressures politicians to make sure they use that system. Guess who the politicians pressure.

It's all rather stupid.

Don't get me wrong. I am all for the annual douching of Garden City. I'm not all against flooding the homes of people who were stupid enough to build homes in a flood plain in Eagle either.

It's just that having a house along the river is stupider than it has to be. It could be relatively unstupider. And that is annoying.

Emissions

A friend sent me this email today. It had a bunch of pictures of people exhibiting questionable parenting skills. They were all kind of funny, you know, in a shocking sort of way – but this one really jumped out at me. Duh, because there is a bike.

A sweet roadmaster I might add.



Right so when I saw the picture I had several thoughts…

Those people should wear helmets. It would be uncomfortable to have a helmet in your butt.

I bet it is more uncomfortable to be a thong than to wear a thong.

I wonder if that kid had the doll when she sat down there, or if, you know – she found it.

What exactly does that woman have in common with the butterfly tattooed on her ankle.

Oh god, is that an Idaho license plate on that car?

Yes, yes it is. Canyon County to be exact. Yeah, where they don’t want to test for emissions…

I’m gonna leave that one there.

Hey Look Its Sunny! Hurry!

It greatly embarrasses me to admit that sometimes I watch E.T.

No, not ‘turn out your heart light’ E.T., not Reeses pieces E.T., and not riding your bike in the nighttime sky E.T.

I mean that tv show Entertainment Tonight.

I know, it’s pretty repulsive. They go on and on about irrelevant stuff. Like who the hell cares if some inbred descendent of an archaic system of government is going to get married. I mean really. I am guessing thousands of people get married every day. Some of them have divorced parents or a mother that was killed in a car crash even. Why is it such a big deal if when this git gets married. And who cares if Obama was invited – if he wanted to go he would have been the only straight man on the planet who wanted to be there.

And what’s with the chipmunk dude on show that makes fun of the clothes all the famous people wear. Shake yourself Alvin, all those people you criticize look better than you on their worst day than you do on your best day.

Right, anyway. I did learn from that show that apparently Charlie Sheen is turning into Charlie Manson. That’s kind of weird, but not that surprising – I think dude is still bitter losing control of the regulators to his brother in Young Guns.

That movie kicks ass.

So yeah, Charlie is bringing the world together with his transmogrification. I mean everyone is watching – its not every day you see someone lose their mind live on tv you know.

A friend sent me this example…





Within a few blocks of each other on State St., The Lift Bar & Grill and the Riverwind Fellowship share a common message. Yeah, that’s right – Charlie bringing divergent groups together. Duh, winning...

See, he brought me in too.

Maybe we should send him to the middle east. That’s what we need there, some tiger blood. Kadafi and Sheen in the same room. Well, never mind. That’s kind of scary. Only slightly less scary than Sarah Palin and Kadafi in the same room.

But the honey badger don't care...



Screw tiger blood, how about some honey badger blood.

The Week in Crappy Pictures

I have seen that some legitimate journalistic endeavors have a week in pictures segment. Well, since I don't really have much to say, but do have some crappy pictures from my crappy phone I present to you 'The Week in Crappy Pictures'.

And by week I mean the past month or so.

I ride past the garden city post office every time I ride my bike to work. I have been seeing this for a while...



Every time I see it I think to myself that yes, if I wanted to rent a box garden city is where I would start looking. And yes, I know I didn't capitalize garden city - they don't deserve it.

I did notice that some people in garden city have a lot of balls though...



Have you ever heard the Jeff Foxworthy bit where he says you might be a redneck if your home is mobile but your car is not. Well garden city is the only place I can think of where most of the homes they sell are mobile, and most the cars they sell are not. Seriously, drive down Chinden sometime.

Anyway, most of my days have looked like this lately...



Yup, new snow in the mountains and dreary in the valley.

This is some dude playing hooky from work. Bastard.



A friend told me about a precariously perched column on the broadway bridge the other day. I checked it out while I was rocking through.



