The Bikes of Walmart

You will never, ever, find me riding on something called the Thruster. Even if it is fixed.

That whole bike messenger thing? Yeah, officially not cool anymore. Move on to roller blades hipster.

Umm, yeah.

Just going through old e-mails looking for something and stumbled accross this...



Note, when parking the wheeler on the family truckster make sure to lower the tire pressure first.

Open Letter to the Groper

Dear Random Groping Lady,

I must say that when you reached out of the car you were riding in and made groping gestures in my direction that I was a bit flummoxed. I mean, no one has ever indicated a desire to grab my bum before while I was riding my bike. Seriously, how do you react to that? Should I be pissed? Should I be flattered? Was I confused?

By Default I normally deploy a finger when someone in a car gestures at me, but I didn’t want to, in case, you know, I was misinterpreting the gesture. Perhaps you were really excited by the little starbursts on my new Lactic Acid Cycling Club bib shorts and were rocking jazz fingers? I know I do jazz fingers every time I see them. They are pretty snazy. In fact I am doing jazz fingers right now thinking about them.



So yeah, if you were doing jazz fingers try it with your palm out next time - not with the palm up. And try not to leer when you do it.

Anyhow, I have consulted with my wife and family on the subject (of groping gestures, not jazz fingers) and come to the conclusion that it is in my best interest to be offended by your gesture.

How dare you make such a inappropriate and obscene gesture towards me! How rude! Don't you know when you grope at my outer shell that you discount my true inner beauty? Oh, I feel like such a piece of meat! A ribeye.

That should do it.

Right, umm, you would be disappointed anyway. I would say that my trunk ain't what it once was, but that would imply that it was once something better - which may not actually be the case. Yeah the old caboose feels something like a twinky actually.

That sounds pretty good I know, but you have to keep in mind that this twinky is nearly 40 years old. That creme filling dried out somewhere along the line and got kind of hard and stringy. Yeah, soft on the outside and kind of hard and stringy on the inside. Like a jerky flavored twinky. Sometimes things might look better than they are...

Were you drunk?

Well thanks for noticing me. I always feel better when people in cars see me as opposed to don't see me.

Have a nice day.

The Angry Cyclist

Kenny Killed Facebook

This kid named Kenny killed facebook for me in 1981. He used to go around from person to person at my elementary school and ask in a nasally voice "Will you be my fffrrriiieeennndd?" It was kind of creepy. In fact, Kenny was kind of creepy. Not the kind of kid you wanted to be friends with. Actually, I have goose bumps right now thinking about it.

Right, so now, when I look at the facebook 'add friend' button I hear Kenny's weasely voice saying "Will you be my fffrrriiieeennnddd?" and I'm like 'hell no dude, you can't be my friend'. And then I just can't pull the trigger. I don't want to be that guy you know?

Not that I have a lot of friends in real life anyway, but my friend request disorder has really hampered my facebookosity. I mean, how can I show everyone my smart funnyness if I hear Kenny every time I go to pull the trigger on a friend request? Seriously. Thats what facebook is all about right? Making people think you are smart and funny, or good looking, or interesting, or whatever your particular hang up is?

Well I think those google people solved my problem for me. Those google people are freaking brilliant. So they fired up Google+, it's like a facebook ripoff but you can stereotype people into your own little 'circles'. You can have people in your 'friends' circle or your 'acquaintance' circle or your own custom circle. You know, like your 'AssHat' circle.

Right now you have to be invited to join, like when gmail was rolled out. You have to be pretty freaking cool to have an account. Fortunately I know some really cool people so I have one. Yeah, when I signed up there were only like 10,000,000 members. I am pretty sure that means I am in the top 10,000,000 coolest people on the planet. Which, I guess, doesn't sound so good - but really 10,000,000th out of 6 or 7 billion isn't bad right?

Umm, anyway, with the circle things when I invite people to join they may hear 'will you be my fffrrriiieeennnddd', but at the same time I will be hearing 'would you like to join my circle of asshattery?' - thereby circumventing the curse Kenny burdened me with in 3rd grade.

Yeah right, so if you are out there Kenny - yes, yes I will be your friend. I apologize for the delay, I was waiting for technology to catch up. I figure if you get hooked up now you can be in the top 200,000,000 coolest people or so.

Tandems

I was running on the gb today and I saw these two dudes on one of those cruiser tandem bikes.

It is hard not to look gay when you are on a cruiser tandem with another dude. You know, in case you care about such things.

Every Time. Every Single Time.

Two years ago yesterday I lost a friend and teammate, Kevin Pavlis, from injuries he sustained when he was struck by a motor vehicle while he was riding his bicycle on Hill Rd here in Boise. I was lucky to know Kevin.

Over the past few years I have come to know that Kevin was lucky too. Lucky to have an incredible family and a stellar group of friends.

Yes, I just called you stellar. This is the first and last time you will ever see me use that word without a hint of sarcasm. I promise.

I am lucky to share many of those friends. Thanks for the ride everyone.

LP200 Strategy Guide

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