So someone put a chain around it so when whatever is holding it up gives the column doesn't fall straight down and hurt, well, the dirt. Yeah, instead the chain will catch it and swing it over the gb where inevitably it will come loose from the chain and take out a pesky cyclist or pedestrian. Triumphant.

I'm no engineer, but I think it may be bad when you can see the re-bar in your bridge supports. I think someone is carving out a living space. Literally.



Umm, go fast anywhere near the main street bridge. Come to think of it, go fast around them all.

Speaking of looking for living space, the angry duck is back.



Little pecker. Didn't get enough last year.

And um, I saw the wiener mobile parked in a random parking lot the other day.



That's not me standing by it - you know, in case you were wondering. Dangerously close to me, but not me.

Right. Peace out.

Biscuits and Gravy

If I am riding along and give you the bike rider wave, and then you pretend that you are riding so hard that you didn’t notice or couldn’t possibly reciprocate I am just going to assume that you are an arrogant bitch/bastard.

If you ride by and stare at me and my bike like I have two heads and my bike has 4 wheels, and I wave, and you fail to reciprocate I am just going to assume you are a full on wanker. Maybe even an asshat. And then after you are past I will give myself and the bike a once over to make sure everything is kosher.

I just wanted to get that straight.

You know what always surprises me about riding my bike? All the things I smell. Like on my way to work I can smell breakfasts in the houses I ride past. If I stop at a light I can smell peoples perfume or cologne from outside their car. I can smell a smoker when they drive past. Seriously, I might not detect them all – but definitely some of them. If I can smell you from outside your car (especially at 20 mph) I am guessing you stink.

And sometimes I swear that I am the only one in this town that doesn’t drive a F-350 deisel. You know, to power through the asphalt of the commute. I think I inhale about $4.00 worth of diesel fumes on each commute. Thanks for that. I might as well smoke.

When I ride past Centennial or Capital High I can smell the despair. It used to be the students, but now it is the teachers.

When I hop on the gb in Garden City in the morning I can smell Pastry Perfection. That sucks.

When I ride past the horse stalls by the fairgrounds I can smell the dankness that remains from the horses that used to live there. Soon I am sure I will be able to smell the poo from the bums that are hiding out there now. I can’t smell them there yet but definitely can smell them by the Shilo Inn.

The bum smell is worse than the wastewater treatment smell (also on the commute) and is a bit depressing, but I get over it quickly because soon after the Shilo I can smell biscuits and gravy at The Pantry.

Actually that isn’t true – I can’t smell The Pantry, but I do think about biscuits and gravy when I see it. Mmm, biscuits and gravy.

I love biscuits and gravy.

Speaking of biscuits and gravy, after that sometimes I can smell the Arid Club – no I don’t think the Arid Club ever serves biscuits and gravy, definitely not pretentious enough grindage for that joint – but I needed a segue.

The Arid Club smells crappy compared the to The Cottonwood Grill which always smells tasty, but I gotta say that The RAM in the afternoon smells better.

Sometimes there is some goodness to be smelled from the concessions at baseball games at Centennial on the way home, and if I time it right the fresh bread at the Albertsons smells good for a half mile. If I am really lucky my house smells good when I get home.

Glorious Skills

So there I was rocking down the gb and I see this guy riding a big blue cruiser bike. I use the term riding loosely, and, for that matter I use the term rocking loosely too. You see I was running – and by running I mean trundling which is my angry equivalent of running. Technically I don’t think I have been able to achieve an actual run yet, but I am way past waddling.

By the way, running? It still sucks, and it is still a survival skill – not a sport. For me anyway.

Right, so anyway, dude on the cruiser wasn’t really riding the bike. I’m actually not sure what he was doing. He had his feet on the pedals and the cranks in the horizontal position. He was standing up, and wait for it, wait for it – going no hands. In fact, not only was he going no hands he was doing some kind of yoga dance shit with his arms.

In the short time that our paths crossed he slowly put one arm out to the side and looked along it. Then he put it down and slowly put the other arm out to other side and looked along it. It was all kind of zen-ish, and I have to say – freaking glorious. It makes me all calm just thinking about it.

Yeah, those are the kinds of skills that make chicks want him and make dudes want to be like him.

I am totally going to try that the next time I am on my bike.

Umm,no I’m not.

I do want to see someone do it on rollers though.

Miscellaneous Baggery

So the local bike racing season started a week or so ago without me. I haven’t been able to get my collective crap together well enough to act like a bike racer yet this year. I’ve had a number of lame excuses, and some not so lame, but ultimately it doesn’t matter and I have been left observing the first few races from afar.

No, I didn’t go watch. For me watching bike races that I could be in is kinda like watching your kid get circumcised. Yeah, I stand there with my knees locked together holding my junk in my hands and my breath in my lungs. Right, so I have issues.

Well anyway, yeah, didn’t watch – I just looked at who signed up and checked the results afterwards.

One of the most interesting parts of spring racing is seeing what has changed from the prior year. There are all kinds of different guys in the first few races…

There is ‘oh thank god that guy cat’ed up guy’ – yup sometimes there is mercy in cycling and it comes when the guys that made your lungs and legs burn the previous year move to a new category. Of course there are all the other ‘oh thank god that guy cat’ed up guys’ that just moved up into your category to make your lungs bleed this year.

Then there is the ‘OMG that guy cat’ed up guy?’ – when someone cats up and it clearly will not end well. You know, unless they got a new doctor in the off-season.

And of course there is t‘sandbagger guy’ – you know, the guy that won three spring series races last year and looks o do the same thing in the same category this year. Yeah, mix in an upgrade bagger. Not that it particularly matters to me – I will finish 13th regardless who is racing – but If I were finishing like 2nd- 4th I might be hunting your pets. Just saying.

Of course there is also ‘OMG that guy cat’ed down guy’. Usually this is accompanied by an unfortunate turn in health or situation, either of which is sad to hear about. Sometimes however the move appears to be related to a shuffle in the racing groupings – which rings of miscellaneous baggery.

Oh yeah, and there is also the ‘that guy is racing for them now? guy’ when someone changes teams from the previous years. It is usually tied to one of the first two guys above, but can also sometimes be tied to miscellaneous baggery.

Anyway, it has been interesting to watch from the outside looking in this year. In the Jason Broome TT I was pleased to see that Kristo Jorgneson was ‘oh thank god that guy cat’ed up guy’ and has moved on to kicking other peoples asses. Actually I think I only raced against him once or twice last year, but I definitely remember him being ‘oh god that guy is on the front again guy’ during the Slammer last year.

And speaking of the Slammer, props to anyone who showed up to this years Slammer yesterday. I couldn’t even seem to get my bike out of the garage yesterday. It was a bit breezy. I am pretty sure if I were racing that the minute the race turned into the wind I would have flipped the u-turn and rocked that tailwind all the way home and come back for my car later. I have to admit that it cracks me up a little bit that we got an email earlier in the week pimping the forecasted good weather for the race. Yup, light wind, like I said I wasn’t there but I am guessing it was a light 40 mph, with an occasional kiss of 50 mph? Refreshing.

So I am planning on integrating into the racing seen sometime around the Chicken Dinner RR. Yeah, I think I am going to go for a solid DNF in that race and try to follow it up with another stellar 13th or so at Emmett-Roubaix. Of course I haven’t ruled out any miscellaneous baggery myself yet.

Above Grade Level Manipulation?

My 7 year old son has been trying to get me to buy him more Pokemon cards for the past week or so.

Today he came home and told me he wants a hamster.

I told him no.

He reiterated that he really wanted a hamster because they are cool.

I told him no.

He dejectedly told me that maybe he could just get some Pokemon cards instead.

I told him 'well played'.

He smiled